Triggering (SI/ED) - Some poetry & artwork. Comments? :)
I don't think these poems are any good, they were written purely in the spur of the moment as an attempt to get rid of my negative emotions and get rid of my urges to cut. They were written a good few years ago when I was about 13 and I only just dug them out of a dusty box under my bed :) I just thought I'd share :) if anyone has any ideas on how I can improve my style/language etc please leave a comment and let me know, as I really would love to get better at poetry writing :)
Concido (To Fail)
A million pale lines,
Wrist to shoulder,
Shoulder to wrist,
All the way up,
All the way down.
I trace them with my fingertip,
Every single one.
Each is a reminder
Each a "note to self",
To not be so stupid next time.
So sick of feeling like this
Night and day
Every waking moment
And every dreaming hour.
Sick of feeling so useless,
So hopeless,
So lost,
So damn inadequate.
Desperate for a moments relief,
Just a little release.
So,
Here's the choice,
March straight on,
Or back right down.
Give up,
Or be strong.
So what do I do?
I ignore every pale line, that's what,
Each one etched into my skin.
I reach for that blade aga.
That tiny inanimate object I've come to hate so much.
That tiny inanimate object I've relied upon for so long.
For a moments peace of mind
The price of innocence must be paid.
Blood drips,
Tissues litter the floor, stained red.
With each drip of blood a tear is close behind.
Stupid, stupid girl.
Victim
She's trying to stop,
Not that you'd know.
For angry streaks of scarlet are slashed across her skin.
She's wanting more but she's too scared.
Too scared that she won't stop,
That she won't hold back,
That she'll slip slowly away fromt his life.
She wants to keep cutting till she's covered,
Covered in tangles of bleeding, throbbing lines.
She needs to stop,
But she's addicted.
Once a razors best friend,
Always it's victim.
Feelings
Age 11
Needing help,
Unable to process these feelings.
Feelings of anger,
Feelings of hate,
Feelings of loneliness dished up on a plate,
Feelings of emotional agony,
Ripping at my insides,
Turning them black.
Needing help yet unable to cry out.
Pain pressing in,
Needing release,
Pain pressing in,
Fighting it's way out,
Pain pressing in,
tood hard to bare,
Pain pressing in,
I need it to go,
Pain pressing in,
To release it's hold,
Pain pressing in,
Suffocating,
Blurring,
Crushing,
Drowning.
Battles
Angry red wounds all over,
Wrist to shoulder,
Knee to hip.
A criss-cross tapestry of painful reminders
Twinging when I move.
"You're weak"
They would say
If they could talk.
Oh if only they could talk,
The stories they'd tell
Of hurt
And loss
And pain.
Scars now remain from battles fought,
And battles lost.
[IMG]file:///C:/Users/Geoffrey/AppData/Local/Temp/moz-screenshot-4.jpg[/IMG]
1. I did this picture of V this morning while watching the film. I only saw it for the first time last week but it had a huge impact on me and it's shot right into Top 10 favourite films of ALL time :)
2. Love in a Mug :) again just a cutsie drawing, not sure if you can see it on the scan but I made the steam go up and round into a heartshape :) I'm such a huge softie lol.
3. The "Fruitful Contemplation..." one is just me being a bit weird :) the picture kind of represents my mind in a lot of ways. The snail is one of the few things I ever doodle absent mindedly. No idea why but it is! The little black box is where I keep my secrets and the real me. The house is MY house, where I grew up, the place I feel safest and most at ease. J is the person I love more than anything. Love is the most important thing in the world to me. I used bright colours because they make me happy :)
Sitting here alone in my room,
a razorblade clasped in my hand,
feeling the oh so familiar smoothness
the coolness of it on my skin,
the fragile strength of it.
My friend,
my poison.
Should I again,
take it to my arm
drag it across,
release the grief?
Or put it down,
put it away,
Maybe for another day
but for now,
out of sight,
out of mind?
My choice has come,
far too logically for my twisted mind,
far too sanely for my insanity.
I ask myself what do I want,
my answer is so unclear.
My escape
my release
my relief.
Or my hate
my pain
my love.
Shall I bend or shall I break?
Shall I grow weak or shall I grow strong?
Shall I fall or shall I stand tall?
The choice is mine and mine alone.
Let go of the hate or let go of the pain?
Maybe just 1, or 10, or 20?
I run it lightly across my skin,
hard enough only to scratch.
It's then that I know.
Inside me I am strong,
Inside me I have hope,
Inside me I can beat this,
Inside me I decide,
Inside me I have love.
Tonight is the night I hold myself tall,
Tonight is the night I pray for a better tomorrow,
Tonight is the night I lay down my knife,
Tonight is the night I start up my fight,
Tonight is the night I win not lose,
Tonight is the night I whisper, "for you".
