I was talking to my boyfriend last night...he's known since before the first time that we got together almost 2 years ago that I self-harm. To begin with once we got together I pretty much stopped but the slip-ups that I did have I managed to keep from him pretty well. After our first break up my self-harm spiralled out of control but it was my way of coping. When we got back together I was still in a pretty bad way self-harm wise and he accepted that and was pretty supportive over it. That was 6 months ago. We've broken up and gotten back together another couple of times since then and whilst my cutting is a lot more controlled, it's still going on. Our relationship is quite complicated; but that's not the issue I'm seeking advice for at the moment. Anyway, I've been pretty much free for the last couple of weeks but the last week or so I've struggled again and have a lot of new cuts on my leg. We got home last night and we were cuddled up on the settee and he looked at my leg...he'd seen the cuts before...and he asked me, very gently, to stop harming. I told him that I'm trying, and that I know he doesn't like it, and I am going to ask for help. He told me the reason he doesn't like it is because he doesn't understand.
I don't know where to go from here. I don't know where I stand on my cutting at the minute. I want to stop, but I don't at the same time.
I need to know what to say to him to help him understand, I need to know what to do, how to to stop cutting.
I'm sorry if this is rambling and doesn't make any sense, but I could really use advice on this...
my advice would be to try to explain the best you can why exactly you do it. if you dont know exactly why yet, then that may be what is keeping you from being able to stop. As for stopping, i know seeing a counselor helped me alot in terms of figuring out why i sh'ed and what i could replace the sh'ing with healthier coping skills. hope this helps.
i bet the issue isn't that he doesn't like. but that he can't stand the person he loves being hurt physically or emotionally, whether they are hurting themselves or being hurt by someone else.
he loves you so much, he hates to see you like this and i'm guessing in a way he feels a bit redundant, there's nothing he can do to make you stop, and at the start you did stop so what's changed? in his mind there's probably lots of unanswered questions and to really understand self harm, i believe you have to have gone through that yourself.
Mand, South Wales, Full-time working, single mother to 2 scarily independent girls.
I AM A PROUD PLUMERIA SISTER
I agree with the first two posters. ^^ I think that to really understand SH you need to have been a SH'er or at least have worked with them for a number of years as counselors/therapists have done. I also think that seeing a therapist would be a good idea for you if you can't figure out why you SH on your own. *cuddles gently*
My husband and I are actually in kind of the same boat. When we first met (2004) we were friends, then in 2006 he said that he'd date me but only when I was further along in recovery... I managed to stop SH'ing for awhile because I HAD to due to some res treatment I was getting... then we dated, and got engaged, and then I started SH'ing again. We got married, and I stopped SH'ing for a little while... and then I started up again and haven't stopped yet. Anyway, sorry for the waffling, just wanted to let you know that I understand.
*more cuddles*
RYL family: Doikers is my brother
All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter into another! - Anatole France.
I agree with what everyone else has said. I've had my best friends beg me to stop, and try to promise them I would. The ones that love you absolutely hate to see you hurting yourself, because they generally feel as though they can't help you at all, when they DO want to. At least, that's my take on it.
I've never told anybody I would stop, just like that. I've always remained firm that it's an addiction like anything else, and it takes a LOT of time to work through it. And that you can't understand it unless you've done it.
Sorry, I realize that wasn't very helpful at all =/ But I do realize your situation, and I hope you can work through it somehow.
*lots of hugs*
If someone ever says to you "You need to stop thinking so much," call them ignorant in your head and keep thinking deeper. It is this mentality that breeds stupidity and sheeple. Your mind is the most important tool you have. If you stop using it, it will atrophy.
My gf asked me to stop long ago. Ive had my slip ups, and that only ended in horrible fights. Ive since gone many months without, pretending i'm ok, even though i'm not. It's hard to do it for someone if you don't do it for yourself first, that's the only way you can get through it and eventually recover.
Even though im almost a year SI free, I dont even feel like ive come close to recovery cause i dont want to stop. I hope you can actually do this for yourself and do it for him.
