feeling out of it

tamobhuuta · 08-01-2010, 07:09 PM

hi everyone. hope you don't mind my posting. sorry in advance for the length.

i've been feeling a bit out of it, not myself. i have had thoughts of taking an overdose most of the time the past week, less often before that, but the thoughts are always there to some extent. i don't know why i have them, habitual maybe? for good or for bad, any plans to do with that keep getting delayed.

i have exams coming up so i'm probably more nervous about that than i care to admit, pretty normal i guess. i don't know if i'm doing enough revision, but it's the most i can manage with my head like this.

i see a counsellor weekly and after my exams, in a few weeks, i'll see my care-coordinator K, i think for a review type thing. In the meantime i've been using and will continue to use skills i've learned from therapy and from K and from books. They are helping me but i feel quite isolated (probably exacerbated by the snow stopping school).

my mood is very detached, it is hard to care about much, even whether i live or die, though i am forcing myself to do revision because i remember not long ago i wanted to pass my exams and go to uni - i'm in my last year of 6th form.

i've also recently quit SH which is probably making me feel worse.

i am glad of the 'real life' support i have, and my mum knows things are hard at the moment too, which is helping. but this lack of emotion makes me feel cut off and it's getting to me. i don't feel very safe but i know i will get through this.

i could do with some support and encouragement for a while, to get me through this difficult patch. i don't know how long it will last or how hard it will get but anything you say will be a great help to me. even just people saying hello would be lovely :)

thank you for reading this, i apologise again for the length. i hope to be more supportive around the boards soon.

thank you again, thinking of you all

xxx

Sleepless123 · 08-01-2010, 08:22 PM

Hey hun.*Hugs*.im sorry im a bit useless but i read and am sad you feeling so low.

Sounds like your under a lot of pressure at the moment what with the exams and the weather and isolation not helping too.

Just do as well as you can with the exams.i know how hard you work and im sure youll be fine.You can only do your best hun.

im glad you have real life support and that your Mum knows how hard things are.

i know it can still be tough though.

Is there anyone you can call if things get really bad with the overdose thoughts etc again before you next see your counsellor/care co-ordinator?Or anyone you can talk to about feeling so out of it etc?

Well done also for trying to use the skills etc you have learnt previously to get you through.

Sorry all of my reply has probably been no use but please know i/we are all here for you.

xx xx

Cryptic. · 08-01-2010, 08:42 PM

I feel apathetic & empty a lot of the time... I can relate.
It's quite lonely & makes me feel even more worthless & a bad person.

PM me if you ever want someone to talk to about this, or anything else.

You're not alone with this.

tamobhuuta · 08-01-2010, 09:56 PM

thank you both for your replies, and also everyone for the hugs. it means a lot to me.

Quote:

Is there anyone you can call if things get really bad with the overdose thoughts etc again before you next see your counsellor/care co-ordinator?Or anyone you can talk to about feeling so out of it etc?

i am free to call K during the day, and i have the out-of-hours number too. if i am at school and things get too much i might phone but at home there is too much chance of my being overheard. sometimes i talk to my tutor too. she is very kind to me, but i am aware that most things i would say she would need to pass on to keep me safe. i might also try intimating to my mum if things get harder, but i am still getting used to doing that and wouldn't be able to say if i was actually going to do something.

i am finding reasons not to hurt myself but the thoughts are very persistant :)

tamobhuuta · 09-01-2010, 07:11 PM

would it be fair of me to give my tools and pills to my counsellor on monday? or is that asking too much of her? because i wouldn't want her to throw them away, you see, in case i ... needed them, later. would she ever give them back? is it worth even asking?

Cedrus · 09-01-2010, 08:23 PM

I just wanted to say its brilliant you have stopped self harming! That takes real courage. I know the exams will be stressfull, but think about how quick a month or week can go past. Just remember your true intentions and what you really want - to do well in the exams. I hope that I can be here to help and feel free and happy to PM me, I'd tried to be of help in any way possible. I'm pleased you keep delaying Od'ing, maybe you want to do it to escape whats going on at the moment? Exams and thoughts about the future can and are challenging. Thats something you have to accept. I dont want to say too much but I hope your feelings and thought patterns start to improve and you are able to get through your exams safely. I'm there for you if you want a chat and need some support.

random.swirls · 09-01-2010, 10:20 PM

You are doing fabulously and I hope you can see that. It isn't easy coming up with reasons to not hurt yourself and well you are doing it and succeeding so kudos.

