The screaming is back. Not that it really went away. Had a really good weekend with really good friends so that was good distraction and shut it up for a time.
Feeling a little better now. But earlier i couldn't even breathe. i was in between hyperventilation and just not breathing. Like my lungs were filling up with sound. With a pent up scream that was trying to come out of me with every breathe. Like i was drowning. Going under.
The screaming's in my lungs, in my body now. Still in my head. It's everywhere in me and around me. Engulfing me from the outside and ripping me apart from the inside.
i can't think. i can't feel. i can't even breathe.
i can't hear the screaming. Not exactly. Not with my ears. But i know it's there. i guess it's like the voice in your head, your thoughts. Just because the words you think you can't hear audibly doesn't mean they're not there.
i can't control this. i can't fight this. i can't do this. i can't live like this.
It's the breathing that bothers me most. Not because this is a new thing. But because it means that it's not just something imaginary. i know that i couldn't breathe properly. It's not entirely a delusion / hallucination.
It sounds as though you're very distressed. Do you have anybody close or trustworthy that you can talk to? When I have had the experience of trapped screams that can't be released, I find it helpful to sing. I can't scream, so I get SingStar/similar out and sing as loud as I can.
With the inner-screaming maybe it would help to be kind to yourself and nurture yourself in any way that you can, and stay distracted. It's important to talk to someone (both family/friend and professional) as soon as you can.
i do have people i can talk to i think. Although after a while it's hard to know what to say. Don't think people want to hear it any more. Even if they really don't mind it still worries me.
i like to sing. Wouldn't be helpful for when i can't breathe but at other times it when it's not quite so bad it may well be. i shall try it.
i had a talk with some people from camhs / early intervention in psychosis 2 weeks ago but they've not got back to me yet so i'm still waiting on that. i know i need to talk about this. It's just finding someone who'll listen that's the problem.
i often find it hard to look after myself, nurture myself and stuff. Maybe it's partly that i don't deserve even me being nice to me. Maybe it's partly just that i can't be bothered. i should though. i know that it could be a good distraction and make things feel easier. Not sure what i'd do though.
Thankyou.
i feel a bit better today. My average mood level and whatever is pretty much the same and still quite low. But i've not had a really low moment today like this. Fingers crossed. i've had moments that i've felt overwhelmed but not like yesterday, not with not being able to breathe or think or anything.
No doesn't sound pathetic, that could be a good idea, i may try it some time if i feel the need to, thankyou.
If you're struggling with thoughts of harming or killing yourself, or feel that you may be at risk, or even that you would benefit from talking to someone, it's quite alright to ring CAMHS and ask them for some support in the meantime, whilst you're waiting for the EIT. I always failed to do this when I was under CAMHS because I felt like I was being troublesome, but it's more than okay and I think that I would do it now, if I thought it would be useful.
If you're at risk and CAMHS are closed, you can ring your out-of-hours GP or pop to A&E and ask to speak to someone from the mental health team.
If you need some comfort or support, can you ask your mum or dad to give you a cuddle and make you a cup of tea?
Thankyou. i may do that. i'll try and get my Mum to phone them in the next couple of days just to check up on how things are getting along and stuff. When i went to A&E a couple of months ago they gave me a crisis number to phone if i needed to. Not sure where i put it but i could call them. Trying to keep myself busy and distracted but i'm not sure how much it actually helps.
In my opinion it's best to do a bit of both. I think we need a bit of talking about how things are, whether that's with a professional (the crisis line might be a good idea) or with our mums, and then afterwards, to distract ourselves so we can have a bit of a break.
i got a letter from CAMHS today. i didn't really understand it. It was quite cryptic. But it said to phone them. So my Mum will do that for me. And then we can get them to explain the letter. But basically it's to get an appointment arranged. So hopefully that will all get sorted out soon. Shouldn't be long now they've got back to me.
i was out last night. With loads of friends. And i had a random "screaming episode". Not as bad as the other day. Not bad enough for anyone to notice. But i don't like it. It's very unpleasant. It's not fair that i can get it even when i'm having a good time. Things seem to be getting worse all the time. Guess it's good camhs have got back to me.
did your mum manage to speak to CAMHS? i'm sorry the screaming interfered when you went out , it must have been very frustrating. how have things been today?
Yeah my Mum spoke to them. They said they'd have to find my file and then get back to her. They didn't though so hopefully tomorrow.
Things have mainly been ok today. Having such a bad week though. Things haven't been too bad, i'm just grumpy. i thought i was just tired after being away for the weekend but i feel the same now. i don't know, it's weird, i feel different to usual in some ways.
i'm not really sure. i don't think it was either really. i'm pretty sure it wasn't good but it also wasn't really bad either. Just different. A different mood / feeling but at the same place on the scale of bad - good.
Yeah i guess, i don't like it [or didn't, i feel more how i normally do again now]but it could've been worse.
My Mum phoned CAMHS again and they said again that they'd have to find my file and then get back to me. And they haven't yet, again. Apparently the doctor who came to see me was just a locum[?] and has now left and apparently that gives them an excuse to be unorganised. Meh.
i don't like it, it's been nearly 3 months since i was referred to CAMHS. And it was a kinda urgent referral [went to A&E after si on February 15 and had to talk to the on duty psychiatrist and he referred me the next day]. But whatever.
Feeling pretty bad at the moment. Feel almost like i'm losing touch on reality. i don't know how much longer i can do this. i feel absolutely disgusting at the moment too which doesn't help one bit.
The NHS in general is just a pain i think, my friend has cancer [stage 4 i think] and she still has to wait months and months for appointments. But anyway yeah they haven't got back yet but hopefully soon.
i can't really explain it. Things in my head are just feeling more and more not right. It's weird i couldn't really put it into words it's more just a feeling. Things have been steadily getting worse since January at least, i can feel it, noticeably. The worse i get the more i get that feeling.
i've been hearing screaming alot lately...and a demon...makes me do bad things anyway..i never know what to do..but i've been using my mp3 player alot...kept it in on loud...doesn't stop it...but i helps reasonably...
i don't really do anything to cope with it simply because i don't know how to.
My automatic reaction is to curl up with my arms wrapped round my head. i don't know why that would help i just know that i have to fight not to do that if there are other people around. It's like my body's automatic response.
Talking helps. That's probably best if i can find someone to talk to. It helps i think just to make sense of the noise in my head, trying to force it into words. But it has to be conversation really. Just writing it doesn't help so much. Makes me feel more lonely, because it's like shouting with no one to hear.
Cutting helps. Smoking helps a bit. Drinking does not help, tried that one and it made it much much worse it didn't mix well with the antidepressants. i agree, music can be very good.
But i never really know what to do, how to deal with it. It depends where i am when it gets bad, sometimes i just have to give in to it due to no other choice.
