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no one to talk to
So offloading:
I'm home for Easter and am really not used to people being around 24/7. At uni I hate being on my own, so I can't really win. It's just a pain; I love my sister but she's at work 5 days a week so I'm here with one or both of my parents. They were both meant to be at work today and I was like YAY a day to myself, but my dad's ill so he's here, which sucks. Selfish I know, but meh.
I need money but **** getting a job. I am looking at going into teaching after uni, I'm waiting to start a placement and I'm getting involved with an online bullying support site and I'm about to start teaching piano so I don't see why I should waste my time on shitty retail when I've got these skills. Only problem is, until I graduate and get onto teacher training I'm not getting money which is a bitch. But no point getting depressed about some shop not hiring me, when in the long run I can do something else because every time I get turned down I think I'm unemployable but I'm not.
I have started eating properly and my hair is in better condition and, to my genuine surprise, I have not put on any weight. I am so happy about that ^^
Smoking... I NEED to quit because I don't have money and it will **** up my health when I'm already asthmatic, but I genuinely don't WANT to. I like a nice fag.... err would say now and again but it's more like always >.<
Relationship... things are a lot better and 90% of the time stuff isn't on my mind and i'm dealing with it. little pissed that he hasn't come to see me this holiday but to be fair it's Easter so yeah. The "stuff" that is on my mind I've already blogged about but yeah:
Why is it such a big deal for me that other people have done more than I have?
I wish I knew. either way it's not something I can hold against anyone.
I just wish I'd have had more relationship experience. Or that someone else would give a **** about me. Or have given a ****. Maybe I'm afraid no one else will love me. Why would I be afraid of that unless I didn't believe that this relationship was going to last? How can I believe it will last; one day he might drop me for someone else- he has loved before, how am I ever meant to trust that he won't go back to one of them?
I have a portion of his love when he has the whole of mine. I feel dependant on him because he's the first person who has ever loved me. I doubt he feels the same. Other people have loved him before, what makes my love so special to him?
That's what's maybe bothering me. I don't question his love for me or my own love of him, but what makes me so special? Is it just because it's pure? *sigh* Maybe I just can't fully accept I am loved because I wasn't before? How long will that take? How **** will he feel if he ever knows that?
I don't know. I know that I love him and what he is to me, but I either don't know or can't accept how he feels towards me and don't know if I am enough =/
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