Triggering (SI/Sexual Abuse) - Knocked down

[~*Dare to Dream*~]

Just when you start believing in yourself - Something triggers you really badly and you get knocked back to somewhere you really don't want to be.

Confidence has been lost - beaten & dragged down.

I should be doing better than this - It shouldn't be affecting me this badly still...

I feel so exposed, so vunerable, unsafe.

I don't know if I can do this anymore - I can't ****ing deal with this.

[Mandimoo]

i think you're expecting a hell of a lot of yourself, going through all the police stuff and still being ok?

go easy on yourself, take your time and work through it slowly.

i think you need to find someone who you can talk to, maybe a specialt counsellor, the police might be able to put you in touch with one.

mand x

[~phoenix~]

Ann, sweetheart. There is no set recovery time for what you went through. Just think of everything going on in your life at the moment. If you felt on top off the world, unconcerned, unfazed, then I'd be worried.

As Mandi suggested, is there any way you could get referred to a specialist counsellor? There's a lot for you to deal with.

Don't expect too much from yourself. x

[Mandimoo]

how you feeling today hun? baby steps remember. mand x

[~*Dare to Dream*~]

I feel so exposed.
I feel so vulnerable.

Torn open,
Picked apart,
Carelessly being peiced together
But peices are missing still.

Tired, waiting til judgement day,
The day where it's going to be so intimate,
Where I am going to be judged.

What if they judge me the wrong way?
What if It was my fault?

Stupid doubts, I know it was wrong.
I just can't seem to believe I am not to blame.
But I know it wasn't my fault - You don't need to tell me that.

I long to punish myself, but I am scared of how far I will go;
I am already feeling so intamately exposed that I don't want any more of my life being examined, so If I don't think I can risk acting upon my thoughts at the moment.

The time isnt right.

Tick, Tock, Tick, Tock.

Time will go on.

[Mandimoo]

you're not being judged. he is. you're helping them to judge him.

[~*Dare to Dream*~]

I feel like I am being judged.
I feel like my thoughts and feelings are being completely dissmissed by people IRL.

I feel like because I do not show how hard it is for me that people think I can handle stuff.

I feel like Im pushing everyone away, even though Im trying to reach out and get help.

I keep being told that Im reacting to uncomfortable positions well, but really?? I really don't see that. Freaking out if i get touched even accidentaly is awful.

I've been here before. I know how to react, and I know how to control situations, Its like second nature to me now - I've been doing it most of my life. Its just so hard. And then being told I NEED to speak to someone. I tried and it took a lot of effort for me to tell her about stuff that made me uncomfortable and she just dismissed it all or it felt like she did.

[Mandimoo]

then she's not very good is she? mand x