Triggering (SI) - I've just returned from hospital*update..kill me now*
sorry for another thread.
i webt to hospital about 3 hours after cutting.
i cut very deep and severed a tendon. i will lose the use of my hand over time or so i was told.
im so scared.
i had to agree to come and stay with my sister for tonight but that was the worst thing they could have asked me to do.
my brother is here aklso and they both have screamed abd yelled at me.
ive cried ny eyes out an
and all my sister said was "pull yourself together!!"
maybe i should have the other side of my arm and been done with it.
but no matter how much i hurt, i wont leave my son.
my sister has never hurt me as bad as she did tonight.
i just want to go home.
the counselor that spoke to me at the hospital said "cant you call your family when youre feeling like this?"
i told her yes....but i was so wrong.
i could really use some hugs or something if you can spare them.
thank you.
love toallxx
My sister is the same, always yelling if I do something that she finds out about, and then in the next breath asks me why I don;t contact her when i feel like that.
Because I don;t want to talk about her and her problems when I'm trying not to cut, says I.
Likes that not, says she.
Anyway, is there anyway you can actually go somewhere else rather than with them? Damn shame you're across the pond - you could come and stay with me.
Would even going to a hotel for a night or two help? I know it would mean you'd be on your own (which might not help) but it could get you out of the way of those 2 mean spirited people. Or do you have any other relatives or friends that you could stay with? Hospitals are not prisons, and doctors and nurses are not jailors. You don't have to stay with the people you're with if they are actually making it worse.
But do take care, whatever happens.
Love
Lozx
You don't have to be a monkey to recognize a banana!
i only have to stay here for the night and its already 6:30am.
im just waiting on my sis to wake up and take me home.
i just want to get away from everyone for a while.
a hotel would be nice...but i dont have any money.
and if i could get across that damn ocean....i'd be there in a jiffy.
thank you again.
much love.
xx
Hunni, Its fine that you are posting. If it helps you in theslightest, then keep doing it. Vent - let it out - better on the computer screen than on yourself. I know you couldnt stop yourself from doing this last SI.. and I really dont know you very well, but I have been trying to read some of your posts.. but I havent been so gd myself. What help and support are you getting right now? Do you have the use of the crisis prevention team? Or some form or support that you can contact that you can phone / visit when you know that tension is building up so that you need to cut? (I feel like a hypocrite here saying this because I have support but still cut) I understand that sometimes, nothing else will do.
Its just hard for others to accept that we would choose to do this to ourselves.
Maybe now that you have some serious consequences from the SI it will have shocked you into maybe reconsidering doing anything in future. Maybe not. But when or if you feel that way again, think of all the things you need the movement in your hands for.. and try ANYTHING that will keep you from doing it while you are in that state of desperation. Often, if you can let that emotion pass, the cut will not be as severe if you cut at all. I know its hard. Very hard. I have been there and I am still there. Feel free to add me to msn or PM me if you want to talk about anything or just to vent.
i do have a psychologist that i usually see once a week. but lately transportation has been a problem.
but with all the events lately..i am making an appointment TODAY.
my psych is really great and i need to get back in the routine of seeing him.
Because of all the recent events I think that it may be good for you to see your psychologist more then once a week for a little while. You seem to have a lot of things going on in your head right now that you need to work through, and I think that seeing your psych more often will help.
I think your sister is probably very scared for you because she doesn't know how to help you, and so she gets angry instead. I'm sure it is very hard for her to see you in so much pain.
You may also want to speak with an orthopedic doctor and see if there is anything they can do to repair the tendon to reduce the long term damage.
Take care and be safe.
Well it breaks my heart to see you this way,
The beauty in life, where's it gone?
And somebody told me you were doing okay,
Somehow I guess they were wrong.
That sounds scary Rach'. I'm sorry your family weren't supportive but I suppose they're grieving too. I wish I could do something to help you. I hope you feel better when you get back to your house and your dog and your own familiar space. I think it would be better if you could be alone for a while though, to get some peace. Seeing your psychologist is an excellent idea. I think you should be as honest with him as you are with us. Take care, I hope healing is happening for you, in all ways.
Oh hunni, I'm so sorry! I'm sorry you were feeling so awful. I'm sorry your sister hurt you so much.
Kim is right, maybe seeing the psych twice a week would be a good idea.
