Triggering (SI) - Really struggling need upport..

[NegativeCreep]

Hi,
Heres the story so far. Ive done well at not SH'ing for a while. Ive had a few small blips where i have cut once and a small cut. But thats been it and ive gone without doing so for months again.
I havnt gone out and gotten plastered as i used to. Ive kept everything 'under control' But recently things hae spiraled out of control. Well in all honesty its been probably just over a year that ive noticed it often.
Ive been shaky, sore head/stomach, stopped putting my seatbelt on and half way through my drive thinking what an idiot i am. Seeing something sharp and imagining what i can do.

I have alot of 'pressure' on me at work. Long story, but shortened its a family business and its in some financial struggles...not due tothe recession, due to the previous partner. The recession hasnt helped obviously. Anyway, ive been sort of left to run it, but then i cant solely controll it and run it, but im lacking alot of help and support. I dont think this is WHY ive gone down hill but i do feel it has contributed.

My dad hasnt spoken to me for two weeks nearly. I lost it and went to the doctors- now ive NEVER done this through choice but i knew i had to. Two weeks off back on meds. Went back and he said i sould have 2 weeks on the sick. Dadwent wild. So i started doing half days instead. I was there but it wasnt throwing me back in the deep end. Ive sinse been to a counciler and she said i really need to go on the sick, take time out for the tablets to take full effect. I told her the reaction to the last sick note but she asked me to just do it, im entitled to it and the business is not my problem. So my mam told my dad, i could hear him flip downstairs and i cut again. Deep ish. I then rushed out the house before he came up. Called the counciler and went to see her before i did something stupid, but this point blood was all over my pants i was in a state and drove like a maniac. I didnt realise they were so deep and ended up in a&e. I just missed stitches and got steri strips and the crisis team were called. They said as ive just been put on meds & started seeing the couniler that theywere happy to let me home and count this as a blip.

Anyway the day before my dad didnt speak to me after an argument, two weeks on im off work, he wont even look at me, ive butchered my legs, im not living at home and instead on a friends couch. He has not paid me what i am owed so im skint and although legally i can do somethiing...there is nothing i can do about it. I cant bring the law into it, it would make things worse. So i have now £95 to last me the month...

I had a fight with my mam and broke down, i told her how he makes me feel. I feel like im his doormat, like he doesnt love me and if he could he would twist a knife in my heart im his dissappointment, the one who fucks things up, complicates things. All im good for is taking shit for him at work, that aside- why bother??

I dont smoke but ive smoked 20 tabs sinse about a week ago because its that or cut. My sck note runs out next tuesday buti cant fae going back. I cant get another job, for one ive walked out of two due to this, me. And secondly i et bad IBS and i cant face going to the loo...were i am is very close to home so i nip out 'for food, the post office' etc as im so embarrassed. I cant do that in another job. Ive tried meds for it but they havnt worked, i know its probably due to how ive been feeling but im scared it wont go away. I know in reason i am making it worse, but anyone feeling this way will know its not so easy to put it to the back of your mind.

I feel like there is no point. Ive been like this sinse primary school and im 20 now. Nearly half my life...up and down, better then bad. I dont feel like i can do it for another 20 years, which only makes me 40...and that isnt even old.

Im sorry i know no one has the answers but i really need some support before i do something really stupid, which i know isnt far off happening. And they will lock me up and i think if they did i would just end it i couldnt face it. Being labelled a loony tune because of it by people who dont understand. I couldnt live like that but thats what they are onabout doing, theyve been calling every other day to see how i am.

Sorry its so long well done if you read it all, and if not please help anyway i need to see blood and feel pain and im sick of crying i dont know what to do anymore. Im sorry.

[Pierrot]

That does sound like a nasty situation; under that kind of stress, it's no wonder you aren't feeling well. *hug* Is it possible to have someone back you up at work? Would a friend be willing to drop in and check up on you, or perhaps spend part of the day with you so that you have some kind of support? As for your dad, do you have any sort of outside assistance there? Maybe your counselor would be able to give you some ideas, or at least act as a go-between?

It is hellishly hard, but please try the best you can to take care of yourself. Take fullest advantage of the professional support you have, as well; it sounds like you could certainly use someone to take up for you. I'm sorry I'm not a lot of help...if you need someone to talk to, my inbox is always open, and I'm glad to listen if that will help.

[fuzzy_sweets]

Hi I dont really know what to say but I would like to say WELL DONE for hanging there so far! It sounds asthough you have been under an incredible amount of preasure and it's very admirable that you have made it through. You may have messed up a bit but I belive you can get through this though.
It sounds asthough your dad is being very unreasonable and it's not very fair how he is treating you. You are MORE than entitled to take sick leave and it sounds astho you need to start putting yourself first sweetie.
If ever you need to let off steam or talk to some one you are more than welcome to PM me. I hope that this helps