Triggering (Suicide) - + ed and substance trigs. (*updated in last post*)
Less than 2 weeks till I have to hand in 4 essays and a 10,000 word dissertation, none of which are even half way done, and I'm spending my days high, obsessively watching episodes of Lost, colour co-ordinating and counting my food before eating it - I'm bingeing till I almost throw up - and contemplating suicide. Five years of work, two years over normal, and I'm going to fail again. I'm hallucinating too. I keep hearing someone downstairs and earlier I saw a small grey demon on the bedpost.
This has to be more than Asperger's.
Last edited by TouchVanDerBoom : 20-08-2007 at 06:12 PM.
The combination of getting high, disordered eating, and stress can cause hallucinations/hearing things etc. It happens to me quite a bit, especially when I'm already feeling really rubbish. I'd tell a professional. Do you have a care worker (or something similar) for your Aspergers? (not sure if it's the same everywhere - a friends brother has a care worker to help him out with stuff). They may try and put you on medication for the hallucinations if it happens often, but make sure they know you get high - some meds when mixed with drugs give awful side effects.
Good luck, and keep something nearby to hold onto/concentrate on if you feel hallucinations coming on
Love, Rachy xxxxx
Are we demented or am I disturbed?
The space that's in between insane and insecure...
Thanks you guys. *hugs* The hallucinations and paranoia are probably caused by the incredible stress I have in my life right now. I don't have a careworker yet as I have only just begun the diagnosis process. I do have my therapist though and I'll talk to her about getting high and the hallucinations. She can't medicate me though, I'd have to see a GP for that and for that I will wait till I move house next month. I've been doing the work though so that's progress.
As for the essays and disertations, have you tried to mind map stuff? I find that helps to get everything out that I think I might need to put into an essay, and then I can get it in to a logical order. The main problem i have with essays is how to start..... This essay is about....... sounds really boring to me!
What are yours about? Maybe we can help!
Take care
Lozx
You don't have to be a monkey to recognize a banana!
Thank you two so much, I really needed to hear that today.
I have just woken up and am completely panicked. I don't know where I'll be living in 2 weeks time, my mum is on my back about that 24/7 when I should be concentrating on my work, and we've run out of money. Literally. We're eating pasta and tinned tomatoes every meal. We have bread but nothing to put on it. We've got about 50p and that has to last till Friday. The house is a tip, it's disgusting. And to top it off I missed my appointment with my therapist. Now I have to wait till Wednesday and have 3 appointments on that day. We haven't any money for petrol so I'll have to walk, it's like 4 miles there and back. And I was supposed to get library books today, for my work.
The 10,000 word dissertation is on my own chosen subject: Angela Carter and the Marquis de Sade: The Plausibility of Sadeian Feminism. I have about 6,000 words to go. Two of the essays are on the British Postmodernist Novel and two are on Masculinities in the 19th and 20th Centuries. They all have to be about 2,000 words each. I haven't started them. The hand in date, the extension deadline I had to officially appeal for, is in 7 days.
hunni...you are such a strong and amazing person!!!! you really do give me hope and inspiration. you have so much on your plate but you still manage to be supportive. and honestly, if i had all that going on, i wouldnt know which way was up. i really admire you and have complete faith that you will succeed. you are a trooper and a survivor.
much much love
xx
Things are better today. Matthew sold one of his guitars so we had breakfast from Macdonalds and some nice chocolates. After a few hours of sleep today I sat up in bed and made a serious start on my dissertation. I'm still rushed but totally organised now. The weed is helping me sleep but I'm laying off it while I actually do the work, to concentrate.
One thing that is bothering me sooooo much is that my ex, who I was with for 5 years and left for Matthew, has met someone else. I'm so hurt by it. I cry in secret over it. I miss him but we weren't happy together and I only loved him like a brother but boy do I love him. He looked after me and made me safe. Matthew has never done that. I'm so sad.
*snuggles Rach'* Ta Thanks for the confidence in me chocostashchick. I can do it!!!
I've been working on my dissertation all night and have 4,000 words now. 6,000 to go!! (I know I said that before but it was actually only just 3,000 words done then) Unfortunately I have those 4 essays to do too but this is all starting to seem quite do-able - yay!
When I saw my therapist she asked if she could hug me. I let her and she hugged me really tight. I had been emotional in the session for the first time ever in front of a health professional. She really cares and looks out for me and I was telling her how muh that means to me. But I felt weird after the tearfulness and the hug, like I'd lost something or shown a weakness, a slight unsafe feeling. I don't like allowing people to get close to me. My dissertation supervisor, who is an amazing woman, also hugged me today and told me she admired me. I now have the feeling of uneasiness two-fold but I have no time to indulge these feelings now, I have to work, work, work.
My dissertation is at 4,088. I have 4 more essays to do, adding up to about 12,000 words I have to write before 4pm on Monday. I am working and trying and being really good, despite distractions like my boyfriend being an asshole, my ex messing me about and my mother telling me I'm a lost cause. I WILL DO THIS.
6,500 words in the bag. I have to finish the dissertation tonight, that's another 2,500 words at least. Then tomorrow I have 4 shorter essays to write which add up to 7,000 words. ARRGGH! I have 38 hours till I hand it all in and I have to sleep some time...
I caved and went to bed. Didn't finish the dissertation. I sent it to my supervisor for pointers and slept. Now I'm up and while I wait for her reply I'm doing two of the essays. Then when the dissertation comes back I'll complete that. There's no way I can finish it all. I am freaking out but I can't let myself until I finish the work. Last night as soon as I got into bed I burst into tears, I'd been fine all day, keeping it together, but then I cracked. My boyfriend held me. Then I got high and had a bowl of Weetabix to calm me down. Both took their effect and after talking for a while I slept. Now it's the final hour and I'm so scared. This time tomorrow it will all be over.
!!!!!YAY!!!!!
I DID IT!
Well, I did half of my work but I got the dissertation done and that's what matters. My tutor says not to worry about the other stuff, she's working on what can be done. Now I'm going to have MacDonalds and watch the season finale of Lost I'd saved till this moment.
Thanks for the confidence in me chocostashchick. I can do it!!!
