Triggering (SI/OD) - I swear I'm going mad and I don't know what to do

[StaceyBee]

Stacey Louise JubJub Green is wondering if anyone would be so kind as to take me to st dai's and get me admitted int o there....not only will you be helping me but you will also be helping the community and you get £50 for it....bonus


The above is my Facebook status
Proof that I am going mad
I've got all sorts of thoughts going round in my head and I can't control them and I don't know what to do and I just want to go to the mental hospital place (which is St Dai's) and just live there cos I can't live with humanity anymore cos all they do is just **** you over and I'm sick of it
At least while I'm there then I won't have to worry about making fresh starts and I'm blatantly not able to cope anymore now and I'm just sick of everything and I am proper ready to just give up on everything
I've had thoughts all day since I've been on my own about killing myself and I would have if I had the means to do it, which I did earlier,til my mate packed all her stuff and took it with her to her boyfriend's so now I have no way of doing it and I have to spend the night by myself with all these thoughts in my head of how I need to be in a mental hospital and get sectioned and how I should be dead and that I'm not worth anything
It's all so confusing and I can't tell one thought from another and I don't know what the **** to do, I just keep crying and then I feel normal and then I feel angry and I'm just so confused at the moment and I want to give up on everything, the fact I ****ed up two fresh starts in a row says it really and if I could have done it, I would have and either been here dead right now or sat in A&E and no one would have given a ****

I've faced facts, I just wish everyone else would and they'd realise that I'm being serious when I say I want to be sectioned
And I can't even see the doctor cos the day that I leave New Quay is the day of my appointment so no more anti depressants, everyone can say hello to Suicidal Stacey and enjoy her being constantly depressed, wanting to die and cutting myself all the time.........bet everyone will love me even more than they do now

[Fry]

You're not going mad, it's actually impossible to lose your mind. You do seem very distressed though and in need of help.
What about going to A&E and asking to see the duty psychiatrist?

[StaceyBee]

The nearest hospital is like 30 odd miles away and I've got no way of getting there
I'm sat here in tears at the moment for no reason and I don't even know why and I'm on the verge of telling my mum exactly what's going on in my head but I can't cos i don't to worry her and there's nothing that she can do, ther'es nothing that anyone can do anymore
I really cannot do this anymore, every time i try to sort myself out it just goes wrong and it doesn't matter how hard I try
I have messed my life up bigtime and there' snothing that i can do about it and even if i did go to the hopsital to see someone then I'd have to let my mate know and I haven't told her anything about how I've been feeling lately and I can't tell her cos I've got no way of lettin gher know until she rings me in the morning and then if I went they'd tell my mum anyway and then everyone else would find out and then I'd just get constantly judged more than i do now
I don't knw what to do anymore
I'm pretty much on the verge of trashing the house just to find something, anything, that will sotp me feeling this way even though I know there's nothing there apart from stuff of mine which is packed but I know what bag it's in and I know exactly what to do, not that it matters cos if I can't make a fresh start properly then I can't even kill myself properly so it doesn't even matter
And on Monday I have to move bac to the town where my ex lives and finding it out has pushed me over the edge cos I moved away from there to get away from him and I've got nowhere else to go and I really cannot cope with being near him or even in the same town as him cos everyone there hates me now cos of stuff he's said about me and I just don't know what to do anymore

I'm really sorry if I've upset anyone with all this

[Fry]

Talk to your mum. I think that would be a really good idea.

[Hollz]

I'd urge you to talk to your mum as well petal xxx

[StaceyBee]

I can't though cos she thinks everything's fine and I'm getting better when in reality I'm just getting worse and she'll only tell me to go back to England

I hate it when she knows when I'm feeling ****, I told her about when I OD'ed ages ago and that was hard enough and she asked me why I did it and I told her cos I was really depressed and she just said she doens't do that when she's depressed and I really don't know what to do
I don't want her to worry about me cos she has enogh to worry about and it's enough that one of her kids are ****ed up, and she thinks that I'm keeping myself together and trying to sort my life out but every time I try to sort it out it just all goes wrong and I just give up even trying anymore, I just give up on everything cos I see no point cos every timne I've tried to sort my life out, someone or something has always managed to **** me over so if I give up then everything will be fine and nothing will matter anymore because nothing will upset me and nothing will make me happy and I won't have any feelings at all and everything will be good then, that's all I want to happen

[Fry]

She needs to know how you really are, it's important. Even if she doesn't fully understand. Don't worry about her worrying, she can take it, she's your mum - it's what she's there for. & you need somebody. Don't keep thinking about what she might say. You'll definitely feel better if you let this out and speak to her.

