I like to help others, but lately so much has just gone wrong or overwhelmed me I feel like I'm drowning. I posted before but I didn't post the full story, so here goes nothing...warning if you're easily triggered please don't read.
Well I'm now 20, and I've been self-harming in some way or another since I was about 6. I have been able to keep it at bay with only one relapse in 4 years.
When I was 5 and in kindergarten, the other kids didn't like me. I don't know why, they all picked on me and bullied the hell out of me. They constantly called me names and I was left out of every group activity held. I was the last one picked for everything, even if the teachers were around. I went all the way through 6th grade with no friends, being ridiculed and humiliated every day of my life. I hated myself because everyone else did, so why not? I was self-harming by age 7 and depressed, I didn't eat much, had nightmares every night and made a little world for myself. Because of this, I have a social phobia. I hate meeting new people, and usually size them up and determine whether or not I can kick their a$$. I have an over-developed maternal instinct and hate crowds.
I never told my family how much I hated it there until about 3rd grade and I started getting beaten up regularly, I thought I'd made a friend on the basketball team. So I tried out and made it, when we had a slumber party the girl who I thoguht liked me locked me outside on a balcony all night long in 30 degree weather in my nightgown and panties. I spent most of the night terrified, because I have a phobia about heights, and banging on the window. Eventually they shut the curtains, I was locked outside at 8pm and found at 3am by her parents. My mom, of course, never knew I was so hated at school and raised hell. It only got worse.
In 5th grade, I was an outcast and still had no friends. I was bitter and not wanting to make friends. I spent my classtime drawing or reading, while still acing everything. I was locked in a locker one morning around 9am, by a bully and left there till school let out. The only reason I got out was when I heard the gym teacher locking up, I screamed and she found me. She told me to stop being stupid, but how the f*ck would i lock myself in and put a padlock on the outside of the door after? I now have a fear of small spaces and am extremely claustrophobic.
In 6th grade I gave up, I let my grades drop, I retreated in my little shell and stayed there. I barely passed all my classes and one of the new teachers finally noticed me. She fought to get the bullies punished, but failed like everyone else in my life. My parents moved and decided it was better if i changed schools.
In 7th grade, I was actually excited about a new start. That soon changed as I discovered, swapping from a private school to a public school is a culture shock. Everyone there hated me by default because I came from a Magnet school. So I let my grades drop to their standards and was still made fun of. The uniforms my parents got me were even more hideous than my classmates, the other girls got to wear the nice-fitting pants and tapered shirts while I looked like a box in mine. When gym came my first time "dressing out" all the other girls popped me with towels and yelled at me for "having such a good figure" asking me how I did it. I told them I just hit a gym a few times a week, then I got known as a whore.
I got my first boyfriend in 8th grade, he was a sophmore. We dated about a year and I was in love, he invited me to his house all the time and was really nice to me; then one night his parents weren't there. It didn't strike me as odd because I trusted him, then halfway into AVP, he slid his hand in my pants. I told him no and he kept on, he pushed me to the floor and stripped me down to my bra and panties. I kicked him off me and called my mom, I ran down the street in mid winter at night in a bra and panties until he stopped chasing me. I got dressed in the middle of the street.
When I told my friend what happened at school she beat me up, so much for having a good high school career. I caught my second boyfriend f*cking my other best friend in my bed, and my third's dad moved him away from me. I was so in love with my third that I tried killing myself, I started cutting bad after that. I'd bleed out so bad I passed out in the tub with the door locked and before I lost consciousness I prayed I'd die and that God would just forgive me for this one.
I didn't date again until the summer between my junior and senior year, and I dated this handsome guy who was 6ft4. He told me he'd protect me, he did for awhile. My parents got into it with me one night, I don't really remember how it started...I think my mom brought up my cutting and I called him and grabbed some clothes and my backpack and ran away with him. When I started living with him at 18, I let him take my virginity. Then all he wanted after I came home from school was sex, eventually I told him I couldn't handle sex, he hit me and raped me. Everyday after that until I graduated was a fight.
