I don't have autism, but I am getting more and more sure that a walled off part of my personality has it, or at the very least traits of it, in combination with a severe attachment disorder. My child state.
My ex employer, a Head Teacher, suggested, in an accusatory way, that I might be autistic, because I had very little to no eye contact.
My psychotherapist, however, has affirmed that I don't have autism, because I
am capable of relationships, albeit as yet in frequent small doses.
Also I have a very vivid and powerful imagination, something those with autism seem not to have. However I do tend to take things literally - but I can also symbolise. [Although I do sometimes take symbols too literally.]
But this child state, who is
- virtually mute,
- bangs her head on the wall and
- hits people when distressed,
- can't handle humour,
- is acutely sensitive to sound,
- cannot bear physical proximity [unless of the maternal nurturing kind],
- cannot read facial expression,
- struggles with change...
really does seem to have aspects of autism.
I do have a really schizoid aspect to my personality - but this coldness and cutting people off, and isolation etc, is in direct opposition to the warmth and love that is also there.
My premature forceps birth and the separation from my mother that followed it puts me at high risk for autism.
- Does this perspective of a combination of attachment disorder and autistic traits make sense in the context of me and what you've seen of me here, and what you know of my life?
- Can those people here who're diagnosed with autism relate to any of what I've written, and what do you think?
I'm not doing the whole trying to diagnose myself, rather to understand more deeply the different facets of myself and how to help them, reach them, and integrate them into my psyche.
