Triggering (SI/OD) - Life is cruel

[mouse in darkness]

I want to run in and help those I care about but fail dismaly. What do you do? I want to crawl up into a ball and cry. Yet there are no tears to cry. Why do you fall over and over although you see the rut in the road and still trip on it. Is this just ignorance or is it much deeper.
I see so much wrong in my life and I want to help those I care about and those I don't. Why do we sabotarge ourselves so frequently? I feel lost, alone and broken hearted. I want in essance to dissapear for life.
The girls want me to go party with them but I feel desolate. Perhaps it will bring some cheer to my spiralling out of control life.
I feel neglected and alone cast away by my family, forgotten. The insanity of it all is that we are all in a way insane. Insanity, the only bonus is that atleast I think I am nuts. Family on the other hand are clueless at times.
I want to hug those I am closest to but do not want them to become aware of my distress and loss of control. I love them so much but they are far from me. I ran from them so I could hurt them no more. Was this a selfish act or was it truthful to the heart? I personally no longer know.
The computer I am using continually shows the BSOD (Blue Screen of Death) and is driving me crazy.
Sorry random rambaling.
I hope all are safe and well.


*Sends Hugs and home baked cookies*

[crazykat]

*Hugs* I think it is a great thing that you want to help others but honestly hun we can't help others when we are still dealing with our own stuff, as it sabotages our own recovery. It sounds like you have alot going on for yourself so I am just wondering who is there to support you? Have you spoken to your family about how your feeling? Hold on there hun, you will get through this. Take care
Kat xxx

[jonikd]

*hugs and agrees with Kat*

[mouse in darkness]

Thank you *Hugs you both back*

I relise that fighting more than one battle front at a time means that you are only putting out spot fires and that just don't work.

I guess it comes down to not falling into old ways now. I think my maney wakeful hours will be spent in study again. . I didn't sleep last night and spent it walking around the city and into the scrub lands. I walked for over 6 hours. Though the wild life was fun.
I also spent some time with the amazing gals I live with drinking.

I am crying in my heart the pain is so real and tender. Why won't it brak as the sun over the sculpted easterly horizion.

I may be bent and scattered right now but I give everyone *Hugs amd cookies*

PS
sorry for some of the randomness here

[crazykat]

*Hugs* Hold on there hun, you will make it through this

[mouse in darkness]

I tried to sleep but only felt like I was off my tree. I really want to sleep. I have since spoken to a beautiful person through email. And I with to thank her for her Kind wisdom.
Also Crazycat hope you are well.
I have had about thirteen different songs go through my mind it was wierd. I am greatful that I have my I-pod these days. Well am gonna try to sleep.
*Hugs to those who need/ want them*

[crazykat]

*Hugs* I hope you manage to get some sleep soon hun

[Kahlia1981]

I have to echo Kat and JK's initial response's here hun, you need to take some time for you. What is going on in your life, who is there in real life to support you and what can you try to do to keep yourself on the healthy side of the line? Sleep is one of the most crucial things for anyone and if you are drinking (alcohol) you need to be careful if you are on medications. I know that you know that already, but just affirming the little things can make a big difference.

A gentleman friend and I once went to a Buddhist meditation class where the teacher said to us: The smallest thing can make or break your day, but the bigger question is: which will you let it do. Your mind is a powerful tool. Use it in a healthy way and you'll receive surprising results.

*big hugs*

[CrazyHayley]

ditto what the others have said.
Just wanted you to comment so that you know tthat I've read it and understand where you're coming from. I wish I could do more to help.

*takes cookie and hugs back affectionately*

[mouse in darkness]

Thanks guys. I have no friends or family at the moment. It probably doesn't help where I am at.
My internet died a few days ago and it has really got me going. I was wondering if things could go better. I really miss my friends. I am seeong a dr today that will hopefully help me where I am at.
It is scary.
I am taking the advice you all have give and appreciate all of you.

Thanks for the hugs.

I return hugs

[Kahlia1981]

*hugs you*

Good luck, and let us know how things go with the doctor.
Remember that friends don't always have to be in your immediate environment.

Perhaps this may help:

Quote:

When you are sad, I will dry your tears.
When you are scared, I will comfort your fears.
When you are worried, I will give you hope.
When you are confused, I will help you cope.
And when you are lost, and can't see the light.
I shall be your beacon shining ever so bright
This is my oath. I pledge till the end.
Why you may ask?
Because you are my friend.

It still holds true even though we're on the other side of the continent.

[mouse in darkness]

Thank you. You have made my day.
*squishies* This is me right now

[crazykat]

How did it go at the doctors hun? Hold on there you will get through this

[mouse in darkness]

Thanks crazycat. My memorie is a bit whacked and I am sorry names are evaiding me.

The GP doesn't want to change my meds as I become really unstable. He is trying to work with my MH worker. So it is a bit of a challlenge. Their main concern is that I am anti-social. And I only go out to shop or to go to work. (Shopping is rare as I still can't handle crouds) The concern is that I do not have a support system where I live. Except RYL and apparently you need to go out and talk face to face with people. (The very thought is scary). But I love talking to everyone here.

On the upside the volunteer work that I am doing is paying off as they are thinking of employing me. Wich is really good. And I have been offered for a group to sponsor me in hairdressing.

I have been really sick for the past few days and have still attended work. I think the illness is brought on by the recent lack of sleep. Last night I got a whopping 2 hours was tempted to go online but know that my butt would have been kicked by the worker on shift.

So blinking tired. I am going to see a lady tomorrow about permanent accomodation as where I am staying it is only for 3 months. I hope I get a permanet place soon. Maybe that is where the sleep issue is from. Random.

Would love a hug roudabout now but am sick so yeah hugs are a bit distant.

*Sends anyone a germ free hug*

PS
I kind of felt a little creative

[crazykat]

I understand where you are coming from with the whole socializing thing, I don't really interact with others either so I know how hard it can be. Well done for doing the voluntary work though and that's great that they may employ you, what kind of work is it? Good luck with the accommodation. Hold on there hun, you will get through this. Only a PM away if you ever need to chat. Take care
Kat xxx

[mouse in darkness]

Thanx cat.

I am essentially a kitchen hand(dish piggy LOL)

Been an interesting day. The drop in centre I go to occasionally have offered me volunteer work with conservation. All I have to do is 4 workbooks and so many outings and I get a certificate. Might lead to work hmmmmmmmm.


I spoke to the lady today and she said it is looking promising.

Am still sick though, going to see a doctor ...joy. Slept better last night. My beutiful housemate woke me up at 6 and I could't go back to sleep. Still not crashing till early hours of the morning am wondering if I should start recording my sleep patters.... Dunnno.

[crazykat]

The work sounds good, I hope it all works out for you. I hope you feel better soon being sick is horrible. Might be worth mentioning to your doctor about your lack of sleep. Take care
Kat xxx

[mouse in darkness]

Have mad an appointment to see dr. Joy.

[Kahlia1981]

Good luck with the Dr, MID. Let us know how it goes.
Thanks too for today. :)

Hope you start feeling better soon.

[mouse in darkness]

Hay we started as a tag team and always be a tag team. I did after a quick chat with somebody we both know. (and an extra 6 hours sleep)