This is technically (well, it is) a fan fic, but I thought I would post it on here anyway. It's EastEnders, but you don't have to watch it to read. The plot line and words are all my own, just obviously not the characters. Does contain rape and self harm, but not at first, just a warning.
Christmas Eve brought with it a flurry of snow that covered the entire street in a thick, white blanket. Everyone had thought it to be nothing short of a miracle when the snow began to fall, never had they had a white Christmas at Walford. One person who wasn't enjoying the snow however, was Ronnie. She sat by herself in the closed Queen Vic, drinking yet another glass of vodka.
Christmas just seemed so pointless. It was a time for loved ones, and what good was that when they all left you? Jack was past tense, Ronnie loved Jack, but he couldn't give her what she wanted most in the world. He had used the one thing he knew was her weakness against her. His words still rung in he ears, "You are just like Archie". She had begged him to take those words back, because she couldn't be like the man she despised so much, she just couldn't be.
Then there was Danielle. Her beautiful baby daughter, who had been so cruelly snatched from her before they had had a chance to even be the mother and daughter they were always meant to be. Still, Ronnie did not know how she got through those weeks after she died. It was like living in Hell. Her last words to Danielle haunted her; she had been so cruel to her daughter. Her Amy.
The rest of her family, Peggy, Roxy, Phil, Ben and baby Amy were all away in different places, enjoying the Christmas season. Ronnie had lied and told them she was spending it with Jack, she wanted to be alone and knew if she admitted she had no where to go, Roxy would stay.
Ronnie jumped as the door to the Vic swung open. "We're closed" she called over her shoulder, automatically.
"I know" said a familiar voice from behind her, "I just didn't think you should be alone at Christmas." She turned to face her ex fiancé, her head spinning from the vodka.
"What if I want to be alone?" she argued, how did he know she was here anyway? She hadn't told anyone she was spending the night alone.
"Well I don't and have no one else to hang out with, so you're stuck with me." Ronnie resisted the temptation to laugh.
"Get lost Jack" she said, coldly. Jack pretended to be hurt,
"hey, what did I ever do to you?" he said, indignantly.
"How about slept with my sister and knocked her up" Ronnie retorted. Jack pretended not to notice her tone,
"well there is that" he said, cheerfully, "but that's in the past now. This is now."
"Great to know how quickly you forget about your kids. If this is the way you are with Amy I'm glad we never had the chance to start a family." Jack stopped smiling,
"I came back you know", he said quietly, "I changed my mind, I wanted a family with you, but when I came to tell you that, you had gone." Ronnie was taken aback at this revelation, she always though Jack never wanted children with her, she though now he had one with her sister, he didn't need any more.
"Well I'm sorry if I don't wait around for you to decide what you want out of your life"
"Ron, it had been about an hour"
"I was upset Jack, I thought you would never want a family with me. After you stormed out, I thought you didn't want me." Her voice broke at the end of the sentence, she didn't know if this was due to the alcohol, or the tears that were gathering in her eyes, threatening to spill.
"I always wanted you Ronnie" Jack said softly.
"Even though I'm just like Archie?" she whispered,
"I didn't mean that" said Jack, "you have to realise I didn't mean that." Ronnie raised her eyebrows,
"do I?" she muttered.
She reached for the bottle again, but Jack took her hand and pulled it away. "I think you've had enough of that," he said. Ronnie glared at him.
"You're not my dad" she snapped,
"It wouldn't make a difference if I was, Archie isn't exactly father of the year" he retorted. Ronnie burst out laughing.
"Oh yeah, didn't you know? I nominated him." Jack laughed too
"Is there even such thing as a father of the year award?" he questioned.
Ronnie shrugged,
"How should I know. I can't talk anyway, I'm not winning any mother of the year awards any time soon either." Jack started at her for a moment.
"It wasn't your fault Ron, what happened to Danielle." Ronnie winced; she couldn't stand it when her daughter's name was mentioned by anyone other than her. She raised her eyebrows.
"No?" She said, "then whose fault was it?"
Jack drew a breath. He knew Ronnie blamed herself for Danielle's death, but didn't know how to convince her otherwise.
"It was no one's fault, it was an accident. If you're going to blame anyone, blame Janine and Archie."
"But she was my daughter Jack. I couldn't even see she was my baby. All mothers should recognize their own daughter. I didn't even believe her when she told me." Tears were welling in Ronnie's eyes again, but she
refused to let them spill.
"How could you know? You thought your daughter was dead, thanks to your dad." Jack tried to comfort her, but knew it would take far more than these words to heal her.
"But what about all those things I said? Right before she died I said I wouldn't want a pathetic freak like her for a daughter."
"She knows you didn't mean that. You were angry; you had every right to be. The way you saw it, this girl came into your life and pretended she was your dead daughter. Anyone would have been mad."
"I knew Jack. Right from when she said about the locket, I knew it was my Amy, but I didn't want to believe it. Accepting it would mean accepting dad had lied to me all my life. Accepting it would mean accepting I helped abort my own grandchild." Jack said nothing, just pulled her into a hug.
"You were with her when she died," he whispered into her ear, "you told her you knew she was you daughter as you held her in your arms, that's what really matters."
Ronnie pulled away from the hug and leant in to kiss Jack, who pulled away.
"Not now Ron, not when you're like this."
"I'm not that drunk," Ronnie argued, "just a little tipsy."
"Really? What's your name, age and father's name?" Ronnie frowned.
"Ron-no, Veronica Mitchell, 36 and the biggest bastard you ever will
meet." Jack laughed.
"Good enough for me" he said, leaning towards Ronnie and kissing her on the lips. She wrapped her arms around his neck and returned the kiss. Suddenly, everything came back to Ronnie. Every sweet thing Jack had ever done for her. Every time he had taken her out, every time he had cheered her up, every time he looked after her when she had a little too much to drink, every time he comforted her when she cried. She remembered all this, and nothing else mattered. Not that he had slept and had a baby with her sister, not that he had said she was just like her father, not that he had called her crazy and left her, alone. All that mattered was he was there then, in the moment she needed someone to care. He always had been.
Comments appreciated, even though that wasn't that interesting unless you watch EE, but not to worry, things hot up.
That night was the first night for Ronnie since Danielle's death that she hadn't dreamed of her daughter. Over the months, she had grown used to the recurring nightmare where she was walking down her own street when she saw her daughter. At first, she never believed it was really Danielle, after all, she thought she saw her all the time, this must just be another mistake. Then her daughter would call out to her "mum". Ronnie would stare at her for a few moments and then run to Danielle.
But instead of hugging her and telling her she loved her and would never hurt or leave her again, Ronnie would find herself screaming at Danielle. She told her she was no daughter of hers, that she couldn't stand the sight of her and was so glad the day she died. All of this would come pouring out of her mouth and she would be forced to watch her baby's face as she took in the words her mother was shouting so cruelly at her. Then a car would come screeching round the corner and hit her daughter, throwing her a few feet away where she landed, dead. Ronnie would just stand and star at the scene in front of her until the driver climbed out of the car.
It was her father.
"You got your wish Veronica," he taunted, "you wished your baby dead." The Ronnie would wake, screaming and crying out for her Amy…
The nightmare would always cause Ronnie to start awake at 3.47 every morning. The same time Danielle died. This morning however, she was woken much later by someone's lips on hers. She opened her eyes to see Jack bent over her. He smiled when Ronnie's eyes flicked open.
"Morning" he murmured. Ronnie smiled back, one of the rare genuine smiles she gave since her Amy had been taken from her all those years ago.
"Well that's certainly a much more interesting method than an alarm clock."
"Do you prefer it?" asked Jack, still smiling.
"I don't know," Ronnie teased, "you will have to do it again so I can check." Jack kissed her once again and Ronnie lost herself in his embrace.
When she was with him, she felt different. Not happy exactly, but complete. As if the hole in her heart was slowly healing. She knew he could never fill the gap that Danielle left, but he could fill the other parts, mend the rest of the broken bits.
Suddenly, Ronnie pulled away, remembering the date. "Merry Christmas Jack" she smiled. Jack gave her a quick peck on the lips,
"Merry Christmas Ron."
