Nervous about being here. Poss triggering.

blue butterfly · 01-01-2010, 01:48 AM

Hey everyone.
I have been on RYL for over 2 years now so maybe some of you have 'seen' me around,although I tend to disappear for months at a time when things in my life get kinda rough.

Uuumm....as the title says Im a little nervous about posting here as that means Im admitting I have some sort of problem I guess. Im better at replying to and helping other people than getting support for myself so its hard.

Ive always had a weight problem. I was a chubby kid,got thin in college,then got fat again,then thin again and so on and so on. I have some sort of problem with food. I will either eat way too much or way too little. I dont have an in-between with food and I cant figure out why. I will binge for weeks/months at a time (a binge for me is just snacking on junk all through the day) or I will starve myself or eat as little as possible. I have never eaten 3 meals a day,even as a child.

So heres the thing....I have been telling everyone that I have been on a diet for the past 2 months or so and Ive also been going to the gym and swimming. They are all so proud of me because I am losing weight. The truth is I am barely eating anything at all. I am obsessed with weighing myself and am so happy when I see a big loss on the scales,so I eat less so I can lose more for the next weigh in. I am by no means anorexic or even close to it,I am classed as obese so Im in no danger of wasting away,but I am scared that what I am doing is going to turn into something nasty.
I dont want to stop starving myself now,I want this weight gone,I want to be small,I want people to see that I can get thin,that I can do it.

Im so sorry that this has turned into a rambly post. Im not even sure if I should post this sort of thing here,I just dont know what else to do. I dont know if this is triggering or not,Im sorry if it is. I dont really know what Im looking for. Advice? Support? Hugs?

I just dont know anymore

Really sorry everyone,none of that made much sense,its late and I had written this post once but my laptop went funny and deleted everything.

Thanks for reading though.
Claire x

Snow White. · 01-01-2010, 09:19 AM

Hey Claire,

I can relate to what you are saying. Even if you're overweight, starving yourself is still very harmful for your body. Depriving it of nutrients over a prolonged period of time is not going to do good for you, your mood, your concentration etc, they'll all suffer. So while you say you don't want to stop this behaviour - do you want the terrible consequences that come with it?

The first thing that struck out to me from your post though was you saying you'd never eaten three meals a day. For me the biggest thing to stop binging is to stop restriction (restriction breeds binging) and also to eat three meals a day, and planned snacks. I wonder if maybe you gave it a try it might change things for you in regards to your eating patterns?

Do you have any professional support to help you work on your issues with food?

Weight loss might feel good, but if you're going about it the wrong way it's going to damage your body & your mind, and equally, you're likely to gain the weight back on, too, or binge because you have been restricting. I've been through this myself.

You posted in another thread about Lighter Life, didn't you? Do you feel the same lack of energy & grumpiness now? Try and think of the negative consequences of what you are doing so you can try and correct this - if nothing else than for your health. Even if you're overweight and need to lose it, there are right and wrong ways to do it for your health in the long term.

xx

blue butterfly · 04-01-2010, 01:03 AM

Hey,thanks for your reply.
Yep I posted in the Lighterlife thread. I do get grumpy and stuff when Im not eating but coz Im not working right now (signed off sick) and I pretty much live on my own I feel like I can live with the mood swings coz theres no one around to have a go at me for being moody!

I know I should eat 3 meals a day but its like if I eat something for breakfast then I just wanna carry on eating everything in sight. So as soon as Ive eaten I get hungry and the more I eat the more I wanna eat later.
But if I dont eat then I dont feel hungry at all.
Does that make any sense?!

I see a cpn but she is pretty useless. And she's not really there to deal with my food issues. I have tried talking to her but she just tells me to go see my gp. So I go see my gp who tells me to start taking the diet pills she wants to prescribe for me and thats it. She just deals with me wanting to lose weight.
I'll be going to see her on tuesday so I may try and have another go at talking to her about this.

Claire x

HopeRises · 04-01-2010, 01:15 AM

Aimee is right in what she says about restriction breeds binging/overeating!

I don't really know what I can say but, after awhile of eating 3 meals (plus healthy snacks) a day your body should get used to it and stop the binging. Also if you overeat alot you'll be more hungry anyway cause your body is used to so much going into it! And if you restrict and then eat your body wants loads because it doesn't know when it is next getting fed!

I think a good plan would be to 1. talk this over with someone and then prehaps work out a plan where you get your 3 meals a day..maybe you could start it off by having breakfast and then going to do something like go for a walk or the cinema or something to distract you, then have lunch and do the same and then dinner.

It is perserverance though, it may not go right for awhile but you have to keep trying with it!

Hope things get better for you soon!

Leighxxx

Moonlight Princess · 04-01-2010, 12:53 PM

First of Claire I just want to say well done for posting!
It was obviously hard for you but it's a great step in the right direction so good on you :)
I agree with Aimee and Leigh really and what Leigh said about distracting yourself after eating is what I was going to suggest. Eating more slow relesing carbs throught the day could be helpful as they will stabilise your blood sugar and keep you fuller throughout the day. If you're eating foods like crisps or chocolates then they will only make you feel full for a short while before your blood sugar crashes and you start to feel hungry again. Protein is also good for making you feel less hungry.

Can you identify any emotions that make you likely more likely to binge or restrict? A common one that makes me want to eat a lot of junk is plain boredom and you said you were signed of sick so if you find you haven't got much to do maybe try and plan to do something fun or exciting in your day, something you haven't done before. Maybe you could meet a friend after breakfast and do something non food related because getting out of the house is especially beneficial to raise your mood during these dark days,
Kiran
xx

ferretmonster · 05-01-2010, 05:18 AM

i just wanted to say, i completely understand its almost as if i wrote that post

xx take care and sorry i have nothing useful to say

blue butterfly · 05-01-2010, 06:05 PM

Hey thanks for the replies everyone :)
I went to see my doctor today and she tried yet again to give me some weight loss pills,didn't listen to me at all.
But today I did have breakfast,yay! And actually felt better than usual,breakfast is usually skipped.

I do tend to just binge coz Im at home bored. And then I dont wanna go out coz im self conscious about my size so I stay in and eat. Bit of a visious circle :(
I always say to myself that I will go out for walks in the day,I live in a really nice village and there are random lanes to walkways through the fields and everything. But then I talk myself out of it coz I feel like people will stare at me coz of my size.

I have just gotten myself in a rut I guess. Coz Im at home most of the time now Im not working I dont really see many people. And the more I stay at home the less I wanna go out,maybe coz I feel safe here.

I will be seeing my cpn tomorrow,I am going to have a chat with her about my eating habits and whatnot and see what she says aswell.

Claire x