I posted this in Serious, because I want it to be taken seriously. Need it to be taken seriously.
I'm afraid of men.
It's complicated, but for me is a result of having been abused by a man, my father from around age 4 to when I left home to go to uni. Dominating, dictating, abusive, possessing, grabbing, squeezing, threatening, rejecting, emotionally abandoning, intimidating, aggressive.
But never what would be called typical sexual abuse.
I'm 40 on Sunday, and I've never dated or had sex, because of my fear of men.
There's a school of thought that implies that only people who've been sexually abused by a male would have such fears and avoidance as I have. What do you believe?
My response, I believe, is a normal response to an abnormal situation over many years. Bullying at school, social isolation from my parents, along with birth trauma, have all contributed, as well as my father's behaviour towards me and my mother. A complex set of factors, but which can feel very isolating, as they're not typical causes of such fears, it would seem.
Is anyone else scared of men? Can you explain why?
I have never been afraid of men full-stop; some of my best friends at school were male. However, for about 6 years or so I was very afraid of intimate contact with men. Even if one of my male friends touched me on the arm, it felt sordid and made me feel dirty.
Considering the abuse you went through, it does not seem unnatural for you to feel this way. However, I'm sure you realise that most other people do not - even other people who have been abused. I have managed to overcome my fear and, although my experiences were no where near as debilitating as yours have been, I truly believe that you can aswell. You need to learn to trust again. That takes time, and being around the right people who will give you time to feel comfortable in their presence. Just don't condemn yourself to a life of being alone, because I honestly think that if you want to overcome this, you can.
Take care.
There are, it has been said, two types of people in the world. There are those who, when presented with a glass that is exactly half full, say: 'This glass is half full'. And then there are those who say: 'This glass is half empty'.
The world belongs, however, to those who can look at the glass and say: 'What's up with this glass? Excuse me? Excuse me? This is my glass? I don't think so. My glass was full! And it was a bigger glass!
*Hugs* I was very scared of men for a period of my life, my father also wasn't typically sexually abusive but he was sexually inappropriate and an alcoholic. When I spent 2 and a half years in a psych hospital as a teenager I was also victim to sexually inappropriate and violent behavior mostly by male staff. It got to the point that the idea of a man touching me made me cringe. I am now married with a child (my husband was my first ever intimate relationship) and I certainly didn't believe this would happen. I still have a lot of issues regarding sexual relations and we are currently in marriage counseling trying to deal with this among other things. I still struggle to see sex as anything but dirty and wrong.
This certainly isn't an easy thing to overcome, but I really wish you the best of luck. You deserve happiness whether it's with a man, woman or just being happy with yourself x
"Where ever I am I always find myself looking out the window wishing I was somewhere else." - Angelina Jolie
I've never been sexually abused or 'abused' as such by a male, but I do have a fear of men, yes.
My step dad was very violent towards other family members which I witness and his look on his face and everything was well, absolutley... awful. That happened when I was quite young, but I'm still scared of men.
i feel for you and what you have been through. i was sexually abused for about 4 and a half years it has affected my trust in people but im not scared of men i'm quite the opposit. but i spose it affects everyone in different ways all of which are normal for what they have been through hope this helps
I find the physical presence of men so threatening. I get into this flee or frighten thing when walking down the road - either running away from any man walking anywhere near, or behaving very hostile and my other self state coming out to attack them verbally and with glares so they don't attack me physically/sexually. Frightened or frighten. It's especially noticeable when the boundaries aren't clear - the unpredictability of random strangers. It's shameful and embarrassing. And kind of extreme, given that I've never been sexually assaulted.
It is understandable that you will be afraid of men - we can be very cruel and hurtful. If you have suffered because of what men have done to you, then it is only natural that you will have a fear.
However, if the fear is extreme it is possible that it is actually your own projected anger. Irrational fear is often the person's own aggression and desire to attack others. If this aggression is repressed, it can resurface as the rest of the world being excessively hostile and threatening. What appears to be men wanting to attack you may really be your own desire to attack men.
