Triggering (SI) - My mother found out about my rellapse

hope.is.overrated · 23-04-2010, 03:02 AM

My mother find out about me rellapsing in my cutting...she saw me wearing a bracelet and wanted me to take it off at all costs to see if I had any new scars...I didn't take it off but I told her I rellapsed...Why she wanted to see my scars? It's uncomfortable for me to show them to anyone...is she a sadist? She likes to see me suffer?Just can be that...

It was such a stressful situation. She asked me why I did this, if it was because of her; why I don't talk with her about my problems, that she wants to understand...seriously?

First of all, she will never understand. She doesn't live inside my head, she can't read my thoughts.
Second, it's not because of her, because of my father or my sister. The problem is with me, period.
Third: I don't feel confortable talking about my feelings and problems with anybody from family. The first and last time I did this, they all judged me and preached at me for a loooong time...

How am I supposed to tell her I did it because I wasn't feeling I was real and the world didn't seem real to me? That I did it because I was numb? How am I supposed to tell her I needed to see for myself I was real and that I was still here?

The following content has been hidden - Reason : triggering/suicide

She promised she wouldn't tell my father. If she does that I'll swear I'll never talk to her again as long as I live.

ebec11 · 23-04-2010, 03:17 AM

Maybe you could write her a letter that could explain it better? It's hard when mom's believe it's their fault, my mom thinks that's the reason too, and it's so hard to explain because she's the one that keeps me here, not the one to break me. I really hope that your mom can understand.
Do you have a therapist? Any coping strategies that could help you get through this period?

hope.is.overrated · 23-04-2010, 07:05 PM

even being easier for me to writing it than saying it, I can't write something like that to her

I don't have a therapist, they're too expensive and I can't affort (I don't want to ask my father to pay for my treatment again) and the public mental health center is under staff and the waiting list is loooong

I write to cope (sometimes it helps, sometimes it gets worse) but I am in the middle of a creative block