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Triggering (SI/Substance abuse) - Old habits die hard
Hello RYL, I know I'm not a very active member of our community here atleast not for the past few years, but I kinda don't have anyone I can talk to this about right now so I turn to you for possibly some support and advice. As I've mentioned in the past I have a history a alcohol and substance abuse that directly ties into my physical self injury. Something I have spent years overcoming. Well lately I have been very very nostalgic to an almost sickining point. I have just been dwelling on all the mistakes in my past and how any of the dreams I originally had for my life are never going to happen because I always sabotage my own life. This all stems from a messed up childhood/family life, a unrequited love, and feeling trapped at the moment heading down a path into a life I never wanted and still don't want. Lately this nostalgia has even been bringing back nostalgic feelings and emotions probly due to the vivid memories I have been having. The emotion in particular, a complete lack thereof. I feel a way I haven't felt since highschool/early college, just, empty. There's been so much death and negative energy around me, just one real shitstorm after another,whenever I get things together and try and move my life forward this damn reccession finds another way to screw me out of my hard earned money and put me back into debt. It's gotten to the point where the really ****ed up **** happening in my life such as family members dying recently including my infant cousin and my aunt whom I loved aren't affecting me the way I feel they need to. It's actually hard to shed a tear or even lose a beat in my day over it because I'm just so used to getting screwed over and over and over.Tonight I got off work at the bar I worked at and had some drinks, then went to a friends house where we smoked a bunch of weed,drank alot and took pills I've never heard of called calonopin or something, he said they were like valium or xanax(wich I was prescribed by my psych a few years ago for my panic attacks). Point is I came home afterwards already drunk and high, preceded to smoke more cigs and pot,then told my gf I was gonna take a shower and crushed up the colonopin pills and even some acitominophen(yes I know tylenol and has no effect from snorting it) but it was just so I could have the feeling of snorting something. Also while pretending to take a quick shower I preceded to cut myself in various places, something I haven't done in awhile.When I met my girlfriend years ago she helped me get over my self injury, I had gotten over my drug abuse several months before that and it had stressed me out and made my s.i. worse.Well in the past three years we've been together I've been good about the s.i. only minorly slipping up a few times and not even enjoying it making me feel like I was finally getting over it. But tonight I did it,in a determined concentrated way,an old nostalgic way,and I had the familiar feeling, the one I still remember today.I enjoyed it.And also on the note of the snorted pills a co-worker I sometimes get weed from I have heard a rumor he sells cocaine aswell and this is my old addiction,the one that almost tore apart my life in the past.I dared not even think about getting any from him due to not wanting to return to the old me. But lately I have been thinking back about how easy of a habit it was to hide and how I could get away with it maybe. And specifically tonight,back onto the personal life problems and not liking the direction my life is heading in, I'm starting to think that as an ex drug addict it would be a textbook perfect way to drive my friends and family away from me be letting drugs tear my life apart again,and once I have that distance I can do anything. Kindof like the rock bottom concept, once you've lost everything you are free to do anything. But right now I am having trouble feeling any emotions,anything but trapped,watched,controlled, by a society that boxes me into something I don't ever want to be, but idk if I'd even consider that any type of emotion because it barely registers, I've just lost all sense of caring about anything anymore. Hollow is how I feel. Like a ghost who's not even here.
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