Triggering (Suicide) - I Fear I May Do It...

[pea soup]

this is NOT a suicide threat so please dont delete. thanks.

im simply going to get this out....for about 2 months now, ive piddled around in my head with the "idea". and of course, ive attempted before. but ive never contemplated really. its always been impulsive and most of the time i was drunk.

i havent had a drink in a year? something like that. my mind is clear enough to know whats going on inside my head. and its terrifying.
my sister's wedding is in July. and i keep saying to myself "i have to wait until the wedding is over" or "i need to get it over with before the wedding".

the sadness has now become intolerable. im not harming. not drinking. im even off my narcotic pain meds.

so i believe im rational. and if im rationally thinking about "how"..."when"..and "where" ALL THE TIME what does that mean? i dont trust myself any longer. i used to. i used to come here and just tell it like it was. but now...i doubt everything. i question everything.

the pain never goes away. i stopped all my destructive behaviors and the pain is unbearable. i knew how to stay alive but its been taken from me.

i have no way out of this. i know some will hate me. some will call me weak. some will cry. but NO ONE will truly understand.

i have this looming thought that it WILL happen. i just dont know the "in's and out's" yet. i know my family will be devastated as will my friends so please dont preach about that. ive thought of all consequences and the pain i will cause others.

ive had friends take their lives before and from my point of view...it was a bit selfish of me to be angry at him. who am i to know what a person is actually going through that takes them so far that this is the only option they can see. because i feel that way right now. i try to keep myself asleep so my mind doesnt terrorize me. but no one can sleep forever.

anyhow..im not sure what i want or need from this post. its just kinda here.

[akita]

Are you seeing a counsellor or doctor that you can tell this to?

[~*forever_broken*~]

How do you feel about the idea? Because ever since my last MD episode I have come to a similar realization which is that, I do not believe that I will die naturally or accidentally. I will die by my own hand. Not necessarily soon, but it will happen. And right now the idea makes me sad. How does your realization make you feel? Because it sounds to me like it's time to get worried, hun. If you are saying things like 'I have to wait until after my sisters wedding'... well it sounds like you're a bit close hun. Too close for comfort.

How do you feel about this?

[Mandimoo]

if you are rational then you know that you need to get help. come on rach, you can beat this, i'm so pleased that you're not drinking, harming or taking the narcotics - well done.

really try something alternative if conventional medicine doesn't help. maybe look up reflexology points to help with depression and you and kelly can massage each other's feet. something has to help coz its not right that such a beautiful wonderful woman is hurting like this.
love you x

[pea soup]

the idea of suicide comforts me actually. it lets me feel that i have a way out. i know that will sound very scary to most but not to me.

im fighting it. i talk to Kelly about it everyday and she helps a great deal. she hold me and caresses my hair. she cries with me. i love her so much. she does her best to help me.

and yes, i also see a doc and a therapist and i told my therapist 2 weeks ago about it. but she didnt panic. i have all the crisis numbers if i need them. plus she gave me 2 chapters to help my self esteem. she thinks that is big problem for me. if i thought more of myself maybe these dark feeling would go away. i havent the courage to even look at thew chapters yet. but im going to tonight.

thank you for your replies. and please know that i dont want to cause my family or friends any pain but i also cant bare the pain im in.

loves.xxxx

[Geranium]

Hi pea soup,
I mainly want to let you know I read your post and I'm sad it's so hard for you at the moment.

I won't say I know how you feel - as everyone's different - but just that I have experienced similar states myself (+ very recently.) A lot of what you have said sounds horribly familiar- about when emotional pain gets so unbearable it over-rides every other concern.

I'm aware that anything anyone says can sound a bit trite- but please don't give up yet - you are still in therapy, so you have some reason to think things might change.

One vaguely useful thing a mental health worker asked me was "what do you do to have a break from all this?" I've found that quite helpful in terms of making a conscious effort have an hour or so a day where I switch off from it as much as possible - (in my case that's usually reading or a good TV programme.) It doesn't take the situation away but it does put it into the background for a little bit, so part of the day is not so ****.

take care,
xx

[pea soup]

thank you geranium :)

actually Kelly and i are going to spend the weekend with my Mom. we are meeting her today at the social security office because my grandma can no longer be my payee as she's getting too old(sad). so Mom is going to take it on for me. i wish i didnt have to have a freaking payee but oh well.

then we are going for chinese for lunch!!! one of my favs. and she is cooking a steak dinner for us tonight. her birthday is tomorrow and she invited us for the weekend. the kids are staying home so it will just be us.

im so glad that my mom and i actually have a really great relationship again. i can talk to her about anything. ive been having alot of trouble with all the deaths in my family that have happened in the last 2 years, especially my father. i talk to her alot about that.

anyhow, hopefully this weekend will help me a bit.

thank you all guys for your support.
loves.xxxxx

[Mandimoo]

hey rach, maybe you and your mom could take a trip to see keith, just you two - coz although kelly is your family now, sometimes you need to get away from everything 'normal', plus i'm sure oyur mom would love to see keith too.
mand x