Iv handed things over to counsellory type people before and I've had varying success at getting them back. I don't know if it's asking to much or not I guess it depends on how you phrase it and the reasons behind it but I think that you would be making a very brave step by doing it.

xox

Horizon · 09-01-2010, 11:04 PM

It sounds like a good idea to give your tools to her, though I don't know that she would give them back. Maybe you could discuss it with her? I think it really shows great self-advocacy and responsibility to do that :)

I'm glad you are battling the urges and unsafe thoughts, and I'm sorry you're having such a rough time.

Let us know how you're doing and how it goes!
Thinking of you.

tamobhuuta · 10-01-2010, 08:26 PM

Quote:

maybe you want to do it to escape whats going on at the moment? Exams and thoughts about the future can and are challenging

i want to escape this pressure! i know it's not that bad, people put up with worse, and so on, but i'm finding it hard to cope with the expectations. i got a conditional offer from oxford, and EVERYONE irl is so pleased, so happy for me, but of course i need 3As and my first exam's on wednesday and the closer it gets the more i think, it's just not going to happen. i don't want to let everyone down, but the more i think about it, the more it makes me want to OD, which would just be the biggest let-down possible lol. i know logically it's not the end of the world if i don't go to ox, but i want to do my best. i revise and the stuff just isn't going in like it used to. i keep telling myself that if i get through this lot of exams i can have a go at an OD, but i'm too impatient. urgh, i shouldn't be thinking like this, should i?
any magic answers?

edit: thanks for the hugs and support

tamobhuuta · 11-01-2010, 09:58 PM

i gave my pills and blades to my counsellor, she agreed not to give them back. i might ask her to throw them away next time.
terrified about exam on wednesday.

ThinkingofRecovery · 11-01-2010, 10:04 PM

I hope your exam goes ok. I know this sounds silly and unlikely but is there anything you can do to help you calm down?

What do you want to study at uni? Do you have an insurance choice uni also?

Sleepless123 · 12-01-2010, 08:31 PM

i just wanted to say good luck with your exam hun and also i am REALLY REALLY proud of you for giving your tools to your counsellor.That was so so brave and must of been so scary.Well done you!You know where i am if ever you need me and i am thinking of you.Know how hard you are working too.xx xx

tamobhuuta · 12-01-2010, 09:21 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by no reason

I hope your exam goes ok. I know this sounds silly and unlikely but is there anything you can do to help you calm down?

What do you want to study at uni? Do you have an insurance choice uni also?

i'm trying to come up with more positive and balanced thoughts about the exams rather tha my instinctive "argh i'm going to fail" and ploughing on with the work regardless of how i feel. i'm going to get a good night's sleep tonight.
i'm going to study sanskrit, and my insurance is SOAS, also for sanskrit. for that i only need ABB. but i'm scared i won't even manage that, and i really don't want to let people down. i WANT to go to Ox, but i know logically it's not the end of the world if i fail.

thanks for the help and questions. they are helping me think more clearly about everything.

thank you for the luck too.

xxx

tamobhuuta · 13-01-2010, 09:16 PM

i think today went ok. just 3 exams left now in this session. thanks for the luck, i needed it!

ThinkingofRecovery · 13-01-2010, 09:18 PM

I'm glad it went ok. Everyone worries about not getting their uni of choice, I know I did but I managed to get the required grades, as I am sure you will also.

tamobhuuta · 14-01-2010, 09:10 AM

seeing the GP for meds this afternoon. should i tell him how i've been feeling (numb)? i kind of want to but maybe he's bored of me.

Steel Maiden · 14-01-2010, 02:29 PM

I hope that your GP helps. You should be entirely honest with him.

ThinkingofRecovery · 14-01-2010, 02:53 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Steel Maiden

I hope that your GP helps. You should be entirely honest with him.

tamobhuuta · 14-01-2010, 08:09 PM

i told him about the numbness. he asked if i had it under control so i said yes. now i'm not so sure - it was such an effort not to seriously harm myself on the way home. hopefully tomorrow will be better.

Steel Maiden · 15-01-2010, 10:22 AM

I'm glad that you told him about the numbness. Can you tell him about the self-harming urges?