Triggering (SI/Suicide) - Getting desperate

[Pomegranate]

I have not posted for a while. I know I have no right to ask for support but I am getting desperate.


I feel like ****ing ****. I feel so anxious and low. I have so much stuff I need to sort out and yet my brain just can't comprehend it. My self harm just keeps getting worse and worse. Every a+e visit the number of stitches increases. I am currently staying with a friend temporarily until I find somewhere to live permanently. How is someone supposed to sort out housing etc when they can barely motivate themselves to eat/smoke/get dressed/brush hair, go out etc etc, let alone motivate to visit people or be productive? I just can't do it. I actually can't.

I am scared. That's the truth. Because I moved two days ago I am not currently under any mental health services down here. Last time I saw a psych two months ago I was told I was not ready or stable enough for therapy. My social worker said he had not even heard of the new diagnosis the psych added after the meeting. I am now under nobody's 'care'. I am thrilled about that....it's a rush. I can do whatever the hell I want. My brain is racing with ideas and 'self harm experiments'. I actually almost feel alive thinking about it. But part of me is scared. I am not sure what is a dream and what is actually happening.

At the same time I am worried that I am wrong. I know I need to harm but I am not sure if I think like that because somebody is influencing and manipulating my thoughts. Maybe someone is controlling me. I don't feel real, everything I remember, even supposedly just several minutes later seems completely disconnected. I need to know what's happening. I need to be right. I can't have someone getting control over me and tricking me. I don't care who they are. Maybe they are an evil spirit, or maybe even the government trying to control me. Maybe it's both. There is something different about me...something not quite right.

I am already wanting to delete this just in case.

I need help though. I don't feel right. I have been collecting prescription sedatives for months now just in case. I want to take them. I can't deal with being like this. Ever since I moved in two days ago, I found out my friends father owns a shot gun. My head is stupidly excited about this. I need to find it. I MUST.

It's perfect. I need that shot gun and the sleeping pills and the blades. I need all of it. I need something. I can't deal with being like this. I'm trapped. I just can't do it.

I don't know what the hell to do.

[~*forever_broken*~]

I love you, Emma dearest. I have nothing helpful (and I'm talking to you on MSN right now anyway). But I love you. So much, dear friend.

[Merc]

Emma, cant read now, so sorry.
But..*leaves hugs*
pls try to keep safe, any way you can
xxx

[Pomegranate]

Thanks Romp and Ally *hugs*. I appreciate you replying.

[Kahlia1981]

I wish I had some words for you Emma. :(
It sounds like you really need to reach out for help where you are.
Please try and keep yourself safe.
You are loved my friend, please try to remember that.

I wish I could offer you more.

[Pomegranate]

Thanks Kahlia, it means a lot that you read and replied.

Am drinking. Screw it. I am sick of this. At least drinking will numb me a bit and even if it doesn't then I can harm better. One bottle down, one and a half to go. My old social worker called me today, the one I had before I moved. He had forgotten I now live 100 or so miles away. He has a problem with my benefit forms (the same ones I thought had been sent already a while ago) and he had forgotten I moved on Monday. Now I have to make a 3.5 hour round trip on Tuesday to fix his screw up. I am already making the trip on Thursday to vote but he is not available then. Don't know why I am bothering. It won't really effect me.

See?? Nothing is going ok. There are signs all over the place just telling me to do it. To give in to the inevitable. So why aren't I? Its like by avoiding it then I am actively upsetting fate.

The truth is that I am scared of dying. Not of the actual dying bit....that does not bother me, in some ways it intrigues me. Not even of what happens to you after you die. I am scared that I will not be able to cover up my screw ups i.e everyone will know I withdrew from uni, everyone will know an untidy freak I am, everyone will be angry with me....or rather my memory. I don't want people to hate me even more when I am dead and can't defend myself to them.

I have to be perfect. I have to be what they all want me to be. At the moment that is by lying to them. I can't manage to continue to do it alive though and I can't guarantee it dead. I need to get over that fear of being judged. I'll be dead...it's not like I will know what they're saying.

I have a date set in mind. I have told my friend I am staying with that I will drive her to Brighton and go and see a friend whilst she has a romantic weekend with her partner. I'm a weird mix of scared and excited. The build up before you die lifts your mood much better than any of the drugs the 'professionals' give. Shame it can't be bottled.

**** it.

[~*forever_broken*~]

Emma! No! No dates, luv, no dieing. I'll have none of it. You can't. Please be safe sweetie. Please stop thinking of this stuff. *massive hugs*

[Jetforce]

*hugs emma*

I wish i could suggest u some services or ideas that may help u, but blah i'm too far away - stupid distance!! Anyway, plz do look after urself!! Try to stay safe and yeah if u need to chat to me or something, PM me and i'll reply bk asap. Tc xx

[Pomegranate]

Why can't I get this out of my head? It just goes round and round and round.

I had a doctors appointment today that my friends mum made for me at the beginning of the week. Complete waste of time. They didn't have my notes (which was part of the problem and why the appointment was made for me) so she knew nothing about me and said she could not arrange a transfer to services until the notes came through.Oh well! Only plus side was I told her I was out of meds and as she did not have my notes she just asked me what I was on and gave it to me! It feels good to be bad. More pills.

