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Triggering (SI) - Therapy tomorrow - worried because I'm NOT suicidal
Yeah, weird title, I know. So last week I was really messed up, suicidal enough for my therapist to strongly suggest that I check myself into a a hospital. I really didn't want to (since I don't want to be that crazy (yeah, stupid, I know)). We had spent that session talking about suicide and my cutting, and I know I disassociated for at least ten minutes and on and off again throughout the whole time. He did say that we were "talking about some heavy ****", so he understood why I wasn't completely "there". And he thinks and I tend to agree, that all of this is happening right now because I'm leaving for college in a week and I don't really know if I want to go. So, after making me promise not to kill myself, and to call him or my GP if I felt like suicide or SIing, or whatever, I went home.
Fast forward to now, one week later, I'm feeling normal (whatever normal is for me). I've wanted to cut myself a couple times over the past week, but nothing really strong. I've also wanted to burn myself (something new), and I didn't, but I did go out and by a lighter, one of the ones that you use for lighting grills, really big, really burny. But I haven't hurt myself during the past week.
So basically, when I go in tomorrow, and he asks "How was your week?", I'm going to say normal. And when he asks if I've had any suicidal thoughts or whatever during the past week, I can honestly say I haven't. In other words, relative to last week, I'm happy as can be. Now, it could be the Lexapro kicking in (finally), but I don't really think so. And since last week was the only time that I've ever admitted to him that I do have thoughts of suicide, I'm kind of worried what he's going to say. I mean, completely depressed one week, and the next week, fine?
I don't think he's going to say I'm making it up or anything, but I don't really know how to respond when he asks me how I feel or whatever. And I don't really know why I'm posting this either, except that it's midnight and I can't sleep because I'm thinking to much (i.e. normal for me) and if I write everything down I may actually be able to get to sleep (we'll see). So, I don't really know if I'm actually asking anybody any questions, or maybe I'm just hoping someone will tell me that my therapist will understand. And I've not even sure if everything I wrote makes sense or not.
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