There was a knock at the door. "Oi you, lazy! Get up it's Christmas" came Roxy's voice from the other side of the door.
"****" whispered Ronnie she didn't want her sister to find Jack there, not yet. She hadn't even got her own head around the fact that her and Jack were back together, she couldn't face telling anyone else just yet.
"I'm coming, keep your hair on!" she yelled back to her Roxy. In the next second she shrieked with laughter as Jack began to tickle her, she tried to slap his hands away, not wanting her sister to come and see what was going on, but it was too late.
"Ron? What's going-" the door swung open and Roxy paused mid sentence. She stared at the scene in front of her. She gaped at Jack, who was lying next to Ronnie, his hands still on her neck.
"I-I'll tell them you'll be down in a minute" she stammered, before turning and sweeping out of the room, closing the door firmly behind her.
Jack waited until Roxy was out of earshot before sniggering with laughter. Ronnie slapped him hard on the arm.
"What'd you do that for!" she snapped, "why not?" asked Jack, innocently, still laughing.
"Because I didn't want her to know, not yet. I haven't even sorted this out in my own head, let alone thought about telling other people."
"Well at least she knows now, and you didn't have to tell her, she walked in on us. Anyway, it's really none of her business what we get up to in the bedroom."
"You're the father of her baby Jack."
"So? That doesn't make it up to her who I date, me and Roxy, that was a one night stand, a mistake." Ronnie raised her eyebrows.
"Your daughter was a mistake?"
"No!" Jack protested, "that's not what I meant. It was a mistake because it cost me you. If the whole thing with Roxy had never happened, I could have had you back months ago."
"Could you now? What makes you think I would be so easy to win over?" Jack grinned,
"Oh, my wit, charm and gorgeous good looks?" he teased, "admit it, you
can't resist me."
"Oh can't I?" challenged Ronnie, Jack leant in to kiss her, but she pulled away.
"Resistance is futile, I will have you for my own. There's no point trying to escape." Laughing, Ronnie backed away and ran to the other side of the room.
"Don't try to run, I will always find you!" Jack charged towards her and grabbed her round the waist, tacking her to the floor. She shrieked with laughter and tried to shove him off. Jack seized her wrists and pinned her arms to the floor and once again leant in for a kiss. Ronnie gave up, he was right she couldn't resist him.
"Ronnie! We're all waiting for ya down 'ere, hurry up will ya!" Peggy's voice floated to them from downstairs, breaking the moment. Ronnie pulled away
and sighed.
"We'd better get dressed and go downstairs" she said, sounding disappointed.
"We?" Jack picked up on her use of plural.
"Well you can come with me or sit up here all day. You're gonna have to face them all to get out of here."
"So are we gonna tell them all about us?" he questioned.
"Who says there's an 'us'?" Ronnie teased, she saw Jack's face fall.
"I'm joking idiot, of course there's an us" Jack couldn't help smiling,
"Well I guess that got me back for Roxy" he reasoned. Ronnie giggled.
"Did you see her face? I though she was going to explode." Relived that he was forgiven, Jack laughed too,
"She looked as if she had just walked in on Peggy and your dad." Ronnie cringed,
"Please, Jack, that's not an image I want thanks." She sighed, "well I suppose we better go downstairs and face the others." Jack sighed too,
"I wish we didn't" he said "I wish it could be just us."
"Oh c'mon, my family aren't that bad. Very dysfunctional, totally off the rails and there's always some drama going on. Someone's always slept with someone else's partner or Phil's drinking again…ok, so we are that bad, but your usually the person in the centre of all the dramas."
"You have a point there" Jack agreed, "Ok, I'll brave the Mitchells, if they kill me though, it's your fault."
"I'll bare that in mind," laughed Ronnie, kissing Jack once again.
Chapter 3
Ronnie descended down the stairs of the pub, Jack in tow. She was slightly worried about what her family would say about their new found relationship. They all knew about their history, and Jack being Amy's father. She knew they didn't approve of Ronnie and Jack's relationship the first time, but that was because they were concerned for her, because they thought he would hurt her. It had turned out that he did hurt her, just like he had the first time round, but he couldn't be all to blame. It had been Ronnie's fault too for putting the holes in the condoms, for leaving.
When she left that night, she fully believed Jack no longer wanted her. She thought he had run away and would be back only to collect his things. After all, everyone hated Archie and Jack said she was just like him. Why would be want to be with her if she was so much like the man everyone despised? So she had left him before he had the chance to once again tear her heart to shreds.
"Oh Ronnie, Merry Chr-" Peggy stopped when she saw Jack. "What's he doing here?" she asked her niece, as if Jack wasn't standing right in front of her. Ronnie sighed.
"He stayed last night, I asked him to stay today." She mentally prepared herself for the storm, but to her surprise, Peggy smiled and said,
"Well it would have been nice to be told, but it's Christmas, the more the merrier," Ronnie stared at her, then shook her head, deciding not to complain about her aunt's lack of anger.
The rest of the family seemed to have reacted well to Jack's presence, with the exception of Phil, who seemed sure that Jack would end up hurting his cousin again, and threatened him with an 'I'll get you' if his prediction came true. But after that, he was perfectly friendly, or as friendly as Phil got. However, Roxy seemed to hate the entire idea. She didn't say anything directly about it through the course of the day, but she acted very coldly towards both her sister and Jack. At Christmas dinner, she hardly spoke to either of them. Ronnie decided she didn't care. She had Jack and was determined to have a good Christmas, if Roxy was just going to act like a jealous cow, let her.
Apart from Roxy's odd behaviour, amazingly, the Mitchells managed to have a pretty good Christmas. Ronnie was almost glowing with happiness, especially when around Jack. The rest of the family were thrilled to see her so happy for once, it was a long time since they had seen her laugh like she did that day, this just seemed to infuriate Roxy even further, as if she thought it a terrible crime against her for her sister to be so happy with the father of her baby. "It wasn't as if her and Jack even had a relationship," thought Ronnie, "it was just a one off, Jack would prefer it to never have happened if it wasn't for his daughter."
After lunch, when everyone was too stuffed to do anything more than flop in front of the the television and watch whatever cheesy movie that happened to be on, which turned out to be Titanic.
"Well that was brimming with Christmas cheer," said Jack, sarcastically once the film had ended and Peggy and Roxy were both in tears. Ronnie, who had spent the entire duration of the movie nestled into Jack, was as usual refusing to show any emotion.
"I wish they had picked a different name for the main character," she said, suddenly.
"What's wrong with Rose?" asked Jack.
"Nothing, it's Jack I have a problem with. It gave me depressing thoughts, especially at the end," Jack laughed at her.
"Well as long as we don't go on any huge ships to America any time soon, we should be OK." Ronnie laughed too.
"What about boats to Ireland? Are we OK with them?"
"I dunno, I guess we will have to test it, if it crashes and I die, then no, it wasn't safe."
"How about we just go with our gut instinct?" Jack grinned at her.
"Where's the fun in life without a few risks?" he said.
When the day finally drew to a close, everyone was surprised by their disappointment. They had been expecting a Christmas where Phil got way to drunk as usual, Peggy shouted at him about responsibility, Roxy and Ronnie got into a stupid fight about what to watch on television that escalated into a full blown row, and then Ben to shout at everyone for not just being able to have a normal family Christmas. Christmas usually ended with everyone feeling guilty and angry and with no one speaking to anyone else. Today however, everyone went up to bed smiling, and Jack told Ronnie that as much as he wanted to stay, he had better go home, to at least change.
"Come back when you're done?" Ronnie requested.
"Why not?" Jack grinned, "it's Christmas, no one should be alone." With the promise of spending another night with Jack, Ronnie couldn't stop smiling as she went into her bedroom and began to undress, before she had the chance to do any more than remove her shoes however, the door was flung open and Roxy strode into the room, looking murderous.
"Excuse me!" snapped Ronnie, "do you think you could at least knock? I was about to get changed!" Roxy ignored her sister's protests and came further into the room.
