Why I'm here...

[SilentSoul]

Oh gosh...where to begin...at the beginning I guess..it's taken me a while to even think through what the hell to say to a bunch of strangers...

I would like to point out that although grieving..im not *over the edge* or something similar..Ive got a grip on most of my emotions...

I guess Im just trying to understand and make sense of my world right now because it just doesnt make sense to me at all...

I had been on various Anti-depressants following something that happened within my family 10 years ago...it overtook my life for a long time..and then in 2007 3 massive blows to my heart kinda made me take stock of my life and where it was going..and that I needed to begin to live again...it was a very long hard road...June 22nd 2007 my best friend died suddenly in her sleep...totally unexpected...and just as I was beginning to even come close to understanding why at the age of 33 she was taken so cruelly..on August 19th 2007 my brother suffered a stroke aged 37..which left him paralysed on the left hand side and reliant on a wheelchair...October 10th 2007 aged 54...my Mums brother was diagnosed with prostate cancer....they say things come in three's and boy did this lot knock us all for 6...

I figured that I had to change my life...I had to get better so that I could be there both emotionally and physically for my family..anti-depressants dont always fix the things you need them to..May last year I became totally clean from the Anti-d's..sadly on May 23rd 2009 my Mum's brother passed away...leaving his daughters and 2 grandchildren he would never see grow up...he was 56...

It ripped us all apart...and we slowly rebuilt our lives...my parents and my Mum especially...had my brothers welfare to deal with...their lives revolved around him...when they were visiting..when to plan mealtimes so they could go see him...etc..etc...

4 days...(weds 24th)...my parents and my son went to a fund raising quiz night in the care home where my brother lived...

My brother had epileptic fits and recently had only just come out of hospital following a particularly bad one...during a quick 5 min teabreak during the Quiz..my brother suffered another seizure...so they took him away...to do the necessary for him...only this time...he never made it back out of this one...the ambulance crew were trying to bring him back for 50 minutes...but he was gone...there was nothing they could do...he was 39 years old...

When he first became ill...I had resigned myself to the fact he was never going to live much beyond his 50's ...but I wasn't ready to lose him like this...not this soon...and I just want him back so badly...my parents have gone to pieces...I have to keep strong for them..but inside im just breaking...I dont want to go back to the doctor or go back on anti-d's to get through this...i fought so long and hard so that I could be there...and I was...

Right now im just hurting so bad...im sorry for rambling on...but im sick of hearing already...the *are you ok?* questions...and *time will heal* ..and * we have to just get on with things* crap....we were just getting over losing my mums brother 9 months ago...I wasnt ready to say goodbye to mine as well ....

[Sigma]

No wonder you're feeling pretty bad, that's a lot for anyone to deal with. Is there anyone supporting you professionally? a counsellor/psychologist or similar? of course you can't 'just get on with things', you need to work out a new way forward

[Merc]

^^agrees
Would you consider grief couns? It might help being with ppl who really understand.
Am so sorry for your losses.
xxx

[jonikd]

wow, that's a huge amount of grief for one person, you poor thing. *hugs* As Romp and Tok have said you really need some support. I have recently gone through the loss of a close relative and until I got some counselling things were very dark, and that's only one!

Its a slow process, and no quick fix that I've found. Are you back on the meds? Although sometimes we don't want to go back, for the short term they can help a lot. I'm back on them after 15 years off, and whilst I was reluctant I'm thankful for them now.

Be gentle with yourself, keep talking, we're all listening.
Joanie