I'm sorry if this is disjointed and makes little sense. Blame lack of sleep... *left eyes twitches*
Last week I relapsed after not SIing in two years (and I truly believed I had left it behind me for good this time). Ridiculous as it sounds, what triggered me was a comment from a friend about how I seemed a lot happier these last few months.
I'm so good at hiding, so good at putting on a front, and I hate it. I'm too frightened and ashamed to admit I'm not what I appear to be, but at the same time I'm tired of always pretending. I am the listener, the shoulder to cry on, the rock to lean on. I sympathise and offer advice when my friends are down. I celebrate with them when they're happy. I'm always there, always listening. But I've been doing it for so long now, there's no one to listen to me. Everyone knows they can lean on me, but I feel as though I am collapsing. I'm at breaking point and something had to give. I suppose you could say the comment from my friend was the straw that broke the camel's back.
I never thought I'd be 25 and still doing this to myself. But then I never thought I'd waste three years of my life loving a man who can never love me back. I never wanted to fall in love, never looked for it. When it happened I tried to stamp it out, tried to push it away by pushing him away. I longed for friendship but I was too afraid he would hate me. Now I am full of regret because he is not in my life at all. It has been the single most painful experience of my life. An experience I was told to simply "get over". I've felt so alone in all of this, so ashamed. Imagine that...ashamed of being in love. "I am hated for loving, I am haunted for wanting." Even now, my feelings remain.
I am 25 years old and I have nothing to be proud of. I'm plain and dull and utterly forgettable. I'm not clever or interesting and I have no talents to speak of. I love writing but I hate what I write. I used to want to be a comedy actress but I hate being watched. I hate having my picture taken. I'm awkward and clumsy and socially inept. People tell me I look like a 12 year old - I use this to excuse my immaturity. I often behave like a 6 year old, often like a 60 year old, but I hardly ever act my age. I'm sarcastic and I make jokes about all the wrong things. I'm mean. I'm insecure. I hate everything I do, everything I say, everything I am.
I pretend not to care what people think but I'm ridiculously eager to please and desperate to be liked. And that makes me despise myself even more.
So, on that happy note, I'm going to finish. If anyone managed to read this thing to the end without throwing themselves/their computer/someone else/all of the above out of the nearest window, I thank you.
My computer, myself, and my dog and cat all survived without making a trip out the window so no worries there
I like to write too. The first bit of your post made me think of a couple of poems I have written. The links below will take you to them if you would like (the second link is actually a link to a blog entry with TWO poems on it... the second one is the one I thought of for you). I'm not trying to show off... just... let you know I understand.
I am very sorry that you are feeling so terribly low. I understand feeling like "I'm plain and dull and utterly forgettable." , "I'm sarcastic and I make jokes about all the wrong things. I'm mean. I'm insecure. I hate everything I do, everything I say, everything I am."
I also know that, no matter how much you may feel like that, how REAL it feels... It's not the truth. I don't know you personally but still, I know that those things, those feelings, they are not what is real.
Please, take care. And keep in mind something one of my Uni instructors told me (she knew I cut and would ask me about it... I had to tell her once that after so many days/weeks, whatever it was, that I had cut again)... relapse makes recovery that much stronger, in the end.
I'm selfish, impatient, and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I'm out of control, and at times hard to handle, but if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best.
~ Marilyn Monroe
Everything and everyone present and accounted for, all windows checked and none open or broken :D
I did read it all. *you're welcome- not being snotty, just habit to say your welcome when someone says thank you no matter the reason/intent*
I have no words of wisdom to impart but I completely understand where you're at right now. *huggles*
I was lei'd in vets! ***** Proud Plumeria Sister!
"He said look inside your heart/ And you'll see stars/ Falling stars/ Look, deep into my eyes/ Don't look down/ Or you'll fall, he said/ Here, the sky goes on forever"
Thank you so much. Even writing on a message board makes me anxious so I appreciate your reply. Your poems are lovely by the way, and I can definitely relate. Thank you for posting them.
I am glad there is somewhere where I can finally be open about things. I feel so overwhelmed lately. I work full time and I started studying for a degree last October (my first time in education since leaving school), which I know I should feel good about, but mostly I just berate myself about not doing well enough. It will be another couple of years of studying yet and while I do think I can do it, I also feel panicky at times. I get so scared, I just want to shut out the world and hide away in my room.
I've struggled with depression, anxiety and insomnia for a long long time but I'm just so tired these days. At least now I know there is a place I can come and know that there are others who understand. :)
