Triggering (Sexual Abuse) - Do I have a right?

[RenTheActress]

When I was 14 I spent some time with this 18 year old who went to school with me. I liked him a little although I'd only known him a week. We were coming back from a school trip when we were cuddling on the overnight bus ride home.
I was really uncomfortable and for some reason just didn't feel okay about the situation anymore. But, I knew that I had been flirting with him and had no reason to feel that way, so I fell asleep. The lights on the bus were all off and everyone was sleeping, or trying to, when I woke up with his hands down my shirt and him kissing all down my neck and chest. He told me he wanted me but he couldn't kiss me on the mouth because he had a girlfriend. I wanted him to stop touching me and his mouth felt like hot acid on my neck and face. I was embarrassed so I didn't do anything to stop him.

I wasn't raped.
It didn't go any further than that.

Yet, until about 3 years later I couldn't let any guy (even ones I was dating) touch my breasts. Until very recently I could only enjoy sexual activity to a point, and then I would freak out for no reason.

It wasn't until a year ago (5 years after the bus) that I even told anyone about what happened.

I'm 20 years old and I'm still not over it.

But I feel like there's no reason for me to feel this way. I feel like it barely even counts as sexual harassment- let alone assault or abuse.

What's even harder than thinking about what happened is realizing that I don't really even have a right to feel this way.

There are so many women who have been through so much worse.

I've had nothing but happy trusting relationships since.

So why do I still feel this way? Do I even have a right to feel this way?

<3 Ren

[PoisonedApple]

You always have a right to your feelings.
I have no advice to give but I needed to say that...
*huggles*

[CrazyHayley]

You do indeed have every right to feel the way that you're feeling. Yes there are people out there who have been through more than you have, but its all relative, and for you, at the stage you were in your development, what you went through has had an obvious marked effect on you. I often wonder why people who have been through worse than me seem to deal with it better. My psychologist said that some people are more pre-disposed to sufferring from PTSD etc, and some people are just better at burying things and putting on a brave face but they haven't actually dealth with it.

Sorry, I'm waffling... so yes, you're feelings are valid. I'm not over stuff that happened to me nealry 12years ago. I don't know if I'll ever be 'over' it, but with the help of my psychologist I have been able to live with it this past year. Perhaps you could seek a therapy of some sort?

*huggles*

[Mandimoo]

you were young and if it made you feel that way then whatever your age, it was wrong. if you feel violated... then you have been. mand x

[RenTheActress]

Thanks guys.
Recently, there's been a lot things going on around me, in the news and in everyday life, that's brought the whole thing back to the forefront of my thoughts.

I really needed to hear all of that.
That's why I love RYLers.

*hug*
<3 Ren