If only you knew
Just how much I love you.
What You Are To Me...
You are the rain
You are the sunshine
You are the rainbow
You are my pot of gold
You are my diamond in the rough
You are my gift from God himself
You are the waves crashing into me
You are the lifeboat to pull me from the sea
You are my touch
You are my hope
You are my love
You are my faith
You are my trust
You are the sweetshop and I am the kid
You are my heart
You are my inspiration
You are my goodness
You are my light
You are my eyes when I lose sight
You are the hand pulling me through the dark
You are my drive
You my passion
You are why I strive
You are why I feel so lost
You are my home
You are my comfort
You are my question
You are my answer
You are my conscience
You are my butterflies
You are my nerves
You are my skipped heartbeat
You are my pain
You are my solace
You are my sorrow
You are my hurt
You are the bursting in my chest
You are my choice
You are my imagination
You are my life
You are my everything
But you aren't mine.
Hope
You tell me I must have hope
Otherwise I wouldn't be here.
You're right,
It's true.
I have hope alright,
And my hope is you.
It's in your eyes,
It's in your smile,
It's in the way you laugh,
It's in the way you hold me,
It's in the way you wipe my tears away,
It's the way you make me smile
When all I do is frown,
It's in the way you say you love me,
That tone of voice you use.
It's in the way you touch me,
It's in your very heart.
For my hope is in my love
And my love is in your heart.
Thanks for reading everyone, these poems are very personal to me so please don't bash them too harshly, I know they aren't very good :(
Last edited by FakeSmiles : 28-02-2010 at 08:14 PM.
Reason: Spelling mistakes :(
These are similar to the poetry I wrote some years ago. I found it a great release/expression and it wasn't really about the talent at all. Did it help you?
And they're not awful at all! The more I write (and I am no expert) the more I find I get better at it. My head comes up with more interesting perspectives, words, phrases and ways of looking at things.
Good stuff.
x
The Mole was bewitched, entranced, fascinated. By the side of the river he trotted as one trots, when very small, by the side of a man who holds one spell-bound by exciting stories; and when tired at last, he sat on the bank, while the river still chattered on to him, a babbling procession of the best stories in the world, sent from the heart of the earth to be told at last to the insatiable sea.
Wind in the Willows.
I love, also, how you have drawn things that are special/personal in some way to you.
The Mole was bewitched, entranced, fascinated. By the side of the river he trotted as one trots, when very small, by the side of a man who holds one spell-bound by exciting stories; and when tired at last, he sat on the bank, while the river still chattered on to him, a babbling procession of the best stories in the world, sent from the heart of the earth to be told at last to the insatiable sea.
Wind in the Willows.
i think you are very good at writing. the poems are very descriptive and expressive. and the artwork is beautiful. the poems helped me when i was feeling the urge. i hope you beat this. because i know you can.
I mix the cement,
A grain of sand at a time.
Churning it to perfection.
Into it I pour my love,
Your’s as well as mine.
I stir in my passion and strength,
My kindness and my loyalty.
I mould each brick in turn,
One by one I craft them,
Sure for the perfect fit.
I start to lay the foundations,
Deeply set I place them.
I measure twice and cut only once.
Brick by brick I start to build,
I use cement to bind them.
Strong as any castle or fort.
Up and up I pile them,
Sturdy as this earth.
I tile my roof with precision and care,
Cover the gaps so the cracks don’t show.
I plant flowers in my garden,
From these my family grow.
With their support and their love
They make my garden beautiful.
I plant a great big willow tree,
And from this my friends grow and sway.
With their laughter and their loyalty they help me grow in strength.
I plant a very special rose,
Just outside my door.
I label this one simply,
I label it “My Love”.
Every time I take the blade to my arm
I’m afraid.
Every time I hate myself a little more.
With every slice I make
I cut away a piece of me.
I make a cut,
It’s my faith that’s first to break.
Another cut,
It’s my trust that shrivels and dies.
Another cut,
It’s my love this time to perish.
Another cut,
More self-loathing is setting in.
Another cut,
My self-worth bleeds away.
Every time I cut away a piece of me.
I’m so very afraid now.
If things get better some day,
What will be left of me?
If he accepts that he loves me some day,
What will be left of me to love?
If he wants me back some day,
What will I have left to give him?
An empty shell,
A broken reflection,
A distorted interpretation of myself?
He deserves so much more.
This is what I fear.
With every cut I ebb away.
I don’t want this,
I want to be me,
I want to be free,
I want to hold on
And not get lost.
I really wish you were here,
I wish I didn’t have to fear
Myself,
Or what I’m going to lose,
Or what I will become
When all of this is over.