One night he took me to Dominoes and I met one of his friends, the man was gorgeous. He had shaggy skater hair, brown almost black, one blue eye and one green eye, he was hot! I got this feeling, and something told me "You're going to marry him". So I got his number and we started talking. He came to my boyfriend's parties and saw him hit me when he got drunk or felt like it. We both worked at a Home Depot, and one night he told me," Come with me, I'll protect you". I figured I had nothing to lose. I had been bringing a razorblade to work with me everyday and was cutting at least 50 gashes a day, so I figured, why not. I called my boyfriend and broke up with him, I told him I was sick of being beaten and raped. I got my things out of my car <I lived out of my car, looking for a chance to escape him. I tried running several times...he hospitalized me> and left that night with this new guy.
His name's Daniel, and he kept his word; he protected me and kept me safe at his friend's house where my ex couldn't find me. I was so anxious, I cut constantly. He eventually noticed and started crying. I thought it was over and was about to say f*ck it all and really do it this time, but he just got a cloth and wiped the blood off me. He told me if I didn't want to talk about it that was ok, but he was concerned. Then one night we were laying on the couch watching a movie, I was laying on top of him with my head on his chest listening to his heartbeat. He poked my shoulder and when I looked up at him, he kissed me. I kissed back and wanted him, so I took him to the bedroom we were sharing and we made love.
Nothing changed about our relationship like I thought it would, and I was happy to have actually given him sex instead of someone taking it from me. When we started dating my ex began stalking both of us, calling my phone and telling me where we were and threatening me. I didnt' have the money for a restraining order at the time, so I waited at his house until he got home from work. When he came in, he told me that he knew I'd come crawling back, and that he knew I loved Daniel if I was willing to swap my life for his. I pulled his shotgun from beneath the couch and pointed it at him. I told him if he ever spoke either of our name's again I'd kill him. He laughed and told me that I didn't even know how to load a gun. I blew a hole in his ceiling, he took the hint and has left me alone ever since.
Then Daniel got into a car accident, I didn't have his moms number and the cop told me to watch him. I was in schock, but unhurt since I was in my own car behind his, and took him into the house. I'd just gotten off a double shift <12 hours> and stayed up with him until 4am in the morning. He stopped breathing at 4:30am and I did CPR on him, he barely came back and I rushed him to the ER. About 9am his mother called, and headed us off before we left the hospital. She slapped his glasses off his face and started beating him, I stepped in between them; his dad pried me away and his mom shoved him in the truck with her and sped off.
He called me 2 days later at 2am, and said 3 words," Come get me" I sped down to his parents to find him laying in the driveway in nothing but his boxers and glasses. I picked him up and brought him back to the ER, where they told me he'd overdosed on his pain meds. In other words his mom tried to kill him.
His mom threw him out and sent him to his grandparents' house after he went back to get his stuff, I didn't hear from him for 3 days because she turned his phone off. She threatened to kill me if I went after him. I told her she didn't scare me, and she could try it. Finally, he moved in with me and my uncle. We got married on May 16th of 2009.
His mother tried to ruin us and find me, never succeeding.
There's my background, if you're still with me here's the new update:
Posted awhile back but there's more to it now....
People say that they'll be your friend forever, but then they find out forever is a really long time and they get sick of you. I met my best friend in high school, we bumped into each other and I told her to "watch where she was going" and she called me a bitch, so i called her one back and we giggled. We were inseperable for 9 years, until a few months ago...
I had gotten in a really bad car accident with her in the backseat, I flipped a car at 120mph, and thankfully she wasn't hurt; but I was. I had some severe injuries and head trauma. Doctors said I might change a bit, of course I don't think I have. There's a lot of background information on this subject and I'm sure no one wants to read it all at once so I'll shorten it a bit.
