I feel quite nervous and exposed writing this and I may delete it later. I guess I want to know if anyone feels similar, or any advice.
I have memories, really strong vivid ones, of a time I was in hospital. I've been in different wards quite a few times but it's this one time that lasted around 6 months when I was 17 that has really affected me. Though I started on a 'normal' ward I was moved downstairs to the secure one shortly.
So many memories of the staff and the patients and all the going ons. I can't emphasis how strong they are.
I can't get it out of my head however hard I try. I'm drawn towards re-living it all inside my head. I drag stuff up and think about it, I often cry. I don't hate it though. Horrible, horrible things went on. But it makes me sad I will never ever experience that again. (I am an 'adult' now) And it confuses me about what I really want.
The best way I can describe it is as looking back at a former life and so 'full', but one that everyone dismisses.
I'm not making sense.
I feel like I really need to catch those memories. I can't let them go.
I was alive then. In adult wards recently, there was no life like there was there.
That and this here now are two polar opposites.
The Mole was bewitched, entranced, fascinated. By the side of the river he trotted as one trots, when very small, by the side of a man who holds one spell-bound by exciting stories; and when tired at last, he sat on the bank, while the river still chattered on to him, a babbling procession of the best stories in the world, sent from the heart of the earth to be told at last to the insatiable sea.
Wind in the Willows.
I have times when I feel exactly the same way. I go over and over the memories I have from different admissions, reliving it and desperately wanting to be back there. I even dream about it at night. I get like this particularly when I'm feeling vulnerable and depressed, just wanting to be looked after and so my mind turns to hospital.
Isn’t it funny how day by day nothing changes but when you look back, everything is different…
you once called your brain a hard drive, well say hello to the virus.
me too! when i was in hospital i mainly wanted to get out. since though i have been obsessed with my time on the ward. i re-read old diaries, ask friends and family questions about wht it was like to visit me,etc. a year on i'm beginning to put it behind me - i've started to remember some of the bad and not just all the good. I've tried to think of why i miss the ward so much and it comes down to: no responsibility, being looked after, having feelings validated, company and a general escape from who i normally am. i've rambled but just wanted to say you're not the only one!
There are times that I miss the hospital. I think it's been said exactly true...someone to look after you, no responsibilities, you feel validated, others can relate when you talk to them. It's a safe place.
But then I think about everytime I've come home from the hospital and how everyone treats me then. Like I've screwed up again, or like I'm going to blow at any time. It reinforces to my family that I'm crazy. wish i could just live where all the crazies are.
Mental illness is no different than any other disease. Just as the diabetic did not ask for diabetes, or the leukemic did not ask for cancer; we did not ask for this disease. But we must fight it just as we would fight any other medical diagnosis and accept that it is not our fault that we fell ill. We, too, can survive.
I understand the adult thing. I have turned 18 this year making me too old to go to the unit I used to go to, and I look back with kind of way, like, there were some good memories with the bad. The sense of comradery amongst the patients which doesn't happen in adult wards. Something has been lost. It makes me more resolute to not be put in hospital again.
i thought i was the only one that felt this way. i miss the last hospital i was in :( i wanted to talk about this but didn't know how people would react to it.
I feel exactly the same. I think about my time in hospital more than I should. And now I'm 18 I'll never be able to go to the adolescent unit I was in again, which is horrible because it was always a comfort knowing if I needed to go IP again it would be there (despite how crap it could be).
I've never been on an adult ward but I really really identify with replaying obessively time in an adolescent unit. One thing that I found incredibly helpful was to write the experience out in as much or as little detail as I felt inclined.
'Never forget what you are. The rest of the world will not. Wear it like armor, and it can never be used to hurt you.'
['There is only one thing we say to death. Not today'.']
'We are each our own devil, and we make this world our hell.’ – Oscar Wilde
‘It’s hard to dance with the devil on your back.’ Sydney Carter
i understand i have vivid dreams of when i was put in a secure unit
of the things that where done to me
but sometime i miss being in hospital the support the people
I'm sorry
but I have broken my wings,
I'm not able to fly away
from this pain inside.