There are practices you can do to help you understand better your feelings, and through them it is possible to find healing and greater peace. If you would like more information on this please message me.
"Resolve to be tender with the young, compassionate with the aged,
sympathetic with the striving, and tolerant with the weak and wrong because sometime in your life you will have been all of these."
I have a fear of men, yes. For many different reasons they are 'unsafe' to me. There were a few things that were said to me, explained to me, knowing people who have been hurt, and also a situation that happened that was physical (It wasn't anything awful in comparison to what people actually go through). Anyway, yes, I'm very scared, I am 20 years old and I've never had a proper boyfriend. <3 You are not alone. Also, considering what you've been through, I think it's very understandable you feel the way you do; it can change. <3 xx
-“And the day came when the risk it took to remain tight inside the bud was more painful than the risk it took to bloom.” Anais Nin-
Allie, Mutt, Great Grandma, Hope and Humbug. I love you and miss you all. xx
oliness, it's both. Therapy is giving me tools to handle it, thank you. It's not irrational fear. Try living in London! It's full of men who stare and ridicule women. And underline what my father did to me. Yes, some is projection from the past, and from my own feelings. But it's not just out of nowhere. I understand my feelings. Thank you. I'm in psychotherapy long term, and have been reflecting on my feelings for many years. Just I... feel alone with them.
I'm not a freak. Despite what men may think of me. And women. I'm not a freak, I'm not. It's just how the bullies moulded my mind and appearance. Which I'm trying to fight back against.
I am a woman, and I'm allowed to feel empowered in that. A man took away my personal power. A man at home and many young women at school.
I'm afraid of women, too, just men have the extra, sexual 'weapon' which I will protect myself from 'at all costs'.
I dont think you are being irrational. Men often seem larger, stronger and threatening even unintentionally. Especially if you are feeling rather fragile for other reasons too.
Being made to feel worthless by your father clearly underlies a lot of this and its good that you recognise that. But I think it is also that men do often think it is acceptable to call out to women on the street and make jokes etc (an opinion that I feel is partly down to the objectification of women through porn, strip clubs etc.) which can lead to you feeling vulnerable and scared.
I sometimes get a very intense fear of men (it only happens sometimes but when it does it can be crippling and will include even those I have trusted before), and I've never been sexually abused that I am aware of. Like you describe it gets very intense when I go into that mode, and all I can think is why would I be like this when I've never been abused? I'm not sure why it is for me, as though my dad could be unpredictable he never in any way abused me. Though it may have come from boyfriends, etc. later on. But I'm rambling. So I think you have more "reason" for this to happen than I do, but the thing is you don't even have to have a conscious "reason".
I think any bad experience with someone can cause your subconscious to be afraid of everyone that might be like the person you had a bad experience with as a defense mechanism. I think it's pretty ignorant for anyone to say you have to have experienced sexual abuse to be afraid like that. What you experienced was complete physical and emotional abuse and that's not any less important than sexual abuse. Someone could develop a fear of men even if they weren't necessarily abused by them, everyone's mind works differently. Someone might develop a fear of relationships because they've had several relationships go bad, even if no one was being abused. But that wouldn't make their fear of relationships any less valid.
So that stereotype is extremely misinformed. I have been emotionally abused by women and it does make me very wary of being in close friendship relationships with women. It's a bit closer to your situation in the way both my mother and several friends were in what happened except with women instead of men. And it's made me very defensive against some women I think will use me, it made me not even want a female counselor at first though I got used to that. Yet it doesn't make my feelings less important or painful because it was emotional and not sexual. Defining types of abuse is just words and semantics, it doesn't mean it was more or less potent in hurting you.
So sorry to ramble but I hope I explained how anyone who undermines your issues just because of the "type" of abuse you went through is not worth even talking to about your issues. They are only going to make you feel worse and they are very wrong and probably haven't experienced what you have. So stay strong and ignore people like that and know there's a lot of people who believe that everything you went through was bad and that your reactions are entirely valid.
I guess I am afraid of men too.
I'm only just realising this though.
I used to be scared of sex but to get over that fear I got drunk and 'did the deed' which made things worse really in the long run with my fear of men.
I can be around men but I am incredibly anxious and uncomfortable when I am.
Like on Saturday night it was a girls night out though all three of us 'pulled' as such..though I was the one that freaked out & didn't go back to the hotel etc. I haven't ever had a proper relationship.
I wasn't really 'sexually abused' though things happened to me that I didn't want to happen to me..I wouldn't call it abuse though.
But my dad used to hurt me physically though I love my dad to bits and I also dont' think it's that either that made me 'scared'
I don't really know what it is.
I just feel uncomfortable and anxious around them.
It's good your working on your feelings with your therapist because although these feelings may feel natural to you now cause it's been going on for so long, they aren't 'right' as such (though I think it's natural to feel this stuff considering)
You are definatly Not a freak! Keep telling yourself that hun.
I can relate and understand.
*huggles you gently*
Life can be beautiful if you let it.
Step back, breathe and take it in
how come you don't want to leave it up? it's totally fine if you wanna take it down, but just know a lot of people can relate and there's nothing wrong with what you said.
Thank you... for sharing your experience, Leigh, and for validating me, Liz.
I deleted my thread in A&B because I felt misunderstood and not fully heard. And I'm partly scared of it being the case here, but I think the way I've worded things has helped people understand better and connect more.
This is a vulnerable area for me, and there's a LOT of shame.
What I experienced from my father wasn't sexual abuse, wasn't physical abuse, the lines are too 'blurry' to call it purely physical or sexual abuse. Unwanted touch. What I experienced was not anywhere near explicitly sexual. I was an object of 'attack' because I was female and vulnerable. But he wasn't taking sexual advantage of me. Yes, the tweaking my arms was discharging a kind of sexually aggressive playful affectionate kind of energy upon me, which I didn't want. He didn't know how to be affectionate. So it came out like that, with all his rage at women.
Katie, I understand what you are saying. I have never had these experiences, so am coming at this from a different perspective, but please do not be afraid to keep the thread here. I think there are many people that understand.
I think the fear does not need to come just specifically from abuse. The fear is part of a defence mechanism and I think it is the need to defend yourself that is heightened. I get this at times. I have social anxiety and at its worse I believe some people have been taken over by monsters - so I become hypervigilante in looking for them and want to escape, I also hate being touched.
For me, my fear is not gender specific, it is however still built around fear and the need to protect the self - and it is this side that I understand.
I know these issues can be very sensitive and I know they must feel frightening to admit to. I think, if nothing else, that is why this thread should be kept here - Because it is a sensitive issue that you have allowed us to respond to and try to help you think over. I can only hope it does help, in some small way.
There is nothing wrong with having such fears, or in worrying about how others may perceive them. I can only hope that you will one day find a place where you feel comfortable to explore them in a way that helps you eradicate the fight flight response to 'everyone' that may be male.
*safe hugs*
Roiben x
If the Human brain were so simple that we could understand it, we would be so simple that we wouldn't.
I ... stood up to an egotistical man who had his feet right across the tube train earlier this afternoon. It wasn't.. pleasant. But it proves I am not going to be put down and squashed flat by men who have over inflated self importance and think they can lord it over public space and women any more.
I can very much understand how difficult it is for you to talk about this, I wasn't even sure whether to reply as I was concerned I wouldn't be able to word how I felt properly, I also didn't want to make any comparisons between what people have been through.
I do not think you are a freak, and anyone who does probably has massive issues with themselves. It's very sad that people hold power over us, but we can work on that and we can change things. You have power, you are in control and you are allowed to feel and think and behave in a way you want to. I hope this makes some kind of sense. <3 Youre very special and I think you have a lot to give the world. xx
-“And the day came when the risk it took to remain tight inside the bud was more painful than the risk it took to bloom.” Anais Nin-
Allie, Mutt, Great Grandma, Hope and Humbug. I love you and miss you all. xx
