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Serious Depression relapse?
Hello, My name is Erin. I used to have a very serious problem with depression, for many years. It was very hard, started at a really young age 12 years old all the way til I was 21. Was on all types of anti depressants, SSRI . They never really helped me. It actually made me manic and extremely angry. I had more suicidal thoughts on the medications than without. I felt like a zombie. I felt too "controlled" by this medicine. To me it was like spraying some Lysol on the cat litter box without even scooping out the poop. That's all it ever did was mask the issues then make me pissed off all the time. I eventually got over it. When we moved from this house I felt better. Or did I ever really get over it? And hoe for so long I was free from the chains?? I know I stopped taking the anti depressants after them switching me on several different ones.
I had lived with a guy I was in a relationship with. No problems, til later his true self came out About a year into our relationship. I ended the relationship and had to move back with my parents :( bad enough, they had moved BACK to this stupid house I had so many bad memories of my depression from the past. I have been taking Gabapentin (neurontin)now for 7 months, maybe 8. (for my back pain, I has surgery at 13 years old. I cant get painkillers because I don't have insurance. such bullshit. I used to though. anyways.
At first I assumed maybe this house has a lingering spirit of depression in it. It was that way when we had first moved here in 2001. so coming back to this triggered something in me, I also believe that this gabapentin plays a huge role in why I am depressed. And depo shot. WHICH I will stop getting both meds once the refil is out. I'm tired of feeling nothing, yet I do feel something that is never good.
Here is a list of things I feel every single day:
agitation
depression
confused
anxious
loss of interest in things i like
numbness
irregular appetite
anti social
social anxiety
anger
distracted
lost in my own world, I have drifted too far from myself
chest pains
back pain, both nerve and other chronic pain
excessive smoking, which I plan to get some chanix for. very soon actually.
stressed out pretty much all day
I hate my job so much, yet I am STUCK because of the lack of jobs out here that want to hire
I'm starting to HATE people and even being around people (work issues)
I have to deal with ignorant supervisors who do not know how to perform their job professionally.
So here it is, I'm stuck at home with parents who make me crazy, then I go to work, where I become very very VERY annoyed to the point where I feel SUICIDAL. I am serious. So there is no escape from this winding road leading me to HELL. My bro and I are getting an apartment, but the army likes to torture people and take time on paperwork. til then were both stuck here at my parents. hopefully I can recover from whatever mess I am in.
what I don't feel but want to.
happy
love
fun
excitement
joy
wanted
comfortable
drive to succeed
many more...
so there you go, ima newbie and this is my life. go ahead...bring on some advice
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