I call her MJ, we got engaged around the same time, we were getting married a month apart, the first hurt was when she told me I wasn't her maid of honor <friends for 8 years>, the second hit was harder when she told me if I had pink highlights I couldn't be in the wedding at all. Well I told her I wasn't dying my hair for one day bc my wedding was fast approaching and she wanted my hair red <doesn't look good on me at all> So we stopped speaking...then we made up before the wedding.
A few weeks ago, she told me that she couldnt' stand it anymore, she told me all the things I've always been afraid of. She told me I was pathetic and worthless, useless, a bad friend, a horrible person and a liar. I was shocked and asked her why she would say such things about me, and she told me that all her other friends congratulated her for "taking out the trash". I got in another bad car wreck, in which I'm still trying to recover, and broke 6 bones...her husband called me and was on the phone with me and told her about my wreck. Her only question was "Is she dead?" when he told her no she said "Pity, now get off the phone with that little whore"
I used to cut a lot and it was bad, I've passed out from blood loss a few times; but when I met MJ we shared the addiction and broke its hold over us...now that she's gone I don't knwo what to do. She keps telling me to move on and make new friends, how do you make a new best friend? I've tried reaching out to a girl called Amber but she never responds and she lives far away, my other friend is rarely around and isn't supportive at all...Someone help please, I don't want to hurt myself anymore, but I can't stand the pain.
She messaged me the other day and told me this
"You are a part of the past now, which I do not plan on revisiting any time soon. Well, once I found out you had gotten into a wreck I started checking your Facebook. I saw you had people talking to you and things and that Daniel was taking care of you. You can't be EXTREMELY bad hurt if you're home and on Facebook and WoW. And I am going to be very honest here. I am sorry if it is something that you don't like."
I CAN'T STAND THIS ANYMORE! I feel like I'm going to mess up again! Someone help....
UPDATE:
I said above that I was in a car accident, well my doctor said I might have to have surgery on my left shoulder. Since he said that I've been very stressed out and urging so bad I can't see straight...I don't know exactly how much longer I can keep this up.
Last edited by lilrenthefox : 14-02-2010 at 05:53 AM.
Reason: UPDATE
I'm sorry you feel so low. You aren't a **** up. You have Daniel who cares about you. Its the others who have a problem, not you. You sound like a really good person and its your friend's loss if she wants to ignore you- not yours. You can get through this and if you slip up a few times- don't beat yourself up. I'm not sure what to say other than if you ever want to talk or vent or anything- I'm happy to listen. Feel free to PM me and I'll listen and try to help where I can. Can you try distracting yourself?
It seems that maybe your friend is feeling a little left out, but I don't think she is in the right. You were in a very serious car wreck, and maybe she's jealous that she wasn't hurt, or maybe guilty.
Either way you've been through a heck of a lot, that's so much for one person to deal with, but you did deal with it. You're still here despite everything that has happened, you should be proud of that. You have your friends, and you have a wonderful boy to take care of you.
Thank you melchior, I feel so lost right now. I constantly think about Self-Harm in one form or another and it's driving me insane...I don't know how much longer I can hold on.
You can do it- you've come this far. I guess if you're still trying to recover you might be stuck inside but if you aren't maybe will getting out of the house help or if you can't maybe reading a book? Can you try wearing a rubberband and snapping the rubberband when you want to SI (just not hard enough to leave a welt or anything). I hope you feel better. :)
If i wore a rubber band I'd snap it till i bled....bad idea for me. I can't get outta the house and I've read about everything I have to read. I feel alone...