"What the hell are you playing at Ron?!" she growled, angrily.
"What do you mean?" asked Ronnie, she knew what her sister was referring to, but wasn't going to play along. She knew she had done
nothing wrong.
"You and Jack, you know that only ever ends in tears. God, when are you ever going to learn?" Ronnie's own anger immediately flared up.
"You know what Rox? It's none of your business, I can do what, or who, I like!"
"Oh yeah? When are you gonna see that you can't trust him? You had no problem cutting off all ties with Dad when he did wrong, so why do you always go running back to Jack whenever he clicks his fingers?!"
"Don't you dare sit there and judge me! What Dad did was far worse than any thing Jack has ever done, that man has ruined my life, he is pure evil!"
"Really? Have you ever thought Ron that maybe it isn't all his fault? Have you ever thought that maybe he didn't cause Danielle's death? That maybe you did?"
Ronnie froze, the words she was going to shout back at her sister faltered and died on her lips. She couldn't remember her sister ever saying anything so hurtful, she hadn't just taken a knife and stabbed her, she had twisted it several times for extra hurt and then pulled it back out again.
"Ron," Ronnie heard her sister's voice, all the anger had evaporated out of it, instead of sounding harsh and angry, it was now soft and full of regret.
"I'm so sorry, I didn't mean that."
"Just get out," Ronnie said. She didn't shout or even sound angry, but there was something in her voice which made Roxy know there was no point in saying anything more. Her sister turned and left, the ignored apology still hanging in the air.
"Everyday," Ronnie whispered to the place where her sister had stood just seconds ago.
Ronnie was still sat in that same position at the end of her bed, staring at the floor when Jack walked in half an hour later. He was changed and had a small bag with him. Ronnie couldn't help but smile slightly at this, it was as if they were at a year 6 sleepover rather than a couple. Jack knew instantly that there was something wrong. After years of an on off relationship with her, he knew that the way she held her body, still and stiff, and the far away look in her eyes meant that in his absence, something had happened.
"Ron?" he said, concerned, "what's the matter?" She blinked and looked up at him, as if she had only just realised her was there.
"Nothing, just an argument with Roxy. Nothing new," she brushed away his worries. Jack could tell this wasn't all, that there was more to it than that, but he didn't push the matter. He knew Ronnie well enough to know that she wouldn't tell him something unless she wanted to. All he could do was try and comfort her as much as possible without knowing what is was that had upset her.
Jack went and sat down next to her on the bed. He put an arm around her waist and kissed her, lightly.
"I love you" he whispered. She kissed him back,
"I know," was all she said in reply.
Not even Jack could keep the dreams away twice in a row, Ronnie had the same haunting nightmare that she had grown so used to, only this time it was worse. When the car hit her daughter, she looked into the window at the driver, and saw it wasn't here dad, it wasn't even Janine.
It was her.
She let out a wail like a wounded animal and sunk to her knees, screaming,
"I killed her, I killed my baby."
Ronnie woke with a start, tears streaming down her face, she buried her head in her knees and continued to sob, quietly, so not to wake Jack. She didn't realise that Jack was already awake, he saw her curl into a ball, and knew she was crying. He didn't sat a word, just wrapped his arms around her and pulled her close to him, holding her while she cried. When he sobs
finally subsided, Jack wiped away her tears.
"What is it?" he murmured, he didn't want to force her to tell him, but to try and coax it out of her without starting an argument.
"I had a dream," she muttered, "it's nothing really, I've had the same dream hundreds of times before, it was just different this time. Worse."
"How was it worse?" asked Jack, gently.
"I was driving the car, usually it's dad, but this time it was me." Jack didn't have to ask what she was talking about, he knew in an instant. He stroked Ronnie's hair.
"You know it wasn't your fault," he tried to convince her. Ronnie stayed silent, not wanting to say what was on her mind.
"The dream, was it anything to do with the argument with Roxy earlier?" Jack questioned. Ronnie nodded in the darkness, then remembered Jack couldn't see her and said "yes," quietly. Instead of asking her, Jack simply waited for her to explain, knowing she only would if she wanted to, and there was no forcing her to tell him anything.
"She said it was my fault, that I caused Danielle's death, not dad," she whispered after a while, her voice breaking. Jack drew a sharp breath.
"She didn't mean it," he said, he was sure that Roxy really hadn't meant what she said, the pair were always fighting, saying things they didn't mean. But all the same, he was equally sure that what Roxy had said had cut right into Ronnie, opening old wounds and creating fresh ones.
"Maybe she didn't, but she must have thought about it before, even if she never said it. Things like that don't just come out of no where."
"Even if she has had that thought before, that doesn't make it true. Danielle's death was an accident, a terrible accident that no one can be purely blamed for. Everyone had a part in it, your dad mainly for lying to you, telling you she was dead and then not telling you when she came back, looking for her mother. It's also Janine's fault for speeding in her car that day, if she had been going slower, Danielle may not have died. There are so many things that if done differently, may have made all the difference, but also, Danielle may still have died whatever happened, something else may have killed her. We will never really know and you can't blame yourself for things that were beyond your control."
This was the most Ronnie had ever heard Jack say at one time, and surprisingly, it comforted her. At least for that moment, whilst lying in Jack's arms, she believed that maybe her daughter's death wasn't her fault. She knew this feeling wouldn't last, and in the morning, when the moment had passed, she would go back to believing she had caused the death of the daughter she never got the chance to be a mother to, but just for those few moments, Ronnie found a peace of mind that she hadn't had since her dad had forced her to give her baby up all those years ago.
Ronnie awoke the next morning, having fallen into a peaceful sleep, still in Jack's embrace. She blinked a few times, trying to get used to the light before turning onto her side and glancing at the clock.
8.15
Ronnie couldn't remember the last time she had managed to sleep that late, it was a miracle if she slept past 6.00 lately. She turned back to Jack, just as his eyes opened and he too was awake. Neither of them mentioned what had happened in the night, there was no need to.
"I should go back home," said Jack, when they were both up and dressed,
"I'm sure your family don't want me here much longer and you need to sort things out with Roxy, you can't do that if I'm here," he reasoned.
"I don't want to talk to her," said Ronnie, shortly.
"I know you don't, but she's your sister and you two have arguments all the time, you will work this out."
"Never like this, she's never said anything like that to me before, we've fought, but it's only ever been petty arguments that everyone forgets about within five minutes. Except that one time. This is different Jack, she used the one thing, the one thing that she knows goes through my mind
everyday against me."
"I know, but that doesn't make her any less your sister," Jack said. Ronnie looked him straight in the eye.
Once Jack had gone, after trying in vain to make Ronnie see Roxy's side of things, Ronnie trailed down the stairs to make a cup of coffee. She felt unusually tired, even though she was used to sleepless nights, the previous seemed to have effected her more than usual. Ronnie knew that Jack was right, Roxy was her sister, and they had always been so close, nothing could come between them; but she wasn't ready to talk to her sister, and Jack taking Roxy's side had hurt a little. He didn't seem to understand that this wasn't just another Roxy/Ronnie argument, there was more to it than that. This time, things had gone too far, there was no going back. Ronnie meant what she had told Jack, she knew Roxy wasn't any less related to her, but it was as if part of the bond that held them together had been destroyed, in time, she knew she would forgive Roxy, and things would go back to normal on the surface. But underneath it all, Ronnie would never forget those words, she would always know what her sister really thought, who she really blamed for Danielle's death.
Ronnie stood in the kitchen, waiting for the kettle to finish boiling, she stared at the steam rising up into the air. She put her hand into it and felt the warmth on her hand. She heard the floor creak behind her and jumped violently. The action caused her to jerk her hand, which hit the burning hot kettle. "****!" she cried, as pain shot through her hand, Ronnie spun round to see who had caused her to start.
"Jesus don't do that!" she snapped at her sister.
"I'm sorry," Roxy replied, Ronnie didn't know if she was talking about causing her to burn herself, or their argument. She didn't say anything, and instead turned back to the now boiled kettle and started to make her coffee.
