Triggering (Suicide) - comfortable being unhappy

[DLT]

does anyone else feel this way??

i've been dealing on my own with my issues for a few years but about a month ago i just started feeling awful. i was severely depressed and saw no meaning in my existence. everything just felt so terribly pointless. although i never really had extreme suicidal thoughts, i just wanted it all to be over, to end. the entire time i felt like this i tried my hardest to be happy, failing of course. i just wished i would feel better.
for the past 2 days, i have felt pretty good. i have planned my days out and accomplished things and even if i am not happy in the moment i at least can imagine having a future. and now i just feel kind of lost...in this happiness. like i feel like i was more comfortable being depressed and unhappy. i am sure it will come back and i can't say i am dreading it.
my therapist says this is because i don't think i deserve to be happy.
it makes me wonder if i am just an attention seeking bitch. but then again i don't know who i would be seeking attention from...considering nobody else knows.
maybe i just delight in my own misery?

[iiLL3GAL]

It's because of the fact that you've been unhappy for so long, so you're just used to it. Happiness is uncomfortable because it's different and you're not familiar with it and don't know how it's going to treat you. Just try to realize that in the end, happiness is all you need. It doesn't matter where it takes you. If you ever need to talk, I'm here.

[Stellata]

There's a theory that depression can be an unconscious defence mechanism. That the mind takes refuge in it when things feel far too overwhelming to cope with any other way. It can also be a chance to work through feelings that get sidelined when otherwise going about life.
Just one perspective.

[GrimmFaerieTale]

I totally understand - I feel like that too! You have no idea how relieved I am to hear someone else who feels similar. I know that sounds awful and I don't mean that I like the fact you're depressed but I've been so worried about feeling so safe and....happy I guess in my depression that I don't like feeling better. Happy isn't the right word but...anyway I'm rambling. Sorry!

[DLT]

no i understand that completely, equus :)

it makes sense that i have gotten used to it so i don't want it to change. when i think rationally about issues like this, or think of them separate from my personal struggle. but when i think of it in terms of my struggle...i wanted to be happy for so long. is there really anything anyone yearns for besides that? