Triggering (SI) - Low

[Foxeh]

I'm feeling low today.

I'm so sick of feeling so down for no real reason. I'm sick of having to smile when I just don't want to...faking smiles hurts, after a while and I just wish I could do something to escape.

I thought my mum spotted my scars the other night. I spent the whole next day at work worrying over whether she'd say something to me when I got home. Terrified of the conversation, but wanting so badly to tell her at the same time.
The conversation never happened. Maybe she didn't see after all. I'm just paranoid. Guilty conscience.

I feel selfish and useless as I show such little interest in recovery.
My therapist suggests things that I nod along with but never try or do...it's as though I enjoy wallowing in my self-pity and low moods.

I'm fat and ugly. I was doing so well on a weight-loss programme but its all gone to pot. I might as well just give up. I'll never be happy with my body. I'll never like what I see in the mirror and I'll never feel pretty or feminine.

I'm confused, selfish, disgusting and useless.

I feel poisonous and horrible and contagious on the inside.
I'm sick and toxic because of what he did to me. I'm twisted for not hating him.
I've always been a weirdo. An odd girl who is never happy for long. I'm hard to please, ugly and evil.

I don't even want to stop cutting myself. I wish I could do it worse. I don't want to get better or recover.
I'm a bad person because I find comfort it being miserable and hurting myself. I don't deserve people who worry about me, who care about me.

I should just stop. Push everyone out of my life and keep it all to myself. Enough burdoning everyone.

[Kitkat :)]

I know exactly what you're on about
There's someone I should hate, but I don't, and I feel sick and twisted for not hating him.
It sounds like your depression has hit an all-time low - something I can relate to, my moods often change
You're probably not as fat and ugly as you think you are; depression can distort how you think about things more than you realise, I know this is the case with me but I don't want to stop thinking that way :/
I know how you feel about the cutting, I keep cutting and I don't know why, part of me wants to stop but she wants to keep on going until I die.
If you need anything PM me, I'll be happy to help
XX

[Foxeh]

Thanks for your reply, Kitkat x

[Kitkat :)]

That's okay (:
Remember, if you want anything, advice from someone with similar problems, or ask anything, or just to chat, PM me (:

[Cally]

I feel the same way about cutting sometimes. It's like I don't want to get better, I don't want to stop. But sometimes I'm so ashamed of it I try to stop ( don't get very far) Sick of pretending aswell.

I'm sure you're not as fat or ugly as you think you are ( I know I'm just repeating what was said before me but it's true)

Feel free to PM me

Big Hugs x

[roiben]

*cuddles for Foxeh* I won't repeat what I have already said on your other thread, but the words still stand. You are a much better person than you think you are.

Do you think maybe speaking with a Dr and letting them know how low you are right now may help? If you are on medication, it may be that the dose needs adjusting a little.

I am here for you and feel free to PM me anytime you want.

*hugs*
Roiben x