"Ron, I didn't mean what I said," now Ronnie knew what her sister was talking about, but didn't want to acknowledge that.
"Coffee?" Ronnie asked her sister, ignoring what she said. Roxy sighed, getting her sister to listen when she didn't want to was just about the hardest task in the entire world.
"Please listen to me, I'm sorry, I was angry. I didn't mean to say what I did, it just came out. I really am sorry." Finally, Ronnie turned to Roxy.
"Look Rox, I don't even want to talk to you right now, not because I can't even bare to be in the same room, but because I know if I stay here too long, I will say something I will regret."
"Then do!" Roxy argued, "then we will be even."
"I don't want to hurt you," said Ronnie, and without another word, she left the kitchen without even finishing her coffee and left Roxy feeling, if possible, even worse than she had done the previous night.
Half an hour later, Ronnie knocked on the door to Jack's flat. The Vic had been sufforcating her, being there with the place full of customers and her family flapping around was too much. She had had to get out, escape from it all, and of course her mind had instantly flown to Jack.
"Ron," he said, surprised, "what are you doing here?"
"That's nice, I love you too!" Ronnie replied, huffily.
"I'm just surprised you're here, any particular reason?" Jack asked.
"Yes, I couldn't stay in the pub." Jack opened the door wider, inviting her inside.
"Why couldn't you stay?" questioned Jack once Ronnie was inside.
"Just...my family, they do my head in. They creep around me as if they are scared of doing the wrong thing, that's why what Roxy said last night was such a shock. None of them will leave me alone, just let me be. Ever since..." her voice trailed off.
"It's only because they care about you," said Jack.
"So they say, but do they really? How many of them would be there right to the end?"
"I would," Jack said, shortly. "What is it with you Ron? Why do you insist on pushing everyone away? Why don't you let anyone in?" Ronnie turned to him, slowly.
"Because if you let someone in, they can tear you apart from the inside. It stands to reason that if there's no one there, then no one can hurt you."
Jack stared at her. "What?" said Ronnie.
"That's just..."
"Just what?" Jack shook his head, unable to put into words his thoughts on his lover's feelings. He always knew Ronnie had trust issues, but somthing more had happened to her. There had to be a turning point, something that made her like she was. At some point in Ronnie's life, someone had clearly hurt her so much, that she felt she could let no one in again. Jack knew about her father, and how he had robbed her of the chance to know her daughter, but something told him there was more to it than that.
"Isn't there anyone that's worth the risk?"
"Yes, but the only trouble is, those that are worth it are the ones that don't only have the power to hurt you, but to completely destroy you." Jack sat down beside her and put his hands to her face.
"Look at me," he said, quietly. Ronnie lifted her eyes, slowly to meet Jack's.
"I will never hurt you," he reassured her, after a moment's thought, he added, "again."
Ronnie couldn't help but laugh."You really know how to kill the moment," she said.
"The moment wasn't completely dead until you laughed."
"You're not supposed to point out that you already have you know, even I wasn't going to do that."
"Yeah well I'm not used to 'moments'. Anyway, now the moment's well and truly dead, shall we have a drink?" Ronnie pulled a face and shook her
head.
"Bit early for that don't you think?" Jack shrugged.
"And? It's Christmas, lighten up." Ronnie raised an eyebrow,
"are you calling me boring?" Jack laughed.
"How could I ever call a Mitchell boring? You lot have more dramas than I have hot dinners."
"That's why you love us," Ronnie grinned.
"There are lots of reasons why I love you," Jack corrected her. "This being one of them." He leant forwards and kissed her, Ronnie wrapped her arms around his neck and kissed him back, they sank into the sofa, thinking of nothing but the other.
Eventually, Ronnie knew she would have to return to the Vic, it was getting dark and she and she had brought nothing with her. She kissed Jack goodbye before she left, and he promised he would be in the Vic the next day to see her. After one last kiss, Ronnie began the short walk back to the Vic.
She began to shiver as she walked, and wished she had thought to bring a coat. Ronnie looked around and realised there was almost no one else on the street, she was so used to it being crowded. "People are probably just all together and staying in, as it's Christmas," she thought to herself. She shivered again, but this time not just from the cold. Ronnie quickened her pace, wanting to get home as soon as possible, just hours ago she had been so desperate to get out of there, but now she couldn't wait to get back. She couldn't explain it, not even to herself, she just had a horrible sense of foreboding*. As her terror grew, Ronnie found she was almost running back to the pub. Then her foot caught in a drain and she tripped, landing hard on her hands and knees.
A hand suddenly covered her mouth from behind, Ronnie tried to scream, but found she could hardly breath. Whoever it was that grabbed her hauled her to her feet and began to drag her away, their hand still over her mouth, preventing her from making a sound or crying out for help. Tears streamed down her face as she was bundled into a dark alleyway, she didn't recognise the surroundings, her mind was taken over by fear and horror, she probably couldn't have screamed, even if someone wasn't covering her mouth. Terror filled every inch of her brain, fogging it so she could think of nothing beyond what was happening to her right that very moment.
Ronnie felt herself being slammed against the wall of the alley, the hand came away from her mouth, but before she had time to scream, it was replaced by something much more terrifying.
Whoever it was who had taken her ran the blade gently over her lips.
"Sshh," a voice whispered, "don't scream, don't make a sound." The voice belonged to a man, it wasn't one she recognized. The knife left her lips and travelled slowly down to her throat. Ronnie's tears fell faster, what was this man going to do to her? Was she ever going to see Jack or her family again? "Oh God, Roxy," she thought to herself, "what if this man kills me and we never made it up? What if I never get to tell her I forgive her?" As if the man knew what she was thinking, he said,
"Don't worry, as long as you co-operate, I won't kill you, as long as you don't make a sound."
Petrified and rigged with fear, Ronnie didn't move as the man thrust his lips onto hers, this was nothing like now Jack kissed her. Jack was gentle, his kisses were full of love and passion, this was rough and full of a repulsive lust. "Help me Jack, please help me," she whimpered inside her own head as the man pressed his body closer to hers and the nightmare continued.
Ronnie didn't know how much time passed in that alleyway. She wasn't there, not in her mind. Her body was, and she could see what was happening to it, but could feel nothing. Nothing was real, her whole body was numbed with horror and agony. All the time this horror continued, only one thought passed through her head, why wasn't Jack coming to help?
When it was over, the man let go of her, and with nothing to support her, Ronnie sunk to the floor.
"Enjoy that sugar?" he leered, "I know who you are and I know where you live, if you ever tell anyone about what just happened, I will kill you, understand?" Ronnie said nothing, she didn't think she was capable of speech even if she had any desire to talk to this monster. The man bent down and grabbed her neck, his fingers squeezing tightly.
"This it,"thought Ronnie, "he's going to kill me now and this will all be over."
"I said, do you understand he growled, his face just inches from hers. Despite their closeness, Ronnie could make nothing out, his face was hidden by the darkness and shadows.
"Yes," she whispered, her voice full of fear and pain.
"Good," the man purred, and let go of her neck. Ronnie gasped, trying to take in oxygen, she had been so sure he was going to kill her. Why had he not just done that and ended this agony? With one last glance down at her, the man turned and hurried away, and was soon swallowed up by the darkness.
Long after he had gone, Ronnie still sat in the dark alley, to scared to move. She was shaking uncontrollably, but found she couldn't cry, she was too numb. She didn't know what had just happened, just hours ago she had been so happy. It was hard to believe that the day before, she was laughing with her family, so pleased to be back with Jack. They had sat together on the sofa, and watched the Titanic, ignoring her sister's icy glare. Now, just as quickly as that happiness had come, it had been shattered. How could she ever look Jack in the eye again?
Ronnie finally stumbled into the Vic, hours later. She had been sat in the alley so long, the dawn was beginning to show and the sun would soon be rising to symbolize a new day, but Ronnie knew nothing would ever be the same again. To her surprise, she saw Roxy was still awake and sitting at a table in the pub. She looked up as Ronnie walked in, then leapt up and flung her arms around her sister. Horrified at the physical contact, Ronnie recoiled from her. Roxy blinked, but made no comment,
"I thought you weren't coming back," she stated, "I thought you hated me so much you had decided to move out." Ronnie said nothing, she had left he voice back at that place, that monster had taken it from her.