Please be careful with yourself hun.
*hugs*
Alyssa
I'm selfish, impatient, and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I'm out of control, and at times hard to handle, but if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best.
~ Marilyn Monroe
oh Rach, im sorry that you are still hurting after all this time.
AD is right though, your sister is only acing this way because she does not know how else to help you. She has ever been in this postion and i think that it can be hard for someone on the outisde to even think about hurting themselves.
You have the right attitude towards not giving up though hunni. You canbeat this, just dont give up yet. Maybe try to organise some extra outside support. Be it a psych or cpn or even some of the voluntary services. Just someone that you can talk to a little more often. Also, how about calling some of the hotlines when you feel down? Mightbe worth a shot.
And in regards to the tendon, speak to your regular GP and ask for a referal. You can do this rach, keep fighting.
thank you everyone.
i AM going to be ok.
ive made up my mind.
the past week i had some major setbacks but im getting back on track again.
sure, the urges are still really strong but they always are after a relapse.
i saw my psych yesterday and will be seeing him weekly again.
i would see him twice a week but my insurance will only cover once.
my brother starts college tomorrow and im really hoping things go well for him.
he'll still be living here as he's going to a local college.
thanks again you guys just for being who you are!!!
love to all
xx
im trying so hard but i may have spoken too soon.
ive woken up to find that my brother didnt go to his orientation for college.
i cant make him do anythiung.
and i cant spend this whole year fighting with him.
nobody in this ****ing family understands that ive lost MY father too!!!
my sis and bro can be upset all they want but im not allowed.
i guess they figured i didnt like him in life why shpould i miss him in death???
theyt dont ****ing GET IT!!!
they never have.
****l the whole lot of them.
im having a bit of trouible right now.
im sorry.
xx
ps. no matter that ive really screwed up my arm. i cant feel half of it. my own damn fault.
this day should be interesting to say the least. meh.
Last edited by pea soup : 15-08-2007 at 06:06 PM.
Reason: i dont fucking know
im just really struggling.
i dont know how to explain it.
im finding it hard to get my words out.
im confused, sad, kinda "lost".
a bit angry....frustrated.
umm....restless.
very nauseated.
i wish i could just vomit and get it over with.
i always throw up when someone dies but i havent yet.
i just cant believe hes gone.
i wont let myself.
im afraid if i do..i'll completely lose it and im scared.
i have no safe place to go.
and the stress with my brother is all consuming.
im very concerned about my arm.
i honestly didnt mean to do so much damage.
but i didnt even feel it.
i was frustrated because i felt no pain when i cut but then realized i had cut so deep that it just went numb.
i damaged alot of nerves and a tendon...thats why its numb...i so hope its only temporary.
i just dont want to completely break down or shut down.
and ive got that headache over my right eye again...supposedly a migraine but my doc has suspected that i may be having temporal lobe seizures which is kinda scary.
my right eye completely crosses when i get the headaches.
anyhow..im rambling now.
xx
do you know how guilty i feel?
when i gave my speech at his memorial....i did as i was told.
i wanted to add my own "choice words" but i knew it wasnt appropriate.
ive been angry with everyone because now that hes gone..everyone acts as if he was a saint.
i am SO confused.
i dont know how to feel
i dont think i even KNOW how i feel
i do have a nice cuddly, squishy stuffed animal doggie that boutght myself for valentines day, lol.
and i do cuddle with him.
but crying is almost impossible for me.
i'll start but immediately stop myself.
i was so conditioned to NOT cry.
thats how the SI started, i believe. it was the only way for me to release emotion.
i feel ashamed when i cry.
i feel ashamed about alot of things.
id like to go have a shower but my brother will take the pc if i do..ugh.
i wish...oh i dont know what i wish.
i guess i wish i could just sleep...but last night i woke up repeatedly with nightmares about my son.
he kept drowning over and over.
im afraid to sleep.
i wish i could talk openly to someone.
michael just called me (son's father)
hes going to come and spend this weekend with me.
he helps me be safe.
sorry to keep rambling...im just pulling at strings to keep from harming.
and typing keeps my hands busy.
my brother hates me.
im a disgrace to him and an embarrassment.
he finds my disability shameful.
i wish he would love me for who i am just as i do him.
god...i wish i wasnt so sensitive...its just in my nature.