R.I.P. Grandad I will love you forever!!!
I do the same thing, I replay my time in hospital constantly and it is difficult because of the longing to be back there- though I know it cannot happen. Like Katy suggested, writing things down about it in detail can help you get it off your chest and ease the burden a little more.
i do the exact same thing.
i dream about it. i think about it.
the bad and the good.
and sometimes i long to be back there.
because i need some semblance of being cared for.
knowing someone is there for me.
believed.
looked after.
safe.
IP isnt an option right now.
so i just replay over and over the memories of the safety i felt.
in a hope that it will transfer into the safety i need now.
we are broken - we are confused - we are scared..
together we survive - together we make it through.. aNnA~eLiZaBeTh
GeMiNi~BaBy
The same thing happened to me, but I'd like to assure you it got easier with time. I also found that journalling my experiences helped, because I started to feel like I could forget them, and if I needed them, they were stored somewhere. I didn't have to relive them.
But I completely understand, I don't think I've ever completely related to a post as much as I do your original post here. You're not alone, and, it gets easier. Writing can help to "catch" the moments, sometimes to ease the pain it can help trying to find what it is you're missing (and a substitute that can bring this, or similar, to you).
Odd thing is I don't want to go back, yet I can't stop thinking about it. The ordinary bits and the horrific bits. Will trying journalling some stuff.
The Mole was bewitched, entranced, fascinated. By the side of the river he trotted as one trots, when very small, by the side of a man who holds one spell-bound by exciting stories; and when tired at last, he sat on the bank, while the river still chattered on to him, a babbling procession of the best stories in the world, sent from the heart of the earth to be told at last to the insatiable sea.
Wind in the Willows.
I know where your coming from 3 years on and i still relive the memorys of being in hospital nearly everyday, it drives me mad i wake up in the middle of the night terrified cos i've been reliving it in my dreams, then sometimes things can trigger me to have flashbacks about it which isnt nice like being back there again. I don't remember any good times there, just all bad all horrible. I would never want to go back there, even though i know it's not an option now cos i'm too old, even that thought doesnt seem to help, guess i've just kinda accepted that im always gonna think about it sometimes. Offers you lots of hugs.
*There is always light at the end of the tunnel, even though we may not be able to see it.*
It got easier for me. But when I first got out my mind lived in the ward and I basically had constant flashbacks night and day for months and months. It was horrific. I completely understand what you're talking about.
Try and ground yourself in the present and think of the things you have on the outside that you didn't have in hospital. Remembering how much I wanted simple things when I was hospital, like being able to get up when I wanted and go to the shop without any fuss.
It will get easier over time, just try and relax. Do you have any current support?
*hugs*
Oh, I also completely understand what you mean about adolescent v adult wards. I was transfered from one to the other without warning because I turned 18 while inpatient and the difference between the two was huge. I'd gone from a very good adolescence to a very bad adult ward. As hard as it is you have to try and accept that there is no way back to the adolescent ward and for me, the horror of the adult ward was enough to make sure I never made inpatient again.
Droplet, I can relate. I get flashbacks and memories from the secure unit and my sections quite a lot. Writing it all down helps though.
PM me if you want a PDF copy of the ICD-10or the Mental Health Act 1983/2007. I ALSO HAVE THE DSM-V BOOK and am a pharmacology student.
I have a visual impairment / neurological problems so I need people to type in clear text and no funny fonts. Also excuse any typos, my vision blocks things out.
I have autism and have problems communicating, PMs included.
Just becasue I type well doesn't mean I speak well. I am only part time verbal.
I've never been in a psych hospital, although its come very close a few times. I've often wished I was in one, and I recall the times I spent in medical hospitals as a result of SH. I'm glad I'm not the only one who wants that kind of freedom. I say freedom because, despite being unable to leave, I think it kind of is. At least, when I was in the medical hospital the staff all knew why I was there so I was watched, but I was free. I didn't need to answer my phone, check emails, do chores...anything. It felt free.