Roxy stared at her sister, finally clocking that something was really wrong.
"Ronnie, what's the matter?" she asked, panicked. Ronnie shook her head, still unable to speak. Roxy grabbed her sister's shoulders, "tell me," she pleaded. Ronnie couldn't stand their closeness, she couldn't bare to feel another human's flesh against her own.
"Don't touch me," she finally managed to say, her voice no more than a empty, hoarse whisper. Roxy let go of her shoulders, as if they had burned her.
"What happened Ron?" she demanded.
"Nothing," whispered Ronnie, "I'm just tired. I'm going to bed." Without another word, Ronnie walked away, and left her sister wondering whether she had been telling the truth, or if there was something seriously wrong.
Ronnie didn't even try to sleep for the remainder of that night. She knew every time she closed her eyes, she would see part of a face, hidden in darkness and feel his breath on her face. Instead she lay on her bed and stared at the ceiling. No one could know, not even Jack. If anyone found out, not only would that man kill her, but people would look at her. She would be that poor girl who was attacked. That's if they believed her. Most people would decide that it was just another Mitchell stunt, even her own family would have their doubts, even if they wouldn't voice them. They would all pretend to believe her, them and Jack, but under the surface they would always be wondering, doubting her. It wasn't even her own life she was afraid for, let the bastard kill her if he had to, but she couldn't risk anyone coming near her family. She couldn't risk Roxy or Amy.
None of them. She wasn't worth it.
When the sun finally rose, Ronnie opened her eyes, slowly and realised she must have fallen asleep after all. She looked at her bedside clock and saw it was still quiet early, 7.34. Too early for customers, but late enough to get up. Roboticly, Ronnie rolled out of bed and saw she was still wearing the same clothes. The clothes she was wearing when it happened. Frantically, she began to tear them away from her body, she didn't want them touching her for a second longer. When she had removed every particle of clothing, she raced to the bathroom and turned on the shower, she then leapt under the downpour of water, not caring that it was ice cold. She scrubbed her body with the bar of soap, she couldn't bring herself to touch her bare skin. Ronnie only stopped when she realised that no matter how hard she scrubbed, she was never going to feel clean again.
An hour later, once she was dressed, Ronnie crept down the stairs, not wanting to bump into anyone and have to make small talk. She knew she had to pull it together, if she didn't want anyone to know, she was going to have to act like nothing had happened. Carry on living as though she actually wanted to, carry on breathing as if it didn't hurt. As she stepped behind the bar, knowing that taking her place in the pub was the first thing she had to do towards acting normal, she felt a jolt of pain in her stomach, which caused her to gasp and wrap an arm around her middle. As quickly as the pain had come, it passed, and Ronnie was relieved to see that no one had noticed.
As it was only just 9.00 o'clock, there were hardly any customers yet in the pub, those that were there were just using it as a meeting point, no one was ordering any drinks. Ronnie wondered why she was still standing there, when right on cue a voice said,
"I''ll have a pint." Ronnie looked up to see Jack staring back at her, grinning. She tried to smile at him, but found the muscles in her face wouldn't work.
"Hey Jack," she whispered instead.
"So, how's my favourite Mitchell this morning?" he questioned, still smiling.
"What about your daughter? Isn't she your favourite?" said Ronnie, refusing to play along. Jack considered this,
"Amy's only my daughter when it suits your sister," he said bitterly.
Ronnie wrapped her arms around her waist and breathed deeply. God, this was hard. If it was this bad trying to be normal around Jack for just five minutes, how was she going to act normal around her family and strangers for the rest of her life? Maybe it wouldn't always be like this, maybe someday, she would feel like a person again.
Just then, Ronnie felt another pain shot through her stomach, she was careful not to react, knowing Jack would ask her what was wrong, she didn't want to have to lie to him any more than necessary.
"Roxy does want you to be a father to Amy, she just doesn't want her daughter to get stuck in the middle, she wants her to have stability and not get hurt," Ronnie explained.
"What are you saying Ron?" Jack said, a hint of anger in his voice. Ronnie shook her head.
"Nothing, I just mean Amy needs a father who's always going to be there."
"That's a little hypocritical don't you think?" said Jack, harshly. Regret instantly passed across his face, "I'm sorry, I didn't mean that." Ronnie found she felt no anger, only hurt. All her energy seemed to have been drained away, she couldn't be mad at him too, her mind couldn't take a fight with Jack on top of everything else.
"I don't care Jack, I really don't," Jack's features creased in concern, this was far worse then if she had shouted at him, or walked away. This wasn't the woman he knew, the woman he knew was tough and strong and wouldn't let anyone talk to her like that, least of all someone she loved. He saw first hand how she had reacted to Roxy's dig about Danielle.
"Are you alright?" he said, softly.
"Spectacular," Jack didn't know if this was sarcasm or not.
"Talk to me," he said, reaching out a hand to sweep her fringe behind her ear, Ronnie recoiled away from him and in the next second she cried out and doubled over and yet another spike of pain took over her, this one much worse than the last two.
"Ron?" Jack hurried round the bar and was by her side in an instant. He bent down to her level and put one hand on her shoulder and another on the side of her head.
Once she was sure the pain had passed, Ronnie straightened up and pulled away from Jack's grip then looked into his eyes to see they were filled with worry and concern.
"I'm fine, Jack," she reassured him, "just a random pain." Jack didn't look convinced, Ronnie gave him a small smile. Jack pulled her into a hug, and she had to force herself not to pull away and run. However, Jack must have felt her tense, as he pulled out of the hug and stared at her, his concern deepening.
"Why can't you stand to have me touch you?" he asked, his voice soft, with a hint of accusation.
"It's not you. Look, don't worry, I'm fine. I'm just tired, didn't get much sleep last night. Amy was crying." Jack didn't look convinced, but relaxed slightly. Just to reassure him more, Ronnie kissed him lightly on the lips, although it caused her mind to be thrown back to the last time she had been kissed. She kept all the emotion that this flashback brought out of her face, she had to buck up her ideas if she was going to convince Jack and the rest of the world that she was normal. If she kept telling everyone she was fine, maybe sooner or later, she would convince herself.
Much to Ronnie's distaste, Jack stayed all day. She loved him, she really did. Around him, even now, she felt almost human. It was for this reason that made it almost impossible to be around him. It was too hard to act normally, like nothing had happened; she knew that with him, she could snap at any moment, she could break down and tell him everything, and that would never do. Some things were best kept a secret, that...night certainly was. No one could ever know what happened, not now, not ever. For their own sakes.
As the day went on, Ronnie grew more and more relaxed and began to almost believe that everything was normal. Jack seemed to have forgotten about her odd behaviour earlier. He was acting as normally around her as she was with him; this was natural, it fitted. Being with Jack was one of the only things that made sense.
By the time late afternoon rolled around, Ronnie was struggling to keep her eyes open. The sleepless night she had previously, added to all the broken nights of sleep since Danielle's death and the nightmares, were beginning to take their toll on her. She felt impossibly tired, but knew she couldn't go to sleep. If she closed her eyes she would have to see him again, that monster. Ronnie remembered a time when she was a child and became convinced that there was a witch living in her wardrobe. She would run into bed every night and pull the duvet over her head. She had been so scared, all she wanted was for someone to protect her from the demons. Now, she had that someone, but the demons she fought now weren't the sort anyone could protect her from. Not eve Jack.
That night, Jack stayed over. Ronnie couldn't stand to be alone, although she didn't tell him this. She didn't want him anywhere near her physically, and pushed him away whenever he came near, claiming she was tired. But she loved his company; he made her feel safe, as if nothing could touch her. With Jack, she was safe even from her inner demons. They still tormented her, almost to a point where she couldn't stand it, but she knew that's as far as it would go. They couldn't make her do anything when Jack was around, they didn't have the power.
