this is not a way to live

[CagedBird]

I'm guessing lots of people will identify with this just by reading around some of the threads on here....

But do you ever get periods when you realise how bad everything really is?

I have always been quite good at covering up my pain....almost to the point where I can't even feel it. You'd think this'd be a positive thing but it can be truly terrifying to cut yourself and not know why. Often I feel as though someone else takes over my body.....

But. It is worse though to feel the pain. A lot worse. Which is why I try my hardest not to. Although I am learning that the only way to recovery is to feel. It is a terrifying prospect.

My therapist has been saying for several months we should up our sessions from 1x per week to 2x per week, and this session she threw in 3x per week. I know this is what i need, but there are so many things to consider. I'm terrified of feeling the pain. Terrified. But i don't want to live life as I am now, half dead.

Plus I wouldn't know how to say yes to the extra sessions. I cannot put myself out there. I do trust her (wow can't believe i just wrote that!! go me!!!) but i'm still scared. When she leaves for holidays or goes away, it'll hurt beyond belief. Do i really want to put myself through that much pain??

I'm scared of myself. That makes no sense to me.

I have no idea what this thread is about, just needed to write. Having to dampen the pain tonight with alcohol. This is not a way to live.

[Sigma]

you're right, it is no way to live! I'm scared so much of the time too, and not sure why... but it's great you trust your therapist, scary as it is, I think you already know you need to go through this and get to the other side. There is another side, and it is possible to get to it... take care

[littlemermaid]

I know what you mean! I trust my therapist SO much, i feel like i cant make it through life without her. last year I boosted from 1x a week to 2x, i was ng scraed to see her more cause i was worried it would make leaving her even harder. Im not gonna lie, i am having a huuge problem with leaving her(when i graduate in the spring ill be leaving her) but im still glad i went to see her more.

and yes vacations and holidays are hard. going from seeing someone 2x to not at all is super scary, but the extra time with the therapist will help andthosebreaks will eventually get easier