|
Scared to get better?
I'm not sure if this is going to make any sense so please bare with me.
I'm at a point now where I know I am better than where I used to be. I'm experiencing less intense emotions and cutting and ODing a lot less.
I feel better most of the time.
But I think that I'm actually afraid to get better.
My social worker calls it "inadvertent reinforcement" because when you cut you get taken care of and treated nicely (not always true in the ER but whatever) and somewhere in your brain it can get registered as a good thing, even subconsciously.
I really think that I'm scared to take the last step and get better. A lot of times I want to go back to where I was a year ago because I felt safer. I understand that it only seemed like I was in control and I really wasn't, but it felt like it. I could control my emotions. I could control myself.
I think that maybe it has something to do with that quote: "If you stop doing something that defines you, do you cease to exist?" or something like that.
Maybe because I started before puberty and did it all through out that it feels like hurting myself is a part of who I am.
Maybe I'm just not ready to stop.
You can only be afraid if there is something really worth saving.
I have to figure out what that is so that I can stop hurting myself once and for all.
But what if that never happens. What if I can't stop. What if I'm the old granny who still cuts herself? How horrible would that be!?!
I used to cut multiple times a day, now I'm down to once every couple weeks and usually not badly at all. I think about it alll the time though. Cutting and ODing are almost always in my head.
What if that never goes away?
I don't like how non-concrete this all is. There are too many possible outcomes! How are you expected to go on if you have no idea what you are up against!? It's like going in to fight a monster and having NO idea what type of dragon, or even how big the dragon is. How are you supposed to prepare for that?!
I think that I'm freaking myself out wayy too much.
Relax, Emily. Breathe...
This is not good.
|