She dreamed again. Only this time, it was different. It was the same at first, Ronnie stood in the middle of the road, screaming for her baby, she could see herself in the car...then there was someone else, in the back seat, they were slowly edging forwards, and she screamed, trying to warn herself, but then the man was on top of her. He was touching her and although she was in the road, and it wasn't her body, Ronnie could feel everything that was happening to the other her. Then she felt a blinding pain as he entered her, she could feel his hot, putrid breath.
Ronnie opened her eyes, slowly and realised she was safe in her room. Then she felt what had woken her up, there were real lips, on hers. Someone was kissing her. She tried to scream, but her voice was blocked by whoever was on top of her. Gathering all her strength, Ronnie shoved and Jack's voice called, "oi, what was that for?" Ronnie gasped in shock.
"Jack?" she breathed.
"Well who else was it going to be?" he said, irritably. Ronnie was trying to regain control of her breathing, her heart was beating so hard and fast she could feel it without touching her chest.
Light flooded the room, revealing the scene of the bedroom. Jack was on the bed in front of her, looking both confused and annoyed. His expression instantly softened when he saw Ronnie's face.
"Ron?" he said, his voice full of concern, "what's the matter?" Ronnie hadn't even realised she was crying. But now she noticed them, her tears fell thicker and faster. She knew she had to get out of there, escape, and fast. If she stayed, Jack would ask her again and then she wouldn't be able to lie to him, not like this. She would have to tell him and she couldn't. Not just for his own sake, but because she was scared he wouldn't believe her, that he would call her a liar and leave her. Or worse still, if he did but decided she was damaged goods and he didn't want her anymore, didn't want a woman who had been violated.
Without a word to Jack, Ronnie shot out of the bed, and with one last fearful glance at her boyfriend, she ran. She ran out of the room and down the stairs, grabbing her coat off the peg as she passed. It wouldn't do just to get out of the room, he could run after her then, catch her and ask why she ran from him. No, she had to get out, out out. Away from the pub, away from it all. For now at least. Just until she had calmed down and wasn't petrified of the man she was supposed to love.
Jack was in a panic. He had chased Ronnie after she had ran off, but he couldn't see her anywhere. Even when he first came outside, she had vanished. He couldn't think for the life of him what had caused her to bolt. He had only kissed her, he had done that to he before and she said she much preferred it to an alarm clock. So why had she freaked out so much this time? There was something wrong, it didn't take a genius to figure that out. He hadn't forgotten the way she had acted earlier, the flinching at his every touch, the distance, the pains. Now this.
Jack also knew that Ronnie wasn't going to tell him by herself, she was far too stubborn and closed for that. She never told him, or anyone else anything she was feeling. Ever. Not even Roxy. That night in the pub, when they had first got back together had practically been her pouring her heart out, even mentioning anything about Danielle was a miracle. Sometimes, she scared him, really really scared him. She would get theses moods, where she would just be...nothing. It was like she wasn't even there, just an empty shell, a ghost of a woman that was no longer there.
The more time passed by, the more Jack grew worried. He had never seen her flip like that before. The look on her face when he had switched on the light, he had never seen naked terror before. Then she had just ran like that, but what was more, she had looked, and acted like she was scared of him.
Keeping going ;) I'm actually good for a change. I have something to look forward to.
x
Ronnie finally stopped running and leant against a wall, gasping for breath, rain began to fall from the early morning sky and splashed onto Ronnie's face, mingling with her tears. She knew she had blown it now, Jack would ask why she ran, he wouldn't leave her alone, her would just keep asking her and asking her, but she couldn't tell him. She was too scared. Scared of what would happen if she did, how he would react.
Ronnie looked up, squinting in the darkness, it was almost 7.00 in the morning, but due to the December weathers, it was still as dark as it was at midnight. Ronnie gasped in shock and horror, realising where she was. It was the alley, that alley where it had all happened. She backed away and turned to run again, but was stopped abruptly by someone grabbing her arm. She spun round, expecting to see Jack, the excuses ready to drip from her tongue. She froze in fear. It wasn't Jack
It was him.
She couldn't see his face, the alley was too dark, and he had a hood up, but she recognised those eyes, those cold, piercing, sharp eyes. Ronnie gasped. Then the adrenalin kicked in, she wasn't going to let him do this, not this time. Suddenly, Ronnie felt a surge of power, she knew it wouldn't happen again, she was going to fight him off or die trying. Either way she was never going to let anyone touch her like that ever again.
"Do you live her or something?" she said cockily, trying to aggravate him. If he was going to kill her, she would rather he did it sooner than later.
Strangely, Ronnie found she wasn't scared. She didn't fear this man, she knew she should, and probably would later, if she escaped alive. But then, in that moment, she felt no fear, only a strange relief that it would all soon be over.
"Might ask you the same question," the man retorted, his voice dripped with evil and threat. Ronnie glared, although he couldn't see her in the darkness. "Did you enjoy last night sugar?" he leered. "It was a little boring for me to be honest, they usually struggle, they usually scream," suddenly, he slammed her up against the wall. Ronnie felt her head connect with the stone and cried out in pain.
"You were a good girl. Strange, I expected you to struggle, I expected you to be the worst, you are after all, a Mitchell."
Ronnie froze. So he wasn't bluffing, he really did know who she was, probably where she lived. This wasn't just a stranger*, it was someone she knew, someone who may even live on the street. Perhaps someone she talked to, someone she trusted. He pulled her back from the wall and shoved her again.
"You better not have told anyone about us," he hissed. Ronnie hated his use of 'us' it made it sound as if she had gone along with it, as if she wanted it. All the adrenalin seemed to drain from her and she was just as scared as she had been the previous night.
"No," she said, quietly.
"Good," he growled, "and you won't, will you?" it wasn't a question, it was a threat.
"No," she whispered again.
"Good girl, because I'll know if you do, then I'll get you. I'll kill you, but before I do that I'll make you watch your family die!" he let go of her, Ronnie wasn't expecting this and collapsed to the floor. "Nice to see you again, hope we meet again," and without another word, he left he sobbing on the floor.
That was how Jack found her, half an hour later. By then, he sobs had subsided, she was just curled in a ball, her head throbbing.
"Ron?" said Jack, "is that you?"
"No, it's the tooth fairy," she said sarcastically.
"Ron, what's that matter, why'd you take off like that?" Ronnie said nothing, she knew she couldn't explain to him, and she didn't want to lie. Her head hurt, she just wanted to curl up in bed and sleep.
"Ron?" said Jack again.
He bent down to her level and gasped. "Jesus, what'd you do to your head?" he asked, concerned. Jack put his hand under her chin and turned her head around to inspect the cut. "This is quite deep Ron, and bruised, what did you do?" he asked again, she stayed silent. Jack used his other hand to push her hair out of her face and sighed in frustration, clearly, he was going to get nothing out of her.
"C'mon, let's go to my flat, you can clean up there." Jack helped Ronnie to her feet, she pulled away from him to walk, but felt a wave of dizziness and nausea. The mixture of her injury, shock, fear and lack of sleep were taking their toll. Ronnie leant against Jack for support. Jack felt her fall heavily against him.
"Ron? Are you alright?" he asked in a panic.
"I'm fine Jack," she mumbled, semi conscious. Jack felt a sudden rush of anger. He was tired of hearing that she was fine. It was abvious she had never been less fine.
"No you're not," he said firmly, "you're nowhere near 'fine'. Running out like that isn't 'fine', you were terrified Ron, you looked like you were scared of me, which is ridiculous, you have no reason to be. What happened to you? And don't say nothing, because I know something did happen, you haven't been the same since you left my flat on boxing day."
"No, scratch that you haven't been the same since Danielle died, but now things are even worse, I can't just ignore this." Ronnie pulled away from his grasp with difficulty, she was still feeling dizzy and had to lean against the wall for support. The same wall she had been pushed against twice in the past 36 hours.
"Well you're going to have to," Ronnie snapped, "because there's nothing wrong with me, I'm just been tired. I haven't slept well in ages, you scared me, that's all. I had a nightmare, a different one this time, and when you woke me up like that I freaked out."
