Triggering (SI) - Hate my scars

Lici · 10-01-2010, 05:35 PM

So I wouldnt say Ive recovered but I have currently stopped SI'ing and while thats a big deal for me and my family, for stranges, it wouldnt matter either way as I still have the scars.

I have scars from when I was younger and cut on a daily basis. I have a few particular onces. One on my chest. A very obvious scar and the ones that cover my inner arms. And the ones on my legs are terrible but I never wear shorts. Although, while in the hospital having my girls, the nurses would whisper behind my back about how I had the scars. Nothing was more degrading.

I dont regret actually cutting because it was what was needed at that point in my life but I hate that I scarred so badly. My children's doctors, nurses, people who see me with them constantly give me these horrible stares as if anyone would be a better mother to them as long as it wasnt me.

After all this time, I find that Im still insecure about the very thing I used to do to block out insecure feelings in the first place.

At the same time, I wish people were more kind and wouldnt judge so easily. Shame takes up most of my life anymore. I shouldnt care but Im a very private person and I no longer wear hoddies or long sleeves to cover myself up as to ME, there are no cuts and the scars have faded, to the world, they are very much obvious. I hate being reminded.

mikey · 10-01-2010, 05:45 PM

I'm sorry you still feel that way. I can relate, but over the years I have very much more come to terms with my scars and that fact that it really shouldn't matter what other people think. I know that's easier said than done, though.

For me, what makes it easier is time and learning to ignore other people staring. I swim regularly despite having severe scars on my upper arm and thigh, and at first it was absolutely terrifying. But I barely think about it anymore. The people I swim with don't treat me any differently and I think they barely notice anymore.

I hate to say this and I know it sounds like a cliche, but time helps. It WILL get easier as you come to terms with it more yourself. Mental illness is NOTHING to be ashamed about. It is NOT your fault that you needed this coping mechanism to survive. People who judge without knowing you and without knowing exactly what they are judging are not worth your time. Prejudice is a vile thing.

starseeker · 10-01-2010, 06:01 PM

Have you tried using bio oil or anything to try and reduce the scars? or do you not want to?
i agree with everything mikey said to you. you deserve to be proud of yourself as a mother and for overcoming everything you have.
recently after not SIing for a while i looked at my arm and just wanted to cry cos for the first time i hated my scars. it was horrible. but i dont regret cutting either for the same reasons as you. sorry im not being mega constructive i just thought you deserved to know that id read your post and i care x

Fry · 10-01-2010, 06:02 PM

I just wanted to say I can really relate to how you feel about your SH scars. My legs and arms are covered too and I have a couple on my stomach but am no longer self harming the same as you.
It's difficult. I'm pretty sure I get looked at and treated differently even when I go for a blood test.

xx

vetty · 10-01-2010, 07:06 PM

it does get easier! i have stopped sh for about 5 years, but still have very obvious scars. until about 2 years ago i kept them covered up, even in summer, but now i don't. if people have a problem about it (which to be fair, too many do), it is there problem, not ours. anyone who judges you on them, or treats you differently cos of them, isn't worth being around! no-one at work has ever mentioned mine.