As I was walking out she turned round, apologised and then said she had to ask 'You aren't suicidal are you? No suicidal ideation?'. I paused, said no and left. Didn't want her taking the pills off me or warning anyone about the gun and I am not being put under the crisis team. There was no point telling her.

Part of me wanted to tell her the truth but there really is no point. She did not ask anything else about my mental state apart from the suicidal question anyway. There are no 'treatment' options suitable for me and my external situation will not be solved by telling her. All that would result would be a lecture and maybe the crisis team.

I am just in the way.

I am sick of feeling like this and I cannot motivate myself to sort out the housing/uni/money etc situation. I can't get my head around it. This is why this is the only solution.

I don't want to, but I do want to. I'm scared but I'm excited. Nothing makes sense anymore.

[~phoenix~]

*squeezes*

Emma, "nothing makes sense" because life is as such, senseless.
Please go back and talk to your GP again. Admit to the suicidal idealisation. There might be something she can do to help.
You aren't "in the way"... something I have to remind myself, admittedly. But you aren't in the way...
Please phone the samaratins or a suicide prevention helpline. Please talk this out with someone trained. *hugs*

[effervescence]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Pomegranate

I had a doctors appointment today that my friends mum made for me

There are no 'treatment' options suitable for me

hey babycakes.
firstly hi. glad to see you are still out there! i know you're not coping well atm but please, get those dates and plans out of your head. you don't need to know where the gun is honey, all it will do is trigger you and invade your thoughts. you need to be strong. find reasons to live.

if your friend's mum made you the appt, she must care about you, right? she must see that you are struggling and want to help you. so that's a good thing!

there might be a treatment option available if you summon up the courage to talk to this new doc and let her help you. you never know! there might be something new, some new take on soemthing, tha helps you. life can get better, it will get better, but you have to accept help.

*hugs*

ps sorry for lack of capital letters - fingers too cold to type properly!

hugs emma :) love u loads sorry i dnt have newords

[~*forever_broken*~]

I love you Ems, so very very very much *massive hugs*

Is there someone ELSE around there you can see? Because this woman sounds like she has her head so far up her ass she can't tell what time of day it is. And you really should see someone, luv.

Lots and lots of love.

[Pomegranate]

I have tried to accept help. I have had various treatments in the past but at the moment there is apparently nothing suitable for me. Because of the move I am not even under the CMHT at the moment. There is nobody I can talk to.

Sorry- I know I am sounding really stubborn and I am not meaning to, I just can't see how to fix any of this. I am stuck. I really appreciate you all replying though.

[~*forever_broken*~]

No, you're not sounding stubborn, luv. You are kind of sounding like you've lost hope, though, and I wish that weren't the case *massive squish*

[Jetforce]

Hey emma *Cuddles*

How u feeling today?

Um can u ring like NHS or somebody that can direct u to the right ppl to see? Really hope u somehow see somebody that can help u !! xx

[Kahlia1981]

*big hugs*
I have to echo Ally. You sound like you've lost hope.
Is there anyone you can reach out to? A friend, your friends mum, a doctor.
I also want to echo Jem. I really hope you somehow see somebody that can help you.
@->--

[Pomegranate]

Sorry for bumping this. I know I'm just wasting time and being an attention whore but I'm scared.

I don't know what to do. I came so close to going through with a suicide plan last weekend. Letters written, hotel sorted, method etc but I didn't go through with it. I'm sorry. I planned it for weeks and then backed out at the last minute.

I know what an attention seeking wimp that makes me. I really do and I am sorry.

I haven't even got the courage to die. I backed out so then why do I still need to die? I know eventually I'm going to kill myself. That hasn't changed. I WANT it to be soon, it has to be. I'm out of options.

All this static noise builds in my head and I can't focus on what else is going on. I try but it feels like everything slips away and all I can focus on is the loud. Nothing is the background, it's all in little tiny parts and they are all separate and they just DONT GO TOGETHER and I can't make sense of it. Just lots of static and singing.

I try to focus and think and make sense of it but the only things that make sense and explain it, are the things that shouldn't make sense, or at least the things that everyone is told don't make sense. The things I wrote about before and then I get scared.

Its like being frozen.

And yet, people expect things from you. People want me to do things and be normal. The mask is practically gone though. Everyone IRL recognises I'm a bit off at the moment but I have to disappear to break for a few minutes just so they don't see exactly how weak I am. I have to be in control.

Weak means vulnerable. I can't be vulnerable. I have to be more. I have to.

I don't know what I want from this, I don't know it's a good idea to post.

I can't even find an end to this post that feels safe.

[Kahlia1981]

Emma honey I wish I had some words for you. All I have is *hugs* and the hope that you can stay safe and find some way out of this that isn't the final one. I know that there is some good stuff in this world for you sweetheart. I'm so sorry, I wish I could give you more.

[Jetforce]

*hugs* i dunno what to say? But definitely u ain't an attention whore!!

I hope u try and stay safe and you don't proceed with anything that will lead u to not be here anymore. Sorry, don't have many words for u...but i'm behind u all the way. Take care...PM me if u need anything xx