Triggering (SI/Suicide) - at rope is lookin mighty friendly

[blind at heart]

alright this story is long as fuck.
so maybe a week or two weeks ago (idk for sure) my girlfriend dumped me over a text. that would hav been fine and dandy but she had been my friend since like first grade. so I was pretty hurt. then last week we were both being assholes to each other. u know post-relationship grudge type deal. I cared about her to much to continue that so I went to meet her at her job. she works at chilli's. actually that prolly not important but whatever. so theyr closin up for the day and I approach her. I give the whole speech. I'm sorry blah blah blah. then I say that I want to remain friends with her because that's how it's been for like ever. then I was like I hope it doesn't get awkward between us. idk something to tht effect. she said no. but not to what. so I assumed she said no to "it won't be awkward". but she said no to satying friends. completely oblivious to this fact I went to give her a "friend hug". then she screamed no. and like backed away into a isle of booths. I just kinda stared at her cuz I didn't realize what had just happened. so for some reason I stepped toward her. and she just screamed get away. I was just fuckin emotionally nuked. I picked up a steak knife off of a table in the isle and pointed it at her. of course she screamed. o and btw idk what the he'll everybody else was doun at this point. so after she was done screaming I took the knife and just cut the shit of my forearm. I walked up to her and put the knife in her shirt pocket and walked out the door. all this happened on like wednesday. idk I suck with time. so thrsday night my other friend thts a girl called me freaking the fuck out yelling "HOLY SHIT!! JEN IS DEAD!!". I'll get back to this in a sec. so Ellie (the other girl) goes to school with Jen. I go to an all dudes school and them an all girls. so Ellie said tht Jen came to school all happy and shit. but she had to leave early sometime in the day. jens parents both work really late so she's home alone till like 10. apparently she just went home and hanged herself. Ellie found her because they both live in the same subdivision thingy. and Jen wasn't answering her phone. so she went over. saw Jen and shen called me. alright back to the other part. after I heard what Ellie said I just fuckin slumped against a wall and cried. I didn't hear whatelse she said. I think she was blaming me. idk. I cut really bad too. I think I passed out. it's all fuzzy tho. on a side note, our spring break started on thursday afternoon so the next part will make sense. I woke up at like one. somehow Ellie was in my room. idk she prolly just came over. I couldn't sleep so I was just lost in thought. then Ellie starts screaming in her sleep. so I had to wake her up and she started crying and so did I. idk I guess I fell asleep. then yesterday all I did was smoke weed. like all day. and now were at today. and the funeral is tomorrow. and I don't want to go because I fucking killed her. the last thing I did was hurt her. I want to kill myself. I don't want to live knowing how awful this situation is. and tht I caused it. I can't do it tho. I can't leave Ellie. cuz then shed prolly kill herself. then it'd be one of those chain suicide things. and I really don't want tht shit. idk I fucking hate myself. Idk killing myself and dying equal the same thing in my eyes cuz I'm atheist. idk. I just want life to go away. crawl in a dark quiet corner and just fade off. I'm rambling now. my story is told

[Defender Of The Faith]

*hug* I'm sorry you're having such a hard time right now. But it wasn't your fault. I mean... You didn't force her to kill herself. She chose to do it. Maybe you did hurt her, but you were also willing to try and sort things out. And she hurt you too. It WASN'T your fault. Please don't blame yourself.
I can't even imagine what you're going through right now, but... I'm here if you need someone to talk to, yeh?
Please hold on...

Kirsty
xx

[Pagey]

hugs.....kirsty said it so well...please hold on

[Belt]

:(

Nobody will ever really understand why Jen killed herself. I bet everyone who knew her is questioning whether they could have stopped her or whether it is their fault. But it is, nobody else's fault. Jen chose to commit suicide. Nobody else was involved with her decision. You can't kill yourself now, I doubt your friend could deal with loosing another friend. She needs you now, and you should lean on her for support too. Please stay strong.

[blind at heart]

I hav to take the blame. I need to blame something.
ppl blame shit all the time. it's just how the mind operates.
no clear cause? blame. it's just automatic.
it'll prolly just take time

[Defender Of The Faith]

Hey. How are you doing?
xx

[lower than myself]

Rick darling, it's not your fault. Like Kirsty said, Jen chose to commit suicide, it's not your fault or anyone elses. *cuddles*

Are you okay?

[blind at heart]

I'm not really feeling anything right now. I don't know what to feell. nothing like this has ever happened

[Katiee]

I'm sorry to hear that, but as said, it wasn't your fault at all!
I know you're feeling really bad right now, but you're not to blame.
I think you should talk to someone who can support you at this difficult time right now. Hope you're alright and we're all here for you if you need us. Take care. xo

[blind at heart]

I know I didn't cause it. It just makes me sick to think tht the last interaction I had with her was so bad. I loved her. not like as a girlfriend as much as like a best friend. family almost.

[Defender Of The Faith]

Do you see a councillor or anything? If you don't then maybe you should consider it? Talking to someone might help, and they may be able to give you extra help, medication-wise and stuff... I can't even imagine how hard it must be for you, but... Please don't give up...
xx