These are similar to the poetry I wrote some years ago. I found it a great release/expression and it wasn't really about the talent at all. Did it help you?
And they're not awful at all! The more I write (and I am no expert) the more I find I get better at it. My head comes up with more interesting perspectives, words, phrases and ways of looking at things.
Good stuff.
x
Thankyou Droplet :) I've noticed I've been improving a little the more I write, I'm not sure how noticeable it is in the finished product lol but I can feel it when I write :)
I do definitely gain some kind of release from writing these, I've always found it much easier to communicate my feelings if I write them down so this is kind of a natural outlet for me :) so yes, it's definitely helping me keep my head a bit saner. Do you still write any poetry? A lot of people sort of lose their love of it, I hope that's not the case for you!
i think you are very good at writing. the poems are very descriptive and expressive. and the artwork is beautiful. the poems helped me when i was feeling the urge. i hope you beat this. because i know you can.
Thankyou so much wolfspirit :)
I'm really glad they have helped you, knowing that kind of makes writing them all worthwhile :) *hugs* we can both beat this, and one day we WILL :)
My PM box is ALWAYS open, so don't be afraid to drop by and say hello :)
Religious poem, if you are anti-Christian you may want to skip this one :)
He is
He is in the rain,
feel Him cleanse your skin.
He is in every Autumn leaf,
tread carefully for you tread on Him.
He is in the Spring tree blossom,
gaze with love for you gaze upon Him.
He is in you, and me, and everyone,
so show respect and kindness,
show your love for Him
by showing His love to others.
He is in the rippling waves of corn and wheat,
His beauty is there for all to see.
He is in the warm, brown earth,
watch Him trickle through your fingers.
He is in every sunbeam,
see Him bursting through the clouds?
He is in you, and me, and everyone,
so show some love and loyalty,
show your love for Him
by showing His love to others.
He is the colours of the rainbow,
see how He paints the sky.
He is in the very grass we walk upon,
feel His gentle brushing touch.
He is in every childs smile,
see the innocence He's bestowed.
He is in you, and me, and everyone,
so show consideration and support,
show your love for Him
by showing His love to others.
He is the wind that whips around you,
feel His strength and power.
He is in your very fingertips,
touch with kindness and you touch through Him.
He is in the air you breathe,
feel Him give you life.
He is in you, and me, and everyone.
Last edited by FakeSmiles : 02-03-2010 at 01:41 AM.
Reason: Decided to change a line
Sorry if this is kinda crap, I wrote in the heat of the moment when I was trying to control urges.
I Want Doesn't Get
I want to burn
I want to bleed
I want to cry
I want to scream
"Someone save me!"
Can't you save me?
please I beg you.
I want to burn
I want to bleed
I want to cry
I want to tear my heart out
"You betrayed me!"
Can't you save me?
Please I beg you.
I want to burn
I want to bleed
I want to cry
I want to be free to love you
"I love you can you not see?"
Can't you save me?
Please I beg you.
I want to burn
I want to bleed
i want to cry
I want to take back the dreadful lie
"That was fake this is real please oh please believe me"
Can't you save me?
Please I beg you.
I want to burn
I want to bleed
I want to cry
I want to make you believe
"It'll never happen again I swear on my own life"
Can't you save me?
Please I beg you.
Last edited by FakeSmiles : 30-03-2010 at 10:58 PM.
Just some more poetry type stuff I've written. I swear my writing is getting worse the more i write now :( so I apologise for this in advance.
Hey Little Bird
Hey Little Bird there you are,
Bound and tied in a cage,
A cage that you made.
Try and beat your wings Little Bird.
Break the ties that hold you.
Stretch your wings Litle Bird,
Reach them out wide and you can fly.
Fly little Bird,
Find bluer skies to roam.
Escape the thunder and the rain.
Go on little Bird, you're finally free.
Sitting and Waiting
I'm feeling so confined,
Trapped inside this mad mad mind.
Controlled by my fear,
Alone in my nightmare.
I fear my own company,
I know I cannot be trusted.
So I sit and I wait,
Feel the guilt and shame
Wash all over me.
Dirtying my skin,
I have to rid this sin.
My flesh it tingles,
Seems to crawl upon my bone.
Begging for ametal kiss
To soothe the ache
To scratch the itch
To wash the hurt away.
So I sit and I wait,
I wait for it to pass.
Putting off my long overdue sleep.
Alone in my room I am unsafe.
Is this what it's like to be strong?
Not a poem, just thoughts in my head...
So very angry all the time,
Why can I not be better?
Why can I not be perfect?
Why can I not be pretty?
Why can I not be beautiful?
Why can I not be thin?
Why can I not be breathtaking?
Why, why, why?
Why me?
