Triggering (OD) - Don't know what to do. *triggering substance abuse too*

[weepingangel]

i don't know what to do. i just want the screaming in my head, in my lungs, everywhere to stop.
i want to drink and drink and drink until it shuts the **** up.
i know it doesn't work.
i drank a bit, not much but a bit, a few weeks ago which teamed with the antidepressants i'm on just made me feel like total ****.
i still feel that maybe i just didn't drink enough.
i don't even like drinking that much. But if it could stop me feeling it would be worth it. Anything would be worth it.
i want to drink and drink. Take a few pills too. Not too many. Not enough to die. Just enough for it to be a problem. Maybe a few days in hospital. A few days out of it. A few days without this at any cost.
i know how stupid this is but i need need need to shut this up.
Just realised how "Girl, Interrupted" this sounds =/. Lots of alcohol and pills to "shut the **** up".
i don't know when. Soon but not now.
i can't do this.

[*Jackie*]

Hey angel,

As one who has been where you are, I know what it is like to want to escape but ODing isn't the way, it just makes you feel sick and guilty. Tell someone exactly how you feel, the doc, or your councellor or go to the ER. Be as honest as you are here. Hopefully that will get them to listen.

I know you just want someone else to know you are feeling reeeeeeeeeeeally bad. SI/SH is seen as attention seeking, it is, it is a cry for help, a way to tell others that you can't cope anymore (amongst other things). Be different and let ppl know how you feel with words, if you keep saying it, they have to listen. (I would like to think this is possible)

I don't want someone else to travel the road i have travelled.I am 'girl interupted' and it isn't the life the movie makes it out to be.

[weepingangel]

Thankyou.

Don't get me wrong. The "Girl, Interrupted" life isn't one that i'm at all attracted to, it was merely an observation of what what i was describing of my life / feelings reminded me of.

Well i'm getting CAMHS sorted out at the moment so that should help. People who will let me tell them how i feel in words. i don't think this is entirely attention seeking though. Maybe that's a part of it but definitely not entirely and not even always consciously.

i know i need help for this. i need to get rid of this potentially lethal desire to escape.

Thankyou again.