"Yeah, I can see that. What I wanna know is why? What's so bad, I've woken you up by kissing you before, you didn't flip then."
"That was before-" she stopped, knowing what should come next in that sentence. This didn't go unnoticed by Jack.
"Before what?" he questioned.
"Before my dream," it wasn't exactly a lie, the dream was what had caused her to run away.
"What did you dream about?" asked Jack, gently. He didn't want her to think he was just being nosey, he wanted her to know he cared. Ronnie shook her head at him,
"I can't remember," she lied.
Jack lost his temper with her, he was tired of her pushing him away, refusing to let anyone give her the help she so clearlt needed. "For God's sake Ron why the hell can't you just tell me?! Don't you trust me or something? It isn't just this, you're always doing this, pushing me away. You never let me in, never tell me anything. Well you know what? I've had enough!" he shouted.
"Enough of me?" said Ronnie, in a small voice, ripples of hurt washing throughg her.
"Yes! I've had enough of you. You blame me for our break up all those months ago, but it was you who poked the hole in the condom Ron, not me!"
"I just wanted a baby," she whispered, her eyes on the floor. She didn't want to face Jack's anger. See the dissapointment.
"I know! That's all you wanted isn't it? You didn't want me, you never have!"
"I do," Ronnie protested finally looking up. "I love you, please don't do this." Jack ignored her.
"You really wanna know why I didn't want a baby with you?" he wasn't shouting anymore, his voice had lowered, but somehow, this was even worse than the yelling. Ronnie didn't answer, she just stared at him.
"I didn't want a baby with you because I was scared you would reject it as soon as the novelty had worn off.I was scared any baby we had together would end up dead, just like your first daughter!"
Ronnie gasped. That was a thousand times worse than what Roxy said, her and her sister fought all the time, and although they had never crossed the line like that before, she knew that deep down, her sister didn't really mean what she said. It was just another row and they would make it up eventually and go back to being RonnieandRoxy, just like they always were. But that was different. The way Jack said it, in that low, non-shout, told her he truly meant it. Roxy had shouted at the spur of the moment, that meant more. Much more.
After staring at Jack for a few moments, the reality of what he had said sunk in. He blamed her. After all this time of telling her it wasn't her fault, he blamed her. He didn't want kids with her, not because he wasn't ready to make that sort of commitment full time, or because he didn't love her, but because he didn't think she was capable, he didn't think she was good enough to have kids. He thought she was a murderer.
"Well I really hope I never get pregnant then," said Ronnie, calmly, before walking away from Jack. She didn't want him to see her cry.
*(This wasn't just a stranger) it was an M&S stranger.
wow this is really good, while reading it kept
me hooked wanting to find out more.
“Never lose faith in yourself,
and never lose hope;
remember, even when this world throws its worst and then turns its back,
there is still always hope.”
Jack stared hopelessly after Ronnie's retreating back, he wanted to call after her, but then what would he say? That he was sorry? That he didn't mean it? But that wasn't true, he had meant what he said. Not about her killing Danielle, but about her not trusting him. Sometimes, it felt that way. As if she didn't love him enough to trust him with her secrets and feeling. But on the other hand, he knew it was just Ronnie being Ronnie, she never told anyone anything about the way she was feeling. It was the way she had always been, never getting to close, never letting anyone in. Jack didn't know what had caused her to withdraw herself from everyone like she did. Maybe it was because she had been hurt so much in the past that she felt she could never risk it again. "Well nice one Jack," he thought to himself, "you've just confirmed to her that everyone will hurt her and she can trust no one."
Jack wasn't the only one watching Ronnie, the same man who had been with her half an hour ago, the same man who had almost attacked her for the second time was hiding in the shadows, waiting to see if she would break her promise. He saw Jack eventually come to her, he saw them talking, but couldn't hear what was being said. However, he guessed they were having some sort of argument. He watched the pairs' expressions and body language. It was clear she had told Jack everything by the way his expression changed from concern to anger, and the horrified look on Ronnie's face. He had warned her, now she would pay.
Ronnie flung open the door of the Vic, and ignoring the stares of the customers, she made her way round the bar and upstairs to the flat above. Roxy threw down the cloth she was using to clean the glasses and hurried after her sister.
"Ron?" she called as Ronnie walked briskly up the stairs, "Ronnie what's the matter?" Ronnie turned around to face Roxy,
"nothing," she lied, "I'm just really tired and want to go to bed for a bit." Roxy frowned,
"but it's only 9.30 in the morning," she stated.
"Yes, I know that, but Jack stayed here last night and we didn't get a lot of sleep." Roxy grinned in understanding.
"Some men just can't keep their pants on," she said with a gleam in her eyes. Ronnie flinched at her words.
"Oh, I'm sorry Ron, I didn't mean it like that," apologised Roxy, misunderstanding. Ronnie smiled at her sister.
"I know," she said.
"Rox, I know you didn't mean what you said the other day, I'm sorry for being a cow about it." With everything that had happened since their argument, it seemed so petty and stupid now. Yes, what Roxy had said was out of line, but nothing compared to Jack, and she knew her sister had just been angry and lashed out in the worst way she could think of. Now she had lost Jack, the only person who had a hope of stopping her falling into the darkness that was looming over her and threatening to suck her in. She couldn't stand to hate her sister too, she needed someone in her life whom she could speak to without the ice in her voice.
Roxy blinked at Ronnie, surprised that her sister had forgiven her so quickly, she had expected to be blanked for weeks and even then she didn't think Ronnie would ever forget what she said, even if she forgave.
"Please don't apologise, you had every right to hate me, I'm so sorry."
"Really, it's fine. I know you're sorry. I forgive you." Roxy smiled, a genuine smile that made the light shine behind her eyes.
"What's with the sudden forgiveness? Yesterday, you wouldn't even be in the same room as me."
"I just put things into perspective, if you think about all the things dad's ever done to me, you're practically a saint and I'm not exactly sweetness and light to you."
Now she had forgiven Roxy, Ronnie wanted nothing more than to get away from her. To lock herself away and not have to answer to anyone. She turned to go, but as she did so, Roxy saw the effects of Ronnie's latest attack.
"Ron what happened to your head?" she gasped. Ronnie had wiped away most of the blood, but there was nothing she could do about the cut or the bruises. She had tried to hide them with her hair, but it had fallen away when she had turned her head, revealing just a tiny bit of the damage that had been done to her by that man.
"Hit it against a wall," Ronnie said, truthfully, "oh, and if Jack comes by, I'm not in," and without waiting for more questioning, she once again turned and walked away. Not even looking back when Roxy called after her.
Just as Roxy suspected, Jack came hurrying into The Vic late afternoon. "Is Ronnie here?" he asked, spotting Roxy serving at the bar. Roxy glared, coolly at him,
"no, she isn't. Why?"
"I want to see her, I need to tell her I'm sorry." At this, Roxy turned on Jack, anger evident in all of her features.
"What have you done now?" she demanded.
"Nothing, we just had a row that's all. I said something I shouldn't have and I want to apologise."
"So you've hurt her, again. When is she going to see that you are never going to stop hurting her and ditch you already?!" Roxy snapped, angrily. Jack glared at her.
"You can hardly talk, the amount of times you two have fought, she told me what you said to her the other day." Rosy looked ashamed.
"Well I told her I'm sorry, and she's forgiven me for that."
"She hadn't last time I checked."
"Well she has now, what business is it of yours anyway?" Jack didn't answer her, she was secretly thrilled that Ronnie had forgiven her sister, it meant there was more chance of her speaking to him.
"Look, Roxy, I didn't come here to argue with you, I just want to see Ronnie."
"Well she isn't here, she went out soon after she came back, she didn't say where she was going." Jack sighed.
"Will you tell me if she comes back?" he pleaded.
"That depends if Ronnie wants you to be told." Knowing he was beaten, Jack sighed again and slowly walked out of the pub.
