I cant do this, I really can't. He made me throw out my pills, now I just want to do something much more drastic and final. This isnt a suicide note I'm just being honest about how I feel. I'm sorry.
Please, someone, hugs, support, anything?
I just cant bear the thought of waking up tomorrow, the thought of it makes me physically sick, it really does.
Who made you throw out your pills? and by pills I presume you mean a hoard and not your prescription medication? I can understand how scary and frustrating that feels. Do you think it is taking away some of your controll, in having done that? Also, in making you, I presume you did not want to.
Can you go to A&E or call your care team to let them know how you are feeling, so that they can put the right support in place? I do not think it is good for you to be alone right now, at least not until you are feeling less wraught about your medicines.
You can get through this, you can get through today and tomorrow. I know it may not be easy, but it is doable, and it can get better - It just may not be as immediate as we may like. You have made this thread and that alone is a good thing, you are being honest with how it has made you feel and in doing that, you have asked for help. Now, we need you to do the same in the 3d world.
*hug*
Roiben x
If the Human brain were so simple that we could understand it, we would be so simple that we wouldn't.
thankyou so much for replying, it means a lot to me
It was my psych that made me throw away my pills, and yes it was a very large stockpile. I do feel like I have less control, like my "safely net" has been taken away, though I know that doesnt seem to make sense...
I cant go to A&E right now, I could maybe call the crisis team but they are useless and usually just tell me to have a cup of tea or take a bath, not very helpful in short. Plus I went into A&E last week and the outcome was not good so that makes me extremely hesitant to go back; theres not a lot they can do.
Thankyou for sayin I can get through this, I just wish that I could believe it right now, all I can see is blackness and pain.
It makes sense to me. I have treated stock-piles and tools as safety nets in the past. It is a sense of control, as it is your choice. I know that taking that away can feel incredibly disconcerting and distressing.
I get what you mean about things feeling very dark at the moment. You can get through it though. I know it is hard to see right now, that is why I am telling you. Because you need to be reminded of that.
I wouldn't suggest calling the ciris team (I agree, on the useless aspect), but why do you not feel you can go to a&e? What happened there last week that has put you of going again? Bearing in mind the staff may be completly different, or you could choose to go to another towns a&e?
Is there someone you trust that you can contact at all, a friend, relative, Dr? Have you told the Psych the effect this is having on you? (They can be a bit dense at times, in my experience).
*cuddles* sorry, I can't think of words, or helpful advice right now.
Roiben x
If the Human brain were so simple that we could understand it, we would be so simple that we wouldn't.
I cant go to A&E because the people there are the same people as the crisis line, so I wouldn't get any useful help from them unfortunately, and there is only one hospital where I live.
I've thought about sending my psych an email but dont really know what to say, and theres not really anyone else that I can contact right now.
I just wish that these thoughts, images, memories would leave me in peace, I feel like the only way I can get peace is to make it all end.
And please dont apologise, you have helped just by being here, thankyou.
*warning, this is very rant-y and not sure what I want from this*
I'm sorry to bump this up but I'm not feeling so great right now and could just use a hug or something.
I woke up feeling terrible, then felt a bit better even did a couple of things that I've been putting off... but now I've crashed again and feel like I just can't do this anymore.
I'm trying to hold on until I see my psych tomorrow afternoon, but I just dont know what to do with myself until then, I dont know how to keep myself in one piece.
Dont know I'm probably just moaning, I should just be able to snap my fingers and put on the happy face that everyone loves so much but I cant seem to do it right now.
I came to the realization today at DBT when everyone was talking about their "illness" that I am classed as "mentally ill". I hate labels, especially BPD, and it's really getting me down that that's apparently what I am and it's all that I feel I amount to. If you take away my "illness" would there really be anything left? I just feel like, no actually I know, that it's taken over my whole life and everything in it seems to revolve around my problems. I'm trying so hard to change, to get better and move forwards and away from "mental illness," I dont want to be like this! but I dont feel like I can keep going indefinately, or like I can believe that things will ever change.
My psych wrote this to me last week after I told him I got rid of my pills..
"A life of such pain and sadness and emptiness shouldn’t be anyone’s destiny and it wont be yours. I am so confident of this, partly because of what you just did today in throwing away the pills. That took courage. Please believe me Ally. You have a different future ahead of you. Walk with me away from self-injury and suicide."
I wish that I could believe what he said, so so much, but I just can't anymore.
I dont know what I want from this post, I guess I just needed to get it out because this sadness and hopelessness is overwhelming me right now.
I wish I knew what to say to help.. Your psyc is right though and I'll do anything I can to help you. I'm thinking of you and I'm always just one call, txt or train ride away (I'll come to you not the other way around).
