suddenly fell out of love, time of year?

[coma]

Something really strange happened and I'm scared. My ex-boyfriend sexually abused me (not rape) last July/August. A few weeks ago, I suddenly fell out of love with my boyfriend of almost one year. There was no logical reason for that to happen. I've had to pretend that I'm still in love with him, hoping it'll come back. We've been best friends for years, he's taken care of me at my worst, and we've had a lot of fun times together. Now, I look at him and I can't stand it. There's something that seems so...off I'm not sure what. I just can't look him in the eye. And when we're doing anything sexual, it's purely me giving him whatever he wants. I have no sexual feelings. And today, we were heavy kissing (I guess that's what you'd call it) and I hated it. I went along with it, but it was horrible. He knows that I was abused. He was the one who was there when I realized that I had been abused and held me. There's been times when I've had to get up in the heat of the moment and tell him I need to be alone for awhile, but there's never been anything this bad. I want to love him again. I felt so bad and so guilty one night that I came close to suicide. Fortunately, I decided to wait until the next morning and felt better. I also haven't been able to sleep very well. I'm wondering if that's part of it. We have so many hopes and dreams together, we loved each other, and then suddenly, it's gone on my end. It hurts to say "I love you" and I have to force the tears back everytime I say it. I'm hoping this is because of the abuse (including the lack of sexual feelings.) Our one year anniversary is on the 21st and I want to be in love with him on that day, so that it can be truly special. I'll have broken up with Jeff a year ago on the 14th, so that's around the time the abuse stopped.

I wrote about some of this in my RYL journal last night when I couldn't sleep. I just want to love him again. Up until now, we're inseperable.

[Lampost]

Hey hun hope your feeling alright as you can *hugs*
Obviously the sexual abuse is going to effect you through out your entire life but some of this could be un-connected. Evidently the sexual abuse is causing issues with the sexual side of your relationship but that's understandable and your bf, correct me if I'm wrong, respects and understands that.
Sometimes peoples feelings do change and this can happen slowly or all of a sudden, your saying you've fallen out of love with him ... but if you didn't love (im not just on about "inlove" but just love in general) him it wouldn't hurt so much when you say you love him. It's good your holding out because this could just be a phase your going through and if you've been feeling down alot aswell that could be affecting your feelings for him. You never know the feelings might come back but don't wait forever, there comes a point where you will have a choice to make and if the feelings are back then the decision is easy but make sure you do the right thing for you. If the sexual side is getting too much just talk to your boyfriend n see if you can lay back on it unless you initiate it (sorry I can't sory I can't spell very well today).
Sorry I'm not making much sense and I really am no good at remembering everything I wanted to say but if you want to chat just pm me or whatever im always on msn even if I'm not here so if you need someone to chat to just add me.
take care of you.
beth

[bloodletting]

hey hun..it must be frustrating to want to feel something that you don't, i can't offer much advice..but i do agree with all of comas post.
it's understandable that being sexual is hard for you. in the past when you've been sexual it has been a bad experience and your mind and body will remember that. so just take it slow and dont push your self to do stuff that you aren't comfortable with.
and sadly maybe you are over your boyfriend..with what you wrote it is obvious that you care about him, but that is different from love, and you can't make yourself feel something that isnt really there. give it some time and be honset with yourself..if you still cant feel that love for him after some time then it would be fair on both of you to go seperate ways..yes it hurts, but people do grow out of love. you've both got a lifetime of loving ahead of you, just maybe it will be with other people.
hope that all makes sense
take care hun and dont be so hard on yourself
xoxoxox