Hello,
Well i have made some new friends and there is a younger girl, 10 years old, that does not know about my self harm past, over the winter i have worn long sleeve shirts and we have kept it from her because her mom wanted to keep her from it as long as we where able to but since its almost the summer it will be very hot to wear the long sleeves, since i have been 9 months free of self harm all of them are scars. We now want to tell her about it but we aren't sure how to explain it to her, if anyone can help us with some advice on how to bring it up and tell her about it that would be great.
Hm, honestly?
She is only 10, and it doesn't matter how you tell her, it is going to be very difficult for her to hear and cope with.
She is also at an age where she is likely to 'try things' and I just really don't think it would be a good idea to tell her about it.
If you do chose to tell her, I highly suggest you speak to her Mum first...
I know it's unreasonable to wear long sleeves in hot weather, but maybe just while you're around her it might be for the best.
Whatever you do, please talk to her Mum if you are going to either wear short sleeves around her or tell her, I think that is quite important....
All the best.
~Beauty without intellence, is a materpiece painted on a napkin.~
That's a pretty dangerous age to hear about self harm, especially from someone who you admire (and I am guessing she looks up to and admires you, just because you are older.) Very rarely do I advocate not telling children about a topic, but self injury might just be an exception, especially she is going to see scars.
I understand that it is hot in the summer and everything, but it is possible to wear long sleeves, especially just for a short period of time. There are tons of light sweaters and cardigans out there. I have a few super light cotton (but not stretchy) shirts that are barely warmer than wearing short sleeves. If you are outside you can always say you are preventing sunburn, and if you are inside, well there tends to be a lot of air condition, at least where I live.
If you absolutely have wear short sleeves around her I would probably say something like "I was really sick last year, and I have scars from that." She might not press you for more details, but if she does maybe just say that you weren't thinking straight because you were sick, and you did some stupid things to hurt yourself. This isn't really how I view self injury at all, but I would go out of your way to keep it from appearing normal or okay to do.
I guess it depends on how severe you scars are too.
Well her Mom wants to know how to tell her, i am not someone that wears long sleeves a lot even during the winter, i only wear them when i am around her and i am actually moving in with them so i will be seeing her 4 or 5 out of 7 days a week when she is with her mom unless she is at her dads. my scars are pretty severe..she is also very mature for her age...
Well I don't think you should give too many details. I mean, like the others said at that age she might decide to try it. So if you said something like you were really sad and did it, then next time she is sad she might give it a go. Not saying she will, but I think that maybe missing out the details as to why might be beneficial.
Do you guys definitely want to tell her that it's self harm? Or could you make out that it is something else, like you were in an accident when you were younger or something?
If you do want to tell her that it's self harm, then I think that what nine said about telling her you were sick might be a good idea. And technically not lying. Or saying sometimes when really bad things happen and they hurt you inside really badly, then they also makeyou hurt outside as well, and then make sure she knows that she will never hurt so much that she will hurt on the outside too. Something like that.
Hope it goes well and you figure something out :) x
And you're my obsession, I love you to the bones...
Yeah don't give her details. Perhaps just explain that although you self-harmed its not a good thing to do and you don't do it. Perhaps place more emphasis on the fact that you are free and no longer do it, rather than the injuries themselves.
Otherwise, if I were in your position, I'd say something like "I was in an accident" or "its a long story, perhaps when you're older" but you say she's mature for her age so I guess just take it really slowly and gloss over the details.
Try googling it. I had a quick look, and although most sites aren't very useful, there are some people asking the same question as you out theres and the replies might help :) x
And you're my obsession, I love you to the bones...
I would find out what the mom has to say...maybe she would have ideas on how/when to bring it up and the best way to do so. I wouldn't say anything unless she asks about it. I have a nephew who is 11 and i don't want him finding out about SH/SI because i don't want him to think that it is the only option and him turning to it. From an Aunts point of view, make sure she knows and has other ways of coping before you tell her because she probably looks up to you and will think..."well if Katie did it then it is okay for me to"
Great Job going 9 MONTHS that is incredible!!!
Good Luck!
I can fly, I can fly among the clouds
All I need are a pair of wings,
outside help, and a little faith
You are valuable, don't let anyone tell you differently.
Love Gives Me Hope
Thankyou all for the advice, the mom was the one that actually wanted me to look into this, i know its going to be a difficult thing to do but i am going to make sure to emphasize on the its not a good thing and now i am doing much better. 9 months has been my longest and i plan to go longer, i do not want to get back into that.
I don't think being mature for her age helps much ... Self injury isn't really tied to immaturity. I was always told I was very "mature" for my age, and in some ways I was. I don't really think that effected my self injury at all. Likewise, while I would have definitely understood if someone had told me that self injury was bad, and not an acceptable option, the exposure is there all the same. It's not that I would have immediately said "oh, x cut, so I should go try that right now." But it would be some time when I was frustrated, and no matter what anyone had said about SI it was still there as an option.
I really do think it can have an effect. I was definitely always susceptible to self injury, considering the fact I've hurt myself in some way or another since I was very young, and I likely would have ended up cutting anyway. But when I was twelve I found out someone I really admired cut, and while he never glamorized it made a HUGE impression on me. No one would have ever guessed that I would be effected by something like that, but I was.
They have definitely shown that there is somewhat of a social aspect to self injury, that is you are more likely to struggle with self injury if someone else you know does first.
Another thing that I worry about in this situation is actually just her seeing your scars. A huge percentage of teenage girls self injure at some point, but generally it isn't very serious. If she is going to do that anyway seeing more serious scars to compare herself too could be really bad. I know that in the beginning my self injury was very mild, and it wasn't really until I realized other people went deeper that I felt I had to as well. If I had seen someone with a lot of scars as a kid I definitely would have strived for that.
I am sorry if I'm being too harsh. I realize that in the end there might not be much you can do to avoid this situation. Wearing long sleeves all summer might not be a possibility, and you might just have to tell her. It's not an ideal situation, but then again it's not an ideal world.
I have a younger brother (almost ten). When I was in hospital last year he obviously knew something was up so I told him the basics. I asked him if he knew what depression was. His reply was "isn't that when you're sad all the time" (so cute :) ), so we talked about that for a bit and I told him that some people do stupid things when their depressed etc. He hasn't really seen my cuts properly, but he knows and has glimpsed. Kids are smarter than you think.
I think you should emphasis that it's a stupid thing to do though (subtlety) because she probably looks up to you.
"Watch me fault her "you're living like a disaster". She said "kill me faster", with strawberry gashes all over"
Well, my little sisters are almost used to it. They are 3 and 1, which is a bit young for what you're goin for, but they often point at my scars and ask "sissy what dat" because they're adorable and I just tell them they're scars.
Last edited by bleedjusttoknowimalive : 22-04-2010 at 02:48 AM.
Reason: oopsy i put one of my sister's ages wrong
I have a brother you is 10 and amazingly mature because he has been through so much already. He doesn't know I cut and although I don't always wear long sleeves I guess he just doesn't really notice, but then my scars are not that bad. If he did ask no way would I tell him the truth though because I know he would worry about it. Even my other brother who is 19 only knows that I went through a "bad patch". He has never asked about scars either.
I don't think you should have to cover up in front of her, but I wouldn't mention anything unless she asks, and then just say something along the lines of what has already been suggested "I wasn't very well but it was a long time ago now". I really don't think you should go into too much detail because however much you say "don't do it" she is likely to be curious and might give it a go.
