Honestly, I don't know anymore. I just know that I feel very alone and I could really use some support right now or just knowing that someone is here. Listening, I dunno.
I came out of hospital, after almost 5 months in there, a month ago and today, I was put in here again. Secure unit this time with people constantly watching me. I feel like such a failure that I couldn't deal with more than a month in the free. I feel empty and lonely and I'm just not coping. A lot happened while I was out, something that really put me off. Some will know what it is, others will not and I don't feel like explaining it now as it's so very hard for me to talk about.
But I've been struggling a lot for the past two weeks and my suicide thoughts have gotten so severe that it's no longer safe to be home. Not that I want to be home right now, I don't want to be anywhere right now to be honest. I feel so empty, so incredibly empty. There's actually nothing that keeps me alive right now other than not being able to act on my thoughts in here.
I'm so angry, I want to hurt myself and others. I want to harm strangers in the street, I want to harm my boyfriend for doing this to me, his family. Even my own. This week I ended up hitting my mum several times, I've never done that before and she was only trying to help me, but I can't control it. I really can't control it. And I'm so sad, I feel like ripping my heart out, literally. scratch it out with my nails. Stop me from feeling, from living. Just stop me from anything.
But the worst part is how empty, how alone I feel. Everything i lived for was ripped out of me. I can't stop thinking about what I was forced to do. I can't stop hating myself. And I just feel so empty, like there's nothing left at all. They removed all my dreams, all my hope, all my love. Everything, and I feel so guilty, so horrible. Like the worst scum walking this earth. I disgust myself and I no longer want to be here. I keep breaking down crying, screaming and I honestly don't believe I will make it this time. I am completely convinced, that if they had let me go home today, I wouldn't be alive now. I had no intentions on living, I had it all planned and I've never in my life been this determined to die. It upsets me that they wouldn't let me go home, that I couldn't get it done with.
I don't know what I'm asking from you with this, I don't know what I want. Perhaps I want you to lie, tell me it's going to be okay, even when I deep in my heart, know it's not going to this time. Maybe I want someone to forgive me for what I have done. i don't know anymore, I don't know anything. I just need something.
I'm sorry for the post, it's pretty pointless, isn't it?
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When we're deeply hurting we tend to hurt those who care for us. When we feel that no one can reach the hell in our core, we lash out in fear and pain.
I understand overwhelming anger and violent thoughts. It's something I also live with. It can really tear at the heart, when one is in a state of mind when one's more able to reflect.
Qvazzy, i don't know what to say but there are lots of people here who want to listen and want you to be well, which is achieveable for us all just it takes time, its not a failure to be back in hospital if it is what u need x i suspect i know whats happened and i agree it is natural xxx
Just wanted to add some more support, and another offer to PM if you want/need.
I hope there is someone there you can tell all this to. You deserve help, you deserve peace.
XXXX
Thank you so much for your replies and support. It really means a lot to me. It makes me feel a little bit less alone which makes a huge difference for me right now. Thank you!
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Oh Anna, I think you are being too hard on yourself. You're going through some very hard things right now. Hospital isn't a failure, it can be a very valid strategy to help you get through these difficult times. Even though it can feel less than ideal, I think you've shown a lot of strength in going back and getting the help that you need and deserve.
I wanted you to know you are not alone. I am listening. I know we don't talk but I think you're a lovely person and if you want to PM me any time you can do so, okay? I know you've been struggling, please don't keep it inside, at least continue to post here or in RV if it helps you.
I could tell you that I forgive you. Though I never judged or blamed or had any reason to 'forgive' you in the first place, for you have not wronged. And you have said yourself you were forced. I think perhaps it is yourself you need to seek forgiveness from, and often this is the hardest person to get it from. Maybe you need to talk a bit more about what you are going through, why things happened, and work through the need for forgiveness that you have. Are you able to talk about it with someone?
I am glad that you didn't go home, glad that you didn't die. As intense as things might seem today, they might seem tomorrow and for a while, but the intensity of these feelings will pass and the pain you are feeling will heal, in time, and there will come a time where you are glad you haven't died. I know it is difficult to see right now, I am not asking you to see it or believe it, but rather to trust it.
Keep talking. You are such an important person. Don't give up, you have the strength to get through this. And please, be gentle on yourself. Allow yourself to grief, especially when you're in a safe environment.
I know I probably have to forgive myself but I don't think I can. There's nothing i can do to justify what I did, I don't think it was for the best at all and I just, I dunno, I just don't see how I can ever forgive myself for it.
I don't really have many to talk to about it. I can of course talk to teh nurses but I'm not good at that and I'm not good at reaching out for help when I'm struggling. And it's just so difficult to talk about, I'm so scared I might end up crying and screaming again and being unable to stop. It just hurts too much, I think.
Thanks again for your reply.
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I understand that right now it would be so intense for you that it is a very real chance you may cry (or even scream) when speaking about it, I really hear through what you've written that right now you're obviously overwhelmed. That is so understandable.
It's also really understandable that you don't think you can forgive yourself right now. I don't expect that for a while you will feel like you can, and even once you feel like you can it might not happen straight away. Maybe before this forgiveness can happen you need to just be gentle with yourself and keep yourself as safe as you can, trusting that the forgiveness will come and intensity will not stay this strong for you.
Incidentally, somewhere inside you when you are ready to deal with this, remember that forgiveness does not equal acceptance. Forgiveness doesn't mean you condone your actions or that it was right, it can still be something you think was wrong, but simply you are removing some of the guilt from yourself.
Perhaps you need to find a safe place and a safe area for you to express this, and give yourself permission to cry. Have you cried about this yet? Are you feeling grief alongside the rest of these emotions as well, do you think? If you can recognise that you might cry and scream maybe you can find someone you trust and just... see where it goes. This might be a nurse or a friend but hopefully someone who can keep you safe and hear you. Or even doing so in your RV thread might be therapeutic.
Has anything helped you to reach out for help in the past? Is there anything that helps you be able to express yourself in a way that helps you get support? I'm wondering if there's something the nurses can try with you to encourage you to reach for them for support when you need it. I know that some people prefer to show something they've written and then discuss it, but this can be confronting for others. So if anything has worked for you in the past maybe it's worth considering.
I can hear that you are hurting a lot right now. Please don't give in though, take everything in your day moment by moment where possible. You can get through this, I know you've got plenty of people here who care of you and the nurses are there to help you too. I am glad you're in a safe place, but if you're feeling unsafe, please be honest with them.
I'm not doing so great. A lot of things has happened and I ended up being sectioned after I made a run for it when they moved me to a different ward and refused to go back to the secure. I am now in an open ward where I spend 4 months before and know the staff. I suppose that's good however I just really want to go home. I don't want to be in a hospital at all and I don't want help. I don't think I deserve it.
I don't know about the forgiveness. It's hard to see now that i could ever get there. I don't think I even want to forgive myself, I don't think I deserve it. Yes I have cried, a lot actually, the first couple of days I was crying constantly. I still cry whenever I think about it. It's very difficult for me. I do feel a lot of grief. I really wanted it, I was looking so much forward to it and for it to be gone now, it just really hurts.
I have not been good at reaching out for help in the past. Actually, I have hardly ever done it by free will, mostly it almost been forced upon me, which is of course for my own good but it ends up becoming very stressful and where I once again feel, that I cannot live up to peoples expectations. Not a lot has helped me in the past. It has always been a big issue.
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