Triggering (SI/ED) - You know what depresses me?

SheHasHope · 23-04-2010, 11:25 PM

What depresses me is the fact that we get one life, and after we die, we will never live again.

And that I'll probably be a cutter (even if I do stop) for the rest of my life.

I've screwed up pretty badly and I don't even want to fix it because it scares me absolutely to death that I could possibly live a life without these things I've become so reliable on. I made myself throw up for the first time a few days ago, and lately I've been going against my normal "self injuring" routine by self injuring at all hours of the day, even at school. It makes me realize what I'm capable of and how little I care about my future when the present is too much to handle without taking control in the only ways I know how.

*sigh*

makedamnsure · 23-04-2010, 11:47 PM

I know just how you feel hun.

But then again there is ALWAYS hope for the future. Even if you do continue to cut it can be to a lesser degree and impact less on your life. Many people do "recover" completely so its possible darling.

Sounds like things are difficult right now so perhaps you are reverting to unhealthy ways of dealing with that stress. But, like all things, this too shall pass. x

SheHasHope · 23-04-2010, 11:53 PM

Oh I know I'm reverting to unhealthy ways of dealing with stress. And hope is what keeps people alive, especially people who suffer in the way we do.

But as many people say, even if we do stop, the thoughts are always there, and I know the urges will always be there for me. I don't think I've gone through one day without thinking about self injury. And I don't think I ever well.

makedamnsure · 24-04-2010, 12:22 AM

Me neither to be honest. At least not really go away.
It will always be the first thing we turn to when things go wrong purely because it has worked before.

But I think it will get easier to block/ignore the thoughts given time.

Whats bothering you chick?

SheHasHope · 24-04-2010, 02:24 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by makedamnsure

Me neither to be honest. At least not really go away.
It will always be the first thing we turn to when things go wrong purely because it has worked before.

But I think it will get easier to block/ignore the thoughts given time.

Whats bothering you chick?

It feels like I'll die and never leave my "mark" on the world. I'll be the one who had big dreams, or the one who tried really hard at everything, or...and this is what I dread the most...the depressed one who hid everything and never told anybody she self injured. And that's all I'll ever be. Gossip. A memory fading away. The girl who could but didn't because she died.

It feels like I'm going to die any day now and I can't break out of routine. There's happy times, but at the end of the day I feel so numb and heartless.

I am so afraid of the future, and the possibility there won't be one. I am terrified of death and that alone is stopping me from living.

makedamnsure · 24-04-2010, 02:11 PM

Why are you scared you are going to die? You don't have to.

And besides I'm guessing you have already "made your mark" on the world to the people you care about you. "To know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived. This is to have succeeded." People do care about you, and there are people who would be absolutely devasted if you died.

What are your big dreams? Theres no reason at all that you can't acheive them.