Struggling.

[CagedBird]

Urg. I'm really, really struggling with the damn urges. My mind is honestly against me. Sometimes i think it is being controlled by some evil extraterrestial being intent on causing the maximum amount of havoc. Or i'm just a pathetic loser who can't control their own thoughts/emotions. Not sure which one i'd rather think it is!

I think there should be a therapy section in this forum....maybe there is and i've missed it. I dunno what i'm trying to say, normally i'm semi-coherent.....

I have these thoughts in my head of ending it all. It is hard to keep it all together when i feel so disconnected from it all. I don't even feel i fit into my body, probably hence why i think i'm being taken over by some malevolent spirit.

I can't handle this. This abandonment in therapy. Stupid really considering it isn't really 'abandonment', it's only the end of a session.....why the heck does it cause me to plunge off the deep end everytime! Gah! I feel so alone.

Urg. I hate how ridiculous i sound. And ungrateful.

[~phoenix~]

I don't know what to say. I wish I did. *hugs*

[CeNedraLivesOn]

yea I often feel my mind is against me too. Well I guess it is, not some evil extra terrestrial rather a messed up inside terrestrial! Parts of me wreak havoc with my attempts not to SI or be relatively adaptive. I hate fighting with myself all the time, so I think I know how exhausting and fruitless it might feel to you. I'm sorry you are struggling so much - hang in there, you are so not a pathetic loser you are strong and you are trying.
And you don't sound ungrateful at all.
Ce

[IcarusDrowning]

::hugs::

Don't really have any advice accept. You don't sound pathetic or weak or ungraceful. What you are going through is real and very scary. Urges are wicked tough.

[Sigma]

*hugs* it's tough and exhausting to have to fight yourself

I often 'crash' too after a session. If it's a regular pattern could you arrange to be with a friend for your vulnerable time?

[CagedBird]

Thanks, i appreciate the encouragement and support. I think i really need to sort out therapy, one part wants me to stop it and save my energies for other things in life because it is holding me back regarding where i live/job i can get etc etc. But another part of me says this will be a short term thing (i'm counting short term as a few years btw as i'm already a yr in!) and that will give long term benefits so if i quit now maybe i'll have many yrs of misery that i could have avoided. It is a difficult balance. Maybe i'm blaming therapy/her for the situation i find myself in rather that admitting that i created this mess i'm in and just because i'm too much of a pathetic loser to make some positive changes i'll continue to rot where i am. Okay slightly dramatic but that is how i feel. Things are kinda sucky in my external life right now which is making me feel kinda rubbish internally and i simply just want to throw in the towel and say sod it and start all over again somewhere else so i can forget all of this. But i also want to keep the therapy because it is the only place where i feel 'safe' and can stop for a minute or two the pretense. This pull to therapy that i desperately want vs this push away from needing therapy and being 'restricted'. I'm sure i'll simply meander along as i usually do making absolutely no decisions till one is thrust upon me or it is made for me....but i feel that at this point in my life this isn't going to happen!
Sorry this is long needed to get this out of my head. Wish it could be simple.