Triggering (SI) - I want to see blood but I can't cut because I made a promise.

BelleRaven · 13-04-2010, 06:19 AM

long story short. my martial art club is like family and my Sifu like a father and im the youngest and they have become like brothers to me. my Sifu had a talk with me after a certain weekend when I called some close friends from the club when I was feeling suicidal.

so my sifu made this ultimatum thing. asking me to tell him what I feel I loose when I cut myself. one of them is training. so my training is reduced to one hour instead of 3 if I cut. and I can't cover it. so initially there is no way out of it. if I don't come its usually if i slipped bad and im uncomfortable. they know it from the scars.

at some point.(recent)my Sifu says I will be suspended for a while if I cut again(which he found out about from the assistant instructor aka a good friend) because this Friday I was trying to reach my sifu to ask him a question after i relapsed. but i ended up taking with the assistant and a friend he was having coffee with,she was very sweet about it and knew about si and was so kind. anyhow it all ends with I am taking a week off to do an essay for my sifu (a way of forcing me to go to the library and "get out there") (long story short I took a year off school slipped a bit into a depressive episode and spend most of my time at home and i got hooked on this secluded routine). kind of lost anyhow I need to do that essay 800 words and I cant cut or else i AM suspended for i don't know how long perhaps a few weeks if i cut.

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what do i do?

one_step_closer · 13-04-2010, 11:01 AM

Can you use red food colouring? Stay strong, you can do this.

Imperfect.Star · 13-04-2010, 11:57 AM

Sometimes I find drawing cuts or tracing scars with a red pen helps xxx

NicolaRose · 13-04-2010, 12:44 PM

If you really want the blood you could try to use a substitute, like food colouring or fake blood, or try to fight the urges, like make a list of all the reasons you shouldn't cut.

I'm sorry things are so hard for you right now.
It's good that you have something that can help you and a community of friends that you can turn to for support, however I think your Sifu might be going about it in slightly the wrong way by getting you to make a promise and also punishing you if you SI, as that will make the guilt abd any self hatred mich worse. It may be that he doesn't understand about SI or how hard it us to just stop, maybe along with the essay you could print out some info about SH and how to support people?

Stay strong

EpicFailGirl · 13-04-2010, 02:22 PM

stay strong, you have a support network, it'll be okay.

are you sure you wanna see blood, it could be triggering? but maybe draw red where you would cut, if it makes you feel better

makedamnsure · 13-04-2010, 03:26 PM

Red shower gel like lynx africa (i know its for men but it smells gorgeous).

Or red marker pen (make sure its washable)

Like I say I like shower gel best because of the way it runs but it can be triggering so be careful hunni.

Kitkat :) · 13-04-2010, 03:34 PM

Anything red that would give you the same sense of satisfaction... But I do understand how hard it is to find something like that.
Personally, and others may disagree with me, but I think it was wrong of your SiFu to give you an ultimatum... I understand that he cares enough to do this, but it puts an increased amount of pressure on you, and in my experience feelings of guilt are likely to trigger it. So if you do accidentally slip up, you feel even more guilty about doing it because you made a promise, and then you may be more likely to do yourself more injury.
I'm not saying that this is how it'll go, but I just want you to take extra care.
Maybe there's other things you can do that won't trigger you... Maybe listening to music to get rid of the initial urges that make you want to see blood. Or drawing. Or punching pillows, screaming, finding useless things to break...
Anything that would possibly help you.
Take care and stay strong.
We know you can do this.
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