[StaceyBee]

She'll hate me for lying to her about how I've been and so will my stepdad
The fact I didn't tell her months afterwards about when I OD'ed says it all really and I was even too scared to tell her that but I thought she needed to know and she has enough to worry about now with her health without worrying about mine and how I am and I'm old enough to know better
I should have listened to her when she told me not to move but I knew better, well I htought I did and now I'm just a bigger mess than i was to begin with and it's all my fault fo rnot listening and for being a **** daughter and a **** friend and just generally ****
I'm not worth anything to anyone and no one would care or notice anyway if I wasn't here cos then at least Suicidal Stacey wouldn't be around and making everyone else miserable and just generally being a miserable **** with nothin better to do than to be miserable
I cannot tell my mum cos she'll jsut go mad and I can't be dealing with it at the moment and I hate it that my mates are worrying about me cos they don't need to worry about me cos there's no need to worry about me, I can handle it, it's not as if they can stop me from doing anything, they couldn't stop me before so why would they be able to now?
Answer is they can't and they don't need to feel guilty and they don't need to be upset cos they can get new friends and my mum and stepdad can get new kids and they have kids already so I can easily be replaced so it doesn't matter, it's fine, no one needs me anyway
There's nothing anyone can do and there's nothing i can do and it's fine, honestly, if my mum knew how I really felt she would tell me to go back to England, back to Exeter where it's no good for me and I'l get into drugs and drining and just generally be a more worse person than i am now but it's ok cos whatever I do and wherever I go, I'm slowly turning into a worser person

[Porcelain Child]

Can you ring the police or the ambulance or maybe a crisis centre near you and tell them how you are feeling they can arrange for the crisis team to visit you at home or in a place where you feel comfortable to talk too.. Maybe the out of hours GP?

[StaceyBee]

I don't want everyone to know how I'm really feeling though
I've just got too much going on and I know that I'm so stressed at the moment that I'm going to have a panic attack sooner or later, I thought I was gonna have one on the way back to Carmarthen earlier
I've moved 3 times now in the past 4 months, split up with my ex, fell out with a load of people and it's all getting on top of me now
I've got to re register with my doctor down here now cos my medication is running out bigtime and I really need to see if I can get some counselling or something
ARGH!!!!!

[roiben]

Sweetie, I understand that you do not want people to know. It is hard to admit to others that we struggle. However, you are struggling too much right now to be handling it on your own. Phone for an Ambulance to take you to your local a&e where a duty psych can talk to you and assess your needs - You can discuss how you are feeling and your thoughts about needing to go ip there.

With your Mum and your friends, I understand that it is hard, but there comes a point where you have to allow them to do the things they want to, which is support you. Yes, your Mum will worry, but that is her job, she is your Mother, and we would think less of her if she didn't.

It is good that you have written this thread as you do sound very low, and as though you are struggling. Now, you need to take the step to reach out to the professionals and get the help you need.

Roiben x

*hugs* i know it's really hard when you know people you love will worry. but honestly, they are going to be much more upset if you actually do hurt yourself or even kill yourself before they find out. while my parents were always really worried when i asked them to take me in, and even sometimes mad, they actually trusted me more because i went to them before i did anything seriously harmful. i know things feel hopeless right now, but they can get better. so please tell someone so you can get to the hospital asap. it's much better than actually hurting yourself. your mom may not understand, but she's going to be much more relieved that you told her beforehand. also you may be able to ask any professionals you see to help explain depression to her. but right now the important thing is keeping you safe. as you may feel there is no hope now, but anyone can get better.