Love you lots *hugs*
btw you are so much more than any of your problems, you're a lovely person to be around, you're kind, caring, a great friend and extremely huggable (<- very important!). There's so much you can be and do and I know it's hard to get past any illness, especially BPD, but you can do it and you have a lot of support around you, you won't be doing it alone *cuddles* xoxo
Keep fighting. It is clear that your psych has complete faith in you and we have that faith, too. There were moments today were you felt better and got things done, congratulations and please hold onto that. Those moments can happen more frequently and for longer until it forms you life, you've just got to be around to see it.
Please, do whatever you can and whatever you need to help keep yourself safe. If that means short term solutions like the crisis team telling you to have a tea (!) or if they come over and chat to you for the night, or if you go to the hospital, then that is what it takes. You can get through this Ally. Don't give up, we won't give up on you. xxx
thanks Sophie and Aimee... I called the crisis line am waiting for someone to call me back and am absolutely terrified, I dont feel like I'll be able to answer the phone.
You can answer that phone call and you can speak to them. Good on you for ringing them and hopefully they can get you through till tomorrow when you see your psych. You did the right thing throwing away your pill stash.
well I answered. Was honest, told her I wanted to go jump off a bridge, she told me to stay on the net till my meds kick in and go to bed. If that was working I wouldnt have fucking called!!! Sorry am just really angry now and want to hurt myself. What the hell do I do now?
Is that all she said? No other advice or anything? Is your mum back yet? Can you do something other than hurting yourself till you calm down? How long until your meds kick in? Maybe sleep is the best thing for you right now? Sorry if this sucks.
Dont be sorry Andrea it doesnt suck; and yes that is all she said, the conversation was probably about 2 minutes long. She said to stay online till my meds kick in and to see my psych tomorrow. Yes my mum's back but I cant tell her whats going on or call her because shes not around tonight.
meds should kick in soon, and I dont know what to do to stay safe till tomorrow, thats why I called them FFS!!!!
I'm over it. I'm totally fucking over it. Fuck them. They obviously dont give a shit why should I?
They might not give a shit but plenty of other people do. What your psych said to you up there ^ you have to believe it because it's true. He isn't the only one who cares about you and wants you to be well. Can you ring another helpline? If being online keeps you safe then come back on here after you wake up tomorrow and stay on here till you have to leave to see your psych? Send your psych an email tonight, send somebody from here an email? Text someone? Sorry I don't know what else to say.
*cuddles Meloncholia* I am sorry the helpline was not very helpfull... bit of a misnomer there. You can get through this though. I know that is hard to hear, I can see how much you are struggling with this, but you have your psych and us and your Mum to support you. We all care about you and want to help you every step of the way.
It sounds like you managed to still get a fair bit done - and things you have been delaying, so do allow yourself to be proud of that. I know they must have been tiring, and I understand that sometimes those tasks can wipe all of the energy we have, but you still did them. As Aimee said, hold on to that. You can get there, to a point where they are more frequent and less draining.
I am sorry for rambling. I am tired right now, but I am thinking of you and am always here if you need a bit of support or a hug.
Roiben x
If the Human brain were so simple that we could understand it, we would be so simple that we wouldn't.
*Cuddles you* You said that you wished the images and memories would leave you in peace what images and memories are these? Are you able to share with us what these images and memories are? Whats happening to make you feel this way? I'm glad that you got rid of the pills and spoke to the crisis team. I'm sorry the Crisis team were useless. Please dont give up.
Although we have never really spoke before i do care about you and im here for you. Please dont end your life, it might sound like the right thing to do but believe me its not. You will wake up one morning and be glad that you didnt end your life. I know its hard to believe that things will change but they will things will get better they wont be like this forever. Try to keep yourself distracted as much as you can. I'm thinking of you. Stay safe. I'm thinking of you.
thankyou all for replying, sorry I cant really reply in depth right now head too loud, I'm about to leave to go and see my psych and I am really scared that I wont be able to talk... I feel like just not turning up and staying home to destroy myself.
I dont know what I want from this post, just feel terrible and dont know what to do...
Good luck for it Ally, you will be okay, you CAN do this. Just take a deep breath & begin to talk about how you're feeling. Or write something down as a prompt so your psych can help you. You can do this, take it each small moment at a time, baby steps, less pressure on yourself. I have faith in you, so so much. xxxxxx
You don't need to apologise for expressing how you are feeling Ally. What can you do to make sure you don't stop at the bridge on the way? Would texting me when you get to your appointment help? Be strong Ally, you can do this I'm by yoiur side the whole way xxx
