I don't know what to do.
First of all there's the headache coming in after my depression went away. There was the screaming girl who made my life miserable for two days.
Then there's the nurse, yes, from Lembeke - where I live, who said that his dead mother's voice got into his head and told him to kill old people. He gave five of them an insulin overdose so they died. The fifth woman survived the attack. His name is Kurt Dobbelaere and I already hate his guts. How the hell are people like me supposed to function in a society that has to deal with people like him? Recognising the voice in your head is very difficult since voices are thoughts. Just thoughts. Thoughts which aren't yours, though, but nevertheless. Thoughts. I have a woman's voice in my head who is trying to make my life miserable and she's doing quite well at that.
I slept away the afternoon because of the extreme fatigue and headache. I'm going to bed in about an hour and I'll sleep like a baby again. The headache is a remainder of hearing her scream for two entire days.
I am down to a weight between 143 and 148 lbs now (I used to weigh 170), which is fantastic, but I still feel fat and I still don't want to lose weight. It was such a strange feeling discovering that I actually look good in hipsters now. A part of me wants to eat healthily, and I don't support sugar that well any more, but part of me wants to stay as "fat" as I used to be.
Mum doesn't understand. "Do you still feel as fat as you used to be?" (
) and I was like, yeah, so she said, "Well, you shouldn't." Period. I won't be able to sustain my diet because of the crap food they are giving me here, and if I sustain my diet I'll only lose more weight, which I don't want to.
Anyways. Lately I've been thinking about how much my life has changed and about how bad I've been feeling. It's gotten as bad as "well, I might as well cut open my tendons." (I am afraid to cut in my wrist because due to the anxiety prior to cutting I might cut open the tendons that lie there.) Second thought: "Why shouldn't I put a knife in my stomach or in my head? It'll stop the pain, AND I'll be in hospital so less time to spend with my parents."
The worst part of all this is: which thoughts are mine, which are given to me by some or other voice? Which are thoughts, which are feelings? Sometimes I THINK I should kill myself, but I don't FEEL that way. Other times I FEEL like I should put a knife in my head to shut myself up, but I THINK it's a very bad idea. And all of this is driving me mad.
I told my American pen pal about the silent screams I've been having for a few weeks. Most of the time I got them in the shower. It's like when you open your mouth to scream as loud as you can, and all you can do is stand there like that, and your head does the rest. Nowadays sometimes apparently I don't even have to physically prepare for the scream; my head screams instead of me. This is crap.
And sometimes I'm plain numb and I can't seem to move, think, or cry. Now I feel like I have to cry but I can't. I can move and think though. Sometimes I can't move and I'm like just staring in the distance. At times I can't think straight any more and all I can do is follow my first instinct ("You can't think of the alternative way to your gram's? Then just plough through the dirt, simple as that.")
Tomorrow I am having dinner with a couple of relatives. I wonder what they'll say. I quit school a month ago and I'm not sure if they know yet.
I don't want to actually kill myself though. I just want a different life.
To Chloe and Chrissy: if you read this: I am reading your threads too, but as you can see, I'm not thinking straight so I can't give a lot of advice.
![[Awakening]'s Avatar](image.php?s=44c6ef6262ebb55ab20bf5033a9d12c5&u=17767&dateline=1333971866)