Jack knew that Ronnie probably was in the pub, but if she had asked Roxy to lie for her, she clearly didn't want to see him. He didn't blame her either. Yes, he was angry that she didn't trust him, but was he really surprised? After all her had done, the amount of times he had hurt and betrayed her, was it any wonder? Anyway, that was no reason to say what he did. He knew Ronnie, he knew she wouldn't believe him when he told her he didn't mean it, even if she forgave him, she would always think he believed her to be responsible for her own daughter's death.
Ronnie lay on her bed, staring at the ceiling. She had been there since 10.00 that morning, and it was now 2AM, try as she might, she couldn't sleep. Now, rather than just feeling hot breath on her neck, and hearing his cold voice every time she closed her eyes, she also heard Jack. His words ran round and round her head, making it impossible to think, let alone sleep.
Before, Ronnie had just suspected Danielle's death was her fault, but after her arguments with both Roxy and Jack, she no longer thought she was to blame, she knew she was. It was her fault her daughter died. If she had been a better mother, fought harder against her dad, gone looking for her baby, realised who Danielle was when she first came to the square. She should have believed Danielle when she told her who she was. She certainly shouldn't have said all those things and thrown her out of The Vic.
Ronnie began to sob, and buried her face in the pillow to muffle the sound. Her daughter was dead and it was all her fault, she had been attacked and violated, nothing would never be the same again. And now she had lost the only person on Earth who could have healed her. She was broken with no hope of being fixed, she had killed her own daughter. It was in that moment that Ronnie decided she neither wanted or deserved to live anymore.
Knowing what she had to do, Ronnie wiped away her tears and swung her legs out of bed. In was past two in the morning, but she knew the convenience shop, five minutes away, would still be open. Having never changed,she was still fully dressed. Shaking slightly, Ronnie crept down the stairs, she didn't want to wake anyone, if she saw any of her family she just might back down and not go through with this, and she knew she needed to. She couldn't exist without living. Not again. Ronnie managed to take her bag and coat and leave The Vic quietly without alerting any attention, just like she wanted it. She shivered as she walked to the shop, not just from the cold, but from the memory of what happened last time she was out alone in the dark, and also, from what she was about to do.
The shop assistant gave her an odd look as she placed the bag of disposable razors on the counter. "What do you want these for at half two in the morning?" she asked, her sing song, Irish accent made her concerned suspicion sound more like a chirp. Ronnie looked her up and down and tried to smile at her. She was a young woman, maybe 25 with shoulder length mid-brown hair that suited her well. She had deep brown eyes that seemed to penetrate Ronnie's skull, but this wasn't a bad thing. It was in the same caring way that Jack looked at her, she could tell this woman was one of those genuinely nice people who cared about everyone and everything she came across.
"I'm going on holiday, early flight, only I forgot to buy razors yesterday," she lied, easily. The shop assistant nodded, satisfied by her answer.
"Ah, early flights are the worst, when I go home to Ireland I usually leave the booking so late I have to get flights at about four in the morning, I always find I forget something in the mad pre holiday shop. I forgot my passport once, left it on the coffee table and had to go back for it, almost missed my flight." Ronnie laughed.
"Done that one," she said, "only my fiancée-ex fiancée, remembered at last minute."
"So, where you of to at this delightful hour then?" the woman asked.
"Ibiza," Ronnie quickly invented.
"Never been, I always go back to Ireland whenever I get the time and money to go away."
"Do you have family there?"
"I do. They are always on at me to move back, seeing as I'm there at every given opportunity, but although I come from Ireland, it never really felt like home, you know what I mean? London on the other hand...well I knew it's where I wanted to live as soon as I set foot here." Ronnie smiled, knowingly.
"It's the opposite here, I'm comfortable in London, but like you and Ireland it's never felt like home."
"So what has?"
"Ibiza. I used to live there with my sister, Roxy, but we moved back here to be closer to our family," she pulled a face, "something I'm starting to regret now." The shop assistant grinned at her, a sparkle in her eyes.
"Drive you up the wall do they?" Ronnie laughed again,
"You could say that," she said, "especially my sister, we fight like cat and
dog. I could never leave them though." Ronnie paused, realising what she just said. The shop assistant was silent too, as if she knew what the razors were really for.
"Well, anyway, I better be going," said Ronnie after a few moments, "gotta get my flight."
"Yeah, you're right. We can't stand here chatting all night, it's almost three in the morning. Have a good holiday by the way. I hope you get back safely."
"Well you know us women, can chat at any hour, to any person about anything."
"What's your name?" the woman asked, before Ronnie left.
"Ronnie."
"That short for Veronica I take it. I'm Claire." Ronnie smiled,
"Well goodbye Claire, maybe I'll see you in here again when I get back."
"Yeah, maybe," said Claire, as if she knew that was a lie. Ronnie turned to leave, but before she had the chance to even take a step, Claire put her hand on Ronnie's.
"Take care of yourself," she said, her warm, brown eyes looking straight into Ronnie's ice blue one. She smiled again and nodded.
"You too."
Ronnie walked back to The Vic, slowly, she knew what was going to happen when she got back. As she walked, she looked around the square, drinking everything in. Every house, every car, every path and all the other building. The laundrette, the off licence, Claire's shop. She took in every detail, despite what she had told Claire, she may not have felt the same about Walford as she did Ibiza, but it had been her home for almost two years, a place she had shared with her family and friends. A place she would never see again.
Eventually, Ronnie reached the door of the pub, she slotted her key into the lock, and turned it carefully, not wanting to wake anyone. Once inside, Ronnie crept upstairs, remembering that the seventh creaked and avoiding it. She walked slowly into her room and shut the door quietly behind her. She sat cross legged on the bed and picked up a pen and the envelope to the bill she had received sometime last week. On the envelope she simply wrote, "Roxy, I'm sorry, for everything. I love you, my amazing little sister."
Unable to stop tears rolling silently down her face, Ronnie pulled the razors out of the plastic bag Claire had given her. She took one and took off the cap, running it across the back of her hand experimentally. The blood welled and began to slide down her wrist. The pain enable Ronnie to concentrate, to not totally break down and focus on what she was about to do. Ronnie snapped the plastic casing that coated the blades; this would be a much easier job without that in the way.
She picked up the silver killer nestled among the hard plastic that had already fallen victim. Ronnie turned her arm around so her wrist was facing upwards. She placed the blade against the thin skin where her veins sat. She closed her eyes and breathed deeply, pressing the blade into her skin. Ronnie let out a small whimper of pain and the blade pierced her wrist, breaking the protective layer around her vein.
As she pressed the silver deeper into the white of her skin, causing a stark colour contrast, Ronnie thought of Claire, and the way that she cared, even though it was almost three in the morning and they had never met, how Claire had looked into her eyes and told her to 'take care of herself', without needing to say it, Ronnie had promised that she would. She thought of how Claire had given her the bag, despite the fact she only brought one item;although she hadn't said so, Ronnie knew it was so people didn't question her about buying such items at three in the morning.
She thought of her sister and all the times they had argued-and all the times they had laughed together, all their private jokes, all the times they had been each others' light in the dark times. She thought of the way her sister could be so aggressive and scary when she was mad, but she could also be so gentle and caring,that sometimes Ronnie wondered if the Slaters were the only bi-poler ones in the square.
She thought of the seventh stair and how she knew to avoid it, just like she knew that her bedroom door creaked if opened too slowly and the lock on the door of The Vic sometimes stuck, so you had to really add force to the key for it to turn. She though of how well she knew this place, and its residents. And what they would say when they found her. Who would find her? Roxy probably, she would come and give Ronnie a 'helpful' wake up call if she had failed to surface by 8.30AM. Suddenly Ronnie knew that she couldn't do it to them, none of them. She couldn't do it to Roxy, Peggy, Phil, Ben or Jack. She couldn't even do it to Claire, although they had just met, Ronnie knew that Claire knew, which meant that no matter what happened, even if their paths never crossed again, that the pair would share a bond. A bond that she could never share with anyone else.
Before it could go any deeper, Ronnie flung the blade away from her body. She looked down at the cut she had made. It was deep, but not fatal. Being careful not to step on the creaky floorboards, Ronnie travelled to the bathroom, where she washed away the blood and with it all her thoughts of what she had been so close to doing.
