Triggering (Sexual Abuse) - I saw someone bad today, and now I feel crap. *also ED a bit maybe?*
I saw a kid I used to play with today called Rebecca - some of you will know the story. To cut a long one short she used to do/make me to sexual stuff when I was a kid and yeah.
I feel ****. I feel dirty. I feel ashamed. I feel like I'm second hand goods and I hate myself.
I'd normally be pigging out on the nearest chocolate bar right now to try to make myself feel better [it works for about a second, but that's better than nothing] but I'm on a strict crash diet and i WILL stick to it. No, I am not starving myself, or anything like that, it's a diet everyone knows about/has heard of and I'm only doing it for the week. I HATE being so ****ing fat. Not that you'd know it to look at me. Well, you'd see the fat. But you wouldn't see how ****ing unhappy I am. If I'm busy or with someone that gives a **** about me I'm fine. But one of the few people that does give a **** isn't here any more, and I don't know when I'll next see him.
Exam results this time next week. I'm bricking it.
I just wish there was something about my physical appearance that was nice. I have a HUGE bum, HUGE thighs, flabby belly, shitty breasts, fat face, veiny/muscle-pokes-out-of-them feet... My lower arms/hands which actually aren't that fat are ****ed up with scars...
I'm so alone. I feel rejected and abandoned and although I KNOW I haven't been, I can't stop the feeling.
Hey Chels,
Sounds like youre not having a good day...
Rebecca is in your past, you were a child. You are not dirty, you're wonderful :)
I think we all struggle with our appearance, noone is truly happy with themselves. Personally..I even cover up the mirrors in my room. Just remember that you are beautiful- i can promise you that noone is as critical of you, than you are. We are our own worst enemy. I always talk about the skinny demons...but one of my friends said that they are 'very stupid because they always get the wrong people'.
Take care, Miriam xxxx
hmm do you think that it might be possible to talk to Rebecca?
The thing which concerns me the most, is how any child that age would know how to do those sort of things. Kids that age learn from example, they copy what they have seen. My guess is she was probably copying from example.
Now this in no way makes what she did any better, however, in her mind at the time, this would only be the same as playing house, or chase. I am sure that now, when she looks back on it with an adult mind, she also feels guilty.
It was not something either of you knew any better about. At that age neither of you knew what was going on, you did not know the thingsit would lead to. Whilst you had never experinced it before and felt some guilty/remorse at the time, if she had seen it happen elsewhere, she would not have felt this.
Again I will stress that this in no way makes things right. However, I cant help but wonder if maybe talking to her about your past experince could help bring you some closure. Some way of knowing or proving, that you where not at fault. That it was done by example, as oppossed to "being dirty" as you put it.
In the long run, you need to find clousure. Sure it is possible to move on from things without dealing with them, however, at this point, I think you need to deal with it first.
You need to find your own way of knowing that you are not dirty. Then maybe you can move on from it.
