Triggering (SI) - pshycological warfare

[borntobleed]

i cut most days, and have suicidal thoughts, but rather than cutting i have been litraly making myself crazy not letting suicidal thoughts pass and making things worse, its good in a way because i cut less and everyone thinks i am fine but they dont see the pshycotic thoughts reflected in my eyes, i guess i am getting better at hiding it i know its not propper self harm but i think this may finaly be the way to get through each day because as long as people dont see scars then in there eyes i am fine. i cant cut on my arms anymore because bothe are covered in big beasty scars. i know this post sounds like compleat bullshit but i needed to tell someone whats going on.

i know i dont belong in this forum as i am only 17 but i really needed to tell someone that may be able to understand a little better then putting it on any other forum. im sorry for waisting every ones time. but if you have thank you SO much for reading

[PoisonedApple]

you aren't wasting anyones time by posting.
and we would call you a mini vet since you aren't 18 :)
as for the post itself, i'm sorry but right now i'm not in a very helpful place. but i did read it. might come back and reply properly if the day improves.
*huggles*

[Stellata]

It sounds like there's a battle in your mind, pain, reality, and fear of showing the truth.

Can you tell us some more about how the psychotic thoughts are for you? I understand so much about them being reflected in the eyes - that's where paranoia comes through for me. It's a deep, fearful, restless pain that can struggle to reach out and find connection and translation into love and understanding.

[borntobleed]

wow being a mini vet sounds good, ive found somewhere that wont reject me for being me

thank you bothe so much for replying.

im so glad that someone understands and can relate to the eyes.

as for the pshycotic thoughts, i wind myself up about the abuse i used to suffer and all the friendships ive lost and the friends i make dissapear, and then theres my bpd and pshycosis, which is really hard to deal with, but in a way i like it because i know that i will never be totally alone, at the moment i am having really vivid suicidal fantacies, almost like fisual halusinations, i dont know what to do anymore im so so so scared

[bleedingdragon]

sorry its long take your time to read,




Hi borntobleed,
Like angelic_monster said your not wasting anyones time here, id agree your nearly a vet so its ok to post here.

Its really good that youve been able to express yourself in this post its very brave of you to try and talk about your feelings. Talking about and even admiting you have suicidal feelings is a very difficult thing to do so well done for that.

I can understand you trying to fight your suicidal thoughts as scary as they are ive done it myself many times ,and i can understand you
are trying to supress them bury them . And as you say its making things worse but somehow your not cutting as much. At some stage you need to deal with your suicidal thoughts supressing them for a while works but they will only get stronger unless you can begin to deal with your issues.

Ive been suicidal and still get that way so i understand you, its important to you to want to hide your suicidal feelings and your self harming from others . We all do it put on a face and pretend everythings fine but when it becomes too much and you begin to have suicidal thoughts thats when you need to reach out for support, keep posting and talking about what you need to here , so that others can be here to understand you and accept you and support you.

Its very isolating when you are self harming and having suicidal thoughts you dont know where to turn , you may be afraid that your friends wont understand . Or that your parents wont understand, so having somewhere like RYL is an important place for you right now . I hope you can look at RYLS distractions and find some that work, talking to others here who are going through the same things will help you.

Its really important that you try to contact your Dr to talk to them everything you say is in confidence and its real important that you are able to admit your having suicidal thoughts so the dr can help you . The dr can put you in touch with your local CAMHS child and adolescent mental health services as your still only 17 . Your dr can refer you to the CAMHS team So you could see a counsellor or psychiatrist , if u get a counsellor or psychiatrist they can help you with anti depressants if they think they will help you , you could be suffering depression.

You say what your doing isnt proper self harm, as if its not important enough, please understand it doesnt matter how much or how little self harm your doing , all of it is important and should be dealt with its showing you and others that you have isues and one of your only ways right now of coping with your issues is to cut.

Everyone here uses self harm in one form or other often each day or so many times a week to help them get through the day or week. Its a coping method to help us deal with unbarable emotional or physical pain in our lives. I still self harm to help me get through the day or the week its stopping me from killing myself so thats a massive bonus, i am trying to reduce my self harm, it takes time and im still seing a psychologist regularly i have plenty of issues to deal with.


What you and i are hoping to do is to deal with our issues that make us self harm and then to eventually replace our self harm with other more positive coping methods in time.

Your post isnt bullshit its important to you, and people here do understand and care. Its a brilliant step that youve been able to tell someone here about your suicidal thoughts and your self harm i only hope in time you are able to also tell your dr because you need to get professional help for your suicidal thoughts.

Youve not wasted anyones time here .

Dave

[borntobleed]

dave: thank you so so so much for your reply, i do have a pshyciatrist and i am on medication for pshycosis (300mg of quatiapine and 40mg of flouoxatine for depression) but i dont feel like i can talk to him about anything,
(this may sound a little weard to understand)

i am in a childrens home untill i am 18, they know im a "cronic" selfharmer and they know about my depression and pshycosis. i cut/slash/gouge my arms most days and frequentally need stitches, but since my favorate member of staff was moved because we got "to close" meaning we spent to much time together there was nothing innopropriate going on.

but since shes been gone i have been trying to make her proud by not self harming, it sounds weard but ive just been letting my pshycosis take over so its like mental self harm instead of phisical.

people may not understand my method but im trying so hard not to cut, let alone give in to the suicidal urges. i dont feel like i can talk to any of the other staff here and the one i can depend on i am not aloud to talk to at all.

you guys on RYL are the only people i can talk to. im so glad i can talk openly to you because your all i have

[bleedingdragon]

Your welcome borntobleed,
Im glad you have a psychiatrist and that your currently on medication for psychosis . I can understand that you may not feel like you can talk to your psychiatrist about anything, but its really important that you can tell him how you are feeling he is there to help you, if you dont manage to tell him stuff he wont be able to help you.

Why dont you feel like you can talk to him ? , can you write stuff down and give it to him to read ? .

I hear you about being in a childrens home until your 18, and that they currently know your a chronic self harmer and that your depressed and suffering psychosis. It is really important that you talk to your psychiatrist if your still struggling with stuff. I also understand your still self harming most days, and its good that you had a favourite member of staff.

It must be very difficult for you not to get really close to certain members of staff . Its important that you can get close and trust someone such as a member of staff although there is a difficulty if you do become too close to each other, and i understand that of course there was nothing innapropriate going on. I hope you dont mind me asking but i wonder if its you who get to close to other people or was it the member of staff who allowed themselves to become too close to you.

Im sure since shes been gone youve been trying your best to make her proud of you by you not self harming, try not to put too much pressure on yourself . I hear you about allowing your psychosis to take over often controlling your self harm.

Its really important that if your psychosis is getting stronger and your struggling to control it you really need to find a way to begin talking with your psychiatrist so they can adjust your medication.

You are trying really hard not to cut or to give in to the suicidal urges and thats great , but please understand if you really struggle you should talk with your psychiatrist they are there to help you and im sure they will do everything they can if you let them know.


If you dont think you can talk to any member of staff then please talk to who ever is in charge of the staff and explain your concerns to them, so that they can work something out for you. It is important that you are able to approach a member of staff to talk to when you need to thats not fair that the one member of staff you can depend on your not allowed to talk to why is this .

Im glad that at the moment while you feel you cant talk to anyone else you can talk to us here in RYL please keep doing that. But please understand that there is only so much we can do to help you here such as give you a safe place to be, to accept you, and support you . I hope that you can in time talk to members of staff where you are and to your psychiatrist so things can get better for you.

Dave