Triggering (SI) - late night unloading

elephant poo · 08-03-2010, 04:58 AM

*takes a deep breath and just goes for it*
Hi All, I have re-written this post to many times to count, so I'm just going to pretend that no one else is going to see my late night ramblings! or spelling mistakes!

I have managed to stay self harm free for 4 years in April (well... 3 or 4 small transgressions, but we wont count those!). The hardest thing in my life to do ( even worse than quitting smoking!), but it had to be done. The first 2 months were almost constant thoughts of S/H, but things slowly got better..... still had occasional thought about S/H, but months and months could pass without any urges. Unfortunately, these past few weeks have been torture... it's like my mind has suddenly jumped backwards to those first few days of quitting and i am not prepared at all. Not just that, but there is no reason for them to be back... it's like they have been on holiday, when I thought they had moved out. It's just so gutting, as I thought I was past all this... my life is going great, and then bang I'm back were I started

I am so close to cracking.... it's scary. Every day my resolve is getting weaker and weaker, and there is nothing I can do to stop the inevitable from happening. My head is all over the place, and it's getting harder and harder to pretend that nothing is wrong. I'm going through the motions of normal life, but undereneath, everything is breaking. My other half knows that things aren't quite right - the fact I'm not going to bed until well after 4 in the morning is quite a good clue - but I don't think he knows how hard things really are for me. Not that anyone could do anything to help, which I guess is why I'm posting this.... it's nice to know that even though I feel like a big pile of elephant poo, there are other people who know what it's like, and can begin to understand how I feel. like not being able to get to sleep at night, so I'm absolutely useless during the day - which is not good when you have a 3 year old running around. She can smell weakness from 5 miles away, and always uses it to her advantage!

So I'm not sleeping, eating would need a whole other thread, not talking to anyone, using prescription painkillers as an escape for a few hours, and unable to unload the dishwasher without spending 10 minutes fondling each knife, and breaking down into (very quiet) tears! and all the old self hating thoughts have slotted back into my life it's almost like they never left. one minute I'm so angry, it feels like i'm going to pop, the next I'm so numb, I don't know what the hell is going on. I can't seem to get away from my little black cloud. So here I am, feeling like the past 4 years have not happened, and just wanting to hide in a dark corner for a while, feeling so confused, and angry, and sad, and restless, and weary, but most of all, just wanting to hurt.

PoisonedApple · 09-03-2010, 12:23 AM

I can't offer much in the way of advice or comfort but to say I know what you're going through and you aren't alone in this. My inbox is always open if you need someone to talk to. *leaves lots of huggles*

Sigma · 09-03-2010, 05:24 PM

welcome to RYL, I hope you can get some support here, and know that you're not alone. 4 years is fantastic! has anything happened recently to set the negative thoughts off again?

take care

elephant poo · 10-03-2010, 01:31 AM

Thanks for the Hugs, and words of welcome guys. This is the first time I've joined a message board, and it's really daunting!!

Unfortunatly, I gave in early this morning, and cut. At the moment, I'm to focused on doing it again to worry about chucking 4 years down the pan. I figure it's done now, and I may as well make it worth my while and do as much as I need before my other half see's what I've done and goes crazy.

Tokoloshe - the only thing that I can think of that has happend is having my contraceptive implant taken out. I can see it might make me a bit hormonal, but not to this extent It' been out for 7 weeks now, I should imagine things are settled down by now. Well, you have given me somthing to look into anyway, Thanks.

Thanks for the ears everyone

bobb · 10-03-2010, 05:45 AM

Im right there with you. I just reassured my 3 year old little girl 20 minutes ago when she cried out in the night. My wife (we married feb 21st), is on the couch behind me and pregnant as well.

I dont know why this cloud follows me either. Maybe its an imbalance in our heads, maybe its all the crap thats happened that we cant let go of. I find myself taking on impossible achievements to clear my head of it. (100 mile cycling, triathalons, learning mechanics, going back to school in the fall). But if Im left to my thoughts....

Im on medication for anxiety/depression, and have been for years. Lately they upped my tranquilizers, but Im a zombie with it, maybe its better than the alternative. But im still active.

Today, My wife got her liscense with her new name on it, i took my daughter to a preschool reading at a library, we went for a walk, I went to the gym and she played with other kids, I went to the inlaws house, and she played with my wife's 4yr old brother while we chatted and had a good time. But Im still on here.

I need someone here that I can talk to. Maybe you do too?