Triggering (Suicide) - Worried about earlier today.

RubyRacket · 31-03-2010, 02:02 AM

I'm going to be very honest. After telling my mom about my abuse as a child I was a wreck today. I thought I would feel better but today I felt unlike anything I had felt before. It was terrible depression. Something like it..something I can't explain well. It was a depression unlike any kind I have felt before.

I went to the park. It's a huge park with miles and miles of trails. I brought blades. I was going to kill myself. The thing of it was, I wasn't scared. I was so just...sad. I sat in my car for about 3 hours before I finally left. I'm home now, but I can't say I'm relieved totally. I am in a way, but at the same time...I wonder why didn't I?

It's the first time I've ever actually wanted to do it. On my way home, I pulled over and made an appointment for the mental health center. I just have to get through tomorrow. My appointment is on Thursday. God I hope I can.

RubyRacket · 31-03-2010, 02:34 AM

I thought tonight might be easy to get through but apparently I was wrong. I'm feeling absolutely awful now. I just tried to have a civil discussion with my mom. All she keeps telling me is that she's done. She's done with me she has too much on her mind to deal with me and that I need to go live with my father. Simply that she's done "raising" me, which obviously, yes, she is. I'm 23. Yeah, she's done raising me. NO ****. But it's just always about her. She says she's not going to let me in because I won't let her in. She is too stressed and she is too depressed and whatever. I'm just ranting now. It's just stupid now. I'm so upset. I couldn't SH earlier because she was in the room so I almost broke my computer, but luckily it's ok. Now she's going to bed. I'm worried. That's a lie. I'm not worried because I know exactly what I'm going to do. I just have to wait it out until she's asleep. If she's done with me then I'm done with her. I'm going to do what I need to do to get through tonight. I think I might go try to stay with my best friend and her boyfriend. Not for long. I'd rather live in my car than live here. It's been that way for a while but the problem was the cold. Now it's warming up. We'll see.

Sorry, just needed to vent. I'm going to try and play Warcraft and see if I feel any better. Hope all of you are doing okay today.

Stellata · 31-03-2010, 07:29 AM

Grief, exposure, rejection. It's no wonder you're feeling utterly overwhelmed. Good for you for staying safe.

Sigma · 31-03-2010, 08:56 AM

staying with a friend sounds a good idea, well done for getting through this... telling someone about what happened will bring up all sorts of difficult emotions even if they are supportive, when they respond like your mom it's going to be extra hard. Not everyone will treat you like that, I hope the appointment will help and you can find some support

Merc · 03-04-2010, 11:45 AM

Really hope the appt goes/went well.
you deserve some caring support right now.
xx

RubyRacket · 03-04-2010, 11:54 PM

It went well. But it was just an intake appointment. Nevertheless, I got to talk about everything just so she could see what program I needed to be in. They want to put me in DBT which I'm ok with. The only problem is that now I have a temporary job (it may become permanent) and I can't go to my appointments because I will have to work. They only offer it once every 3 months or something like that and it's at random times during the day. I don't know how working adults even attend. This job...I need it and I can't take days off or leave early for this. Even though I desperately need to. I don't know what I'm supposed to do. I figured they'd at least offer them at a later time or something. There are other programs I can attend but they don't focus directly on SH. I'm not sure. I guess I'll figure it out.

Thank you to all who supported me in this thread. I have been ok since then but today my mood has dropped quite a bit.

If no one minds I would like to just vent for a minute. Hopefully it won't be long.

We're drinking (me, my mom, and a friend of ours). I was ok until the friend came over. Now nothing I have to say is important. They'd rather talk about work **** and I just feel like I'm not important. I understand that my mom just wants to get away and talk about stuff with someone who understands, but every time someone comes over it's like this. So I just drop to the background and go about my way and do my own thing. I'm really triggered right now. I'm going to try and get through it. I'll give myself an hour or so and then try to focus more intently on something else. Ok. I think I'm done. I don't really even know what I was going to say, but what I said is enough, I guess. So thanks for listening!

-Ruby