Triggering (SI/Suicide) - reached my limit - support really is needed please, please
I've reached my limits of coping.
The volcano.
No flights.
If my therapist is abroad, I could be stuck for longer than another week without support.
We are due to start back after a 3 week break on 26th April.
But. No flights currently.
At least. At least there's a week for hopefully things to ... get better.
But what if they don't?
It's not only the prospect of having no support for longer than anticipated, with all the anger and fear that entails, which can be overwhelming.
It's the not knowing.
It's the feeling of being totally cut off from love and support and understanding and nurturing. It's a re-enactment of when I was a very small, new baby, and separated from my mother.
Call me borderline, dependent, ungrateful. It's the truth, but it doesn't help me feel understood or that my feelings matter.
I have scratched my arm. Only a little. But there could be more, if things don't get better.
I am considering suicide plans.
I see my GP tomorrow morning. I hope she'll be there. I need her. I need someone. I need to talk. I can't bear this. I can't.
It's been one disaster after another in the world this past 2 weeks. This is the last straw for me, it feels.
I feel so utterly alone. And frightened. And hurting. And angry. And vulnerable.
I'm emailing with the Samaritans. Which is a little bit of help.
Maybe I'm over reacting. But. Sometimes things are worthy of such an over reaction. Maybe.
I want to hurt myself.
I want to attempt suicide if things get worse.
I feel so helpless. So alone.
I feel that I don't care about myself any more. "Because no one else does, so why should I care?"
Try not to panic, I know it's not easy to do, but your gp may be able to put you in touch with someone else to talk to temporarily if your therapist can't make your appointment. I would also presume your therapist would let you know if she thought she couldn't make the appointment, so although the not knowing is tough on you, in a way no news is good news. It is good you're talking to the samaritans, I agree with the poster above that a suicide helpline might help you if things are getting really bad.
She has said she'd tell me, probably by email, if she gets stuck anywhere. But because things are as they are, no one really knows what's happening.
If things are still bad travel wise on Wednesday, I'll email her. I'll have to take the risk.
I will hopefully be able to see my GP again next week. I don't know what other options there are. I can look into what work could offer. My manager's back [hopefully] on Monday. So I can email her in the morning.
Katie, I understand this must be incredibly hard for you. The not knowing.
I am sure that the flights will be running again by Wednesday and you will have your appointment but I realise that doesn't help in the here and now with your uncertainty and fear.
Try your best to remain calm and treat yourself to calming things. Have a nice bath with oils, read a nice book. Stay away from watching the news and worrying. I know it is hard but you will get through this. Your therapist hasn't "abandoned" you; she will be doing her utmost to be back for you in time I'm sure, knowing how much you need to see her.
You should care about yourself sweetie, because we all care about you very much.
My GP pretty much told me not to look at the news on the internet. This is easier said than done, as I've looked a couple of times briefly since, but have held back the obesssion. So far. It's hard. My GP said that she understands it's compulsive, but that I need to focus and take back control.
I need to be told over and over again that she's not abandoned/ing me. Child self can't understand or conceptualise it. It seems.
I'm so tired. I walked ... a long way this afternoon. Swiss Cottage to Baker Street via Regent's Park. I was aiming for Hampstead Heath, but got lost.
I'm afraid I don't have many words but I will reiterate - she is not abandoning you. Chances are she will be absolutely fine and safe and well. It must feel very frightening and alone-ifying (ok, I made that word up) but I'm positive you'll get through this really difficult time.
Look after yourself, try stay away from the news.
xxx
The Mole was bewitched, entranced, fascinated. By the side of the river he trotted as one trots, when very small, by the side of a man who holds one spell-bound by exciting stories; and when tired at last, he sat on the bank, while the river still chattered on to him, a babbling procession of the best stories in the world, sent from the heart of the earth to be told at last to the insatiable sea.
Wind in the Willows.
Try to get a good nights sleep. An early night if you can.
What would make the child "you" feel safer? Being wrapped up in a nice blanket with a teddy? Or colouring in a colouring book? Might sound silly but those things might help for a while.
And continue to remind yourself that you have not been abandoned. Your child self may not understand but your rational adult self should. Just repeat it to yourself like a mantra " I am safe and cared about and everything will be ok".
The moment you feel like giving up,remember why you held on so long.
You can buy me with a coffee,I'm so cheap. Got bitten fingernails&a head full of past;Got a broken heart&your name on my cast.
&&I wanted her to tell me that she will never wake me.
I have scratched my arm more, this morning.
To and from work I was very unsafe.
--
People tell me I can cope. But they are talking to Katie, not me.
--
My coping self has separated itself from my not coping self and I am very... split. I cope at work, and then fall apart on the way home, hostile, violent, distressed, practically sectionable.
It was only the fear of hurting other people that stopped me running into the middle of the North Circular and ending it there and then.
I feel utterly bereft, lost and helpless. And when Katrina is in control I don't care any more about how dysfunctional I become. She just wants people to take care of me.
