Triggering (SI) - Grade A screw-up

Dan · 01-02-2010, 08:54 AM

I told Ami I may cut at like 12:30am this morning, and she tried so hard to stop me by talking/trying to distract me till like 1am. And she has her second semester at college this same day too, which is obviously important, so I decide to go read my book for a while to try and distract myself and to let her sleep.

I end up in the toilet cutting my arm. I figure I just won't do it so bad, and it'll be fine. And then I just feel so worthless, and so angry and upset at myself. So I keep going over it. And eventually it's just a gaping mess, and then it starts spurting blood and I panic as It's a vein, so I wake her up at 2. I couldn't even last an hour.

It bled for a while, and we had to call an ambulance as I couldn't afford the taxi fare and was feeling really faint. We need to wait in hospital for over 4 hours.

We only just get in at like 7:30am, and she came with me as I'm in a place where I have no idea where the hospital is/how to get back etc.

I end up getting stitches and I just feel like such a dick.

Ami has missed her day at school as she's had basically no sleep. I don't know how to make it up to her, I've said sorry, but still feel really bad about doing it A, in her bathroom, B, when she tried so hard to stop me, and C, for keeping her awake all night in a stupid hospital.

What can I do to make it up to her, or stop feeling so bad about it? It's stupid, but I feel so bad about it, it makes me want to cut the stitches out. Even though that's the exact opposite to what I should do.

(I think she may end up reading this as my fiancée is a member of RYL, as some may know. If you do read it Ami, once again, sorry. And I'm sorry I'm crap at explaining the whys and hows of my problems. I wish I understood more so I could tell you. I'm sorry about a lot of things. All I can say is I love you, and thanks for putting up with me.)

I am just so ****ing stupid/lame/pathetic/dickish/idiotic. I'm not even worth the eye usage to have this read. I may delete it when I wake up.

Chibi moon · 01-02-2010, 10:20 AM

she sounds like a wonderfull caring friend to do all this for you.
*hugs*your lucky to have her.
Why not write her a letter about how sorry you are and how much you appreacted her caring friendship.if you can why not get her some flowers or a treat to say your sorry,im sure she will not hold this against you and tell you not to be daft.

we all give in to the urges at times*hugs*

Rodolphus · 01-02-2010, 06:28 PM

Hey Dan :)

I don't really know what to say, apart from that Ami loves you, and that's all you need to know. I understand that you feel like a bit of a fool at the moment, but I'm sure she understands and it'll all be okay. She's only missed one day, and I'm sure she can catch up on what she's missed and on her sleep easily, so try not to worry (I know, it's easy for me to say...)

*hugs*
Marie
xx

Heidi Tiger · 01-02-2010, 07:11 PM

Hey Dan,

Have been in a similar situation to you where Luke had to go to A+E with me. And I did feel very guilty afterwards. But ultimately beating yourself up over this isn't going to help either of you. I don't think you have to do anything to make it up to her, but maybe just do something nice like cook her a special meal.

As for how to stop feeling guilty about it, well obviously that's easier said than done. But maybe you could try and think of it as an experience that you have learnt from and don't want to repeat in the future. You've also got to remember that Ami didn't have to go to hospital if she didn't want to, she'll have gone because she cared.

Hope you're both ok.
xxx

Ami · 01-02-2010, 08:37 PM

Heyy.

I agree with what everyones said.

I do love and care for you a lot, although I was upset/worried/angry at the time it is sorted now, and I expect you would do the same if it was me.

<3

Ricky_09 · 08-02-2010, 05:15 AM

Dan oh dan where to i begin....

Well i mean she loves you and i guess in a way you should of just woke her up because i am sure she would of been more then willing to help you through it and everything. I am sure she will forgive you but remember next time either wake her up or if i am on msn, fb or even here come talk to me =)