so, I spoke with my parents today about when I was 5...
I managed to initiate a conversation asking whether mum had remembered the name of my teacher for the 'missing year' of my memory [2nd year Juniors]. She hasn't. But one thing we talked about was my crying when I was in Reception class, age 5. And how it was handled. Of course mum didn't question it. She didn't even know for sure why I was crying. But there is a deep empty ache in me, and how what was done must surely have intensified my belief that emotions were wrong. Apparently I was crying,I cried a lot, every morning, and this was upsetting the other children, so the welfare woman took me walking around and around the field. I don't think we can have done any talking, and it probably felt like a punishment. I don't ever remember crying, I just remember feeling very lost. It's the feelings of rejection. That I was upset and had to be taken away from others, to look after them. As at home - 'don't upset your father'. I learned over and over again that my feelings weren't wanted or tolerable by others. Mum didn't even know why I'd been crying. She didn't talk to me. Or did she and I was just, like, mute? I don't think she can have talked.
No wonder Trini and hence Katrina were rampaging all over the place really badly on my walk home after this conversation.. I can have compassion for that. I'm amazed that I could understand and make the connective insight. I've come a long way.
I did also venture to say to Dad how he seemed not to be very happy around that time of the 'missing' year. He said he couldn't remember. At least, that's what he said. He could recall being unhappy around 1981 when he was transferred location at work, but not all the time before then. Hmm.
I'm just really looking for some empathy and witnessing by posting really, please, as in, acknowledgment, understanding and caring. Please. Thanks. :)
I wanted to say that you have definitely come a long way to be able to initiate what was obviously a hard conversation for you, but to also stick with it and have insight afterwards. Well done.
I can relate to not having my fears tolerated as a child, which now means I don't deal with emotions well as an adult so I understand how hard it can be. Well done on initiating a conversation through, you have made alot of progress and come a long way.
"Recovery is something that you have to work
on every single day and it's
something that doesn't
get a day off."
I'm not sure I am still learning the same thing for myself. I guess as you progress in therapy you can begin to learn to accept that feelings are safe and normal.
"Recovery is something that you have to work
on every single day and it's
something that doesn't
get a day off."
Well done for having the conversation Katie, you're braver than me!*hugs*
I went through a bunch of hospitilisation and therapy in my teens and came out the other side without ever really touching on this,there were other traumas in my life at the time that the psychs etc focused on as the cause of my MH issues.
Now I'm your age and my old SI habits have made something of a comeback following the disintegration of a longterm relationship. Funnily enough most of the conversation with the latest therapist is around the "failings" of my alcoholic parents.
I've started reading "The Road Less Travelled" by Scott Peck, an oldie but a goodie - that goes into the lifelong struggle people have if they do not receive the love, caring and sense of self-worth as a child.
Anyway, I have a habit of being a little verbose (sorry), just really wanted to say that yes I relate to what you're saying, and yes I struggle with the same stuff from relatively inadequate parents
JK