I'm sorry you feel alone. I can be a bit of a freak about reading- I read books over and over until they're destroyed. Can you re-read any books or ask someone to bring you a new book? I don't know- I like escaping into books. Is there anything on the computer you can distract yourself with like a game or can you talk to someone online to feel less alone? Maybe writing down what you're feeling or listening to music? Sorry- these aren't very good ideas, I wish I could be more helpful. :/ If you want to talk, I'm here and happy to listen- I wish I could do more. *hugs*
I understand that, sometimes its just nice to feel like there is someone who hears you and cares. Just remember that everyone here cares and is ready to support you in fighting this. Are you feeling any better at all? I wish I knew what else I can say. I have a link to an online puzzle/game thing- would that help distract you? I can try to find the link and post it- I found it vaguely amusing.
Hey, i play alot of WoW also....in a raid right now oO. what character do you have?? im a druid.
Im sorry that you are feeling so bad right now, and it sounds like you have gone through alot in your life. Really dont think you deserve it, but i think it is the other people with the problem not you. dont forget you have Daniel.
From the way people have treated you, and what the stupid bullies have said, it sounds like you are a really clever, attractive and nice person....so i imagine some if it came from jealousy in a way.
It doesnt seem like your friend deserves you because of the things she has said, but i know how hard it must feel to be let down and to feel alone and not know why.
I wish i had a friend like you, because i dont think i have ever had a best friend or someone who i am very close to. I hope that there is something that can make you feel better, you have come so far so please dont give up.
PM if you ever need to talk
Thank you, I think what you posted is the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me. I never forget that I have Daniel it's just that he works so much and he doesn't understand how I feel or why I want to hurt myself. I still have nightmares about my bullies from elementary and to be honest <and I've never told anyone this> but I'm still scared of them to this day. If I ever see one of them I'd probly run.
DWT:
You're a very kind person as well, I thank you for giving me some advice, today's just a bad day and I'm really triggered. I miss her so much, and I know she hates me. It's hard for me to make new friends and I'm reaching out to a new one right now. I'm always paranoid if she says she's going to call and doesn't and I dont' want to seem desperate but I need her here. She's the only person that's ever been nice to me and never let me down.
I'm sorry you feel bad- I really, really wish I knew what I could do or say to make it better. She doesn't deserve you as a friend if she's acting like this. I understand about not reaching out- I have a really hard time making friends and talking to people- thats why I like books so much. Do you have a doctor you can talk to about your nightmares? People can get PTSD or I think its called "battered women's syndrome" from being bullied badly as it sounds like you were. Maybe a doctor could help you with your nightmares? This is going to sound really immature but can you maybe write their names down and rip up the paper or put it on a dart board? You can throw darts at their name- maybe get out some of your feelings. I don't know. Gah, I wish I knew what to say and could just make it better. I'm sorry. :( *hugs* I hope things start to look up.
Having surgery is scary stuff. But don't let that get you down or freak you out. No matter what happens, you are both strong and amazing. You've been through more of life's hardships then most people deal with in a lifetime. And you are still here through it all.
I'm sorry that you had a bad night. But I hope that you are okay and hopefully are asleep. Take care of yourself and don't worry, you never have to be alone.
I'm sorry you've had a bad night. Would taking deep breaths or meditating help? Focus just on your breathing, then focus just on relaxing each muscle group individually starting with your feet and working your way up. Then imagine yourself getting up and leaving- walking to a relxing-soothing place and once you feel ready- walk yourself back and open your eyes. Sounds stupid but sometimes it helps- just make sure to go to a relaxing place and try not to let your mind wander to any painful memories. Just remember, you have daniel and we're here...you aren't alone. Its going to be okay. Will icing your shoulder help? I have a bad hip and when I first hurt it along with my ribs- icing it helped sometimes- sometimes it still does help. I'm sorry, I wish I could be of more help. I hope your okay and asleep now. I'm still here if you want to talk- I wish I could do more. If there is anything I can do, please let me know. *hugs*
Im sorry you had a bad night, i had one too. I like what DWT said, try to do something relxing or meditate, but i know it is so hard to switch of or not let the bad thoughts get to you.
Hope you have sleept and feeling a little better today x
Last edited by NicolaRose : 11-02-2010 at 06:13 PM.
Reason: spelling...