Why do I have to be so fat?
Why do I have to be so ugly?
Why does my hair feel thin and limp?
Why does my belly bloat and disgust me?
Why do my thighs expand every moment?
Why do my arms spread against my sides?
I just want to be pretty.
Shut the **** up I'm not ****ing beautiful you liar!
Fat. Ugly. Useless. Pointless. Worthless. Disgusting. Revolting. Sickening. ****. Waste. Monstrous. I hate you. Scarred. Unloveable. Imperfect. Broken
This is something I just wrote up, I began thinking of it on the bus home today when I almost started crying, hence the reference. It's about my state of my mind, my defensiveness and how unwilling I am to let anybody in and see me for the real me, the way I think it's the way I have to be because it's what my head tells me, but towards the end my heart starts wondering if it's really what is best. That's kind of an overview of the whole thing :)
Don't Let Them See
Come on little girl,
Hold your head up high,
Don’t ever let them see
It drop.
Pick those shoulders up,
Don’t let em fall.
Can’t let them see.
Come on little one,
Gotta keep it holed up
Tight inside like a bottle,
A bottle of fizzy pop,
All shook up.
Keep it all inside little one,
Don’t ever let them see
How you’re just a little volcano inside,
Ready to explode.
Keep it close,
Keep it nice and tidy,
Tuck it away so they won’t see.
Don’t ever let them see.
The hurt that hides behind your eyes,
The pain that sleeps beneath your lies.
No no
Don’t ever let them see.
Cover it up,
Hide it away,
Brick it up,
Lock it inside.
Stiffen that upper lip girl,
Don’t let them see
The tremble in your heart,
The tremor in your words.
Swallow those tears back honey,
You’re on the bus.
Can’t ever let them see.
Swallow the tears back
To burn a hole in your throat.
Gotta be strong girl,
Gotta hold onto your dignity.
Don’t ever let them see you,
Don’t let them see how badly you’re broken.
Hide yourself from the world sweetie,
You’re on your own in this.
Don’t let them see.
Don’t ever let them see.
You’re strong enough to fight this see?
All on your own,
All alone.
No one can help you here hunny,
Give it up.
No use hoping for a savior so just give it up.
Hold yourself tall love,
You’re on your own.
You can never let them see you.
Right?
I cried whilst writing this because it's full of truth straight from my heart.
Memories
Your words sting the sweetest pain,
Your stolen kisses in the rain
Will always and forever be with me.
I’ll forever remember your tears on my cheek,
How beautiful they felt,
So warm and true.
The luxury I felt
With you curled around my back,
Your hand in my hand,
Fingers intertwined.
Soft little mumblings of protest
If I ever let them part.
Broken words of honesty in the dark,
Beautiful sweetness in pain.
You’re lips melt my skin,
And send delicious shivers down my spine.
Skin on skin,
Feeling the warmth and the softness of you.
You’re so very beautiful,
My darling boy.
I want to get lost in you,
To be in your arms,
To feel your lips on mine.
Just to get so beautifully, utterly lost
And just love you.
Life came and stole you away my dear,
Took you to a place I don’t think I can ever reach,
Not by car nor boat nor plane.
I stretch my fingers out,
As far as they can go.
But you’re always just too far.
“Too late”,
The words create an echo in my heart,
Bounce off the walls and reverberate,
Sounding again and again.
Too late too late too late.
The first time you came over my love,
I was so nervous.
But those beautiful hours we spent together,
That bound us and I knew it was true.
I loved you from the off.
So many days spent together,
It’s hard to tell them apart.
But I do remember the little things,
Like your beautiful innocence my angel,
The most precious thing I keep.
Just a handful of photographed memories,
Remind me it was real.
Lying in the darkness,
Talking for hours about everything and nothing.
The way I used to kiss you gently,
When you had those horrible dreams,
How they would stop your struggling and calm you.
How you would, and still, hold onto me,
Like I’m a life raft and you’re drowning.
Snow drifted and fell,
Heaped itself and spread.
We ran, we laughed, we threw snowballs.
I felt true happiness then,
For the first time in my life.
It bubbled and exploded inside me.
I was yours and you were mine
And nothing else seemed to matter.
Kissing in the snow
As our noses turned to ice.
Hot chocolate with cream and marshmallows,
Warm bread from the oven.
These memories I shall never lose or let be forgotten.
They’re locked up safe in my heart,
Forever. Forever.
I promised I’d always love you,
And even though I’m stupid,
Even though I made mistakes,
Even though I ruined everything,
Even though I hurt you enormously.
Not a word of that was a lie.
I will always love you my darling, sweet boy.
Only now it will be in anger and in pain,
In loss and jealousy.
But I’ll love you all the same.
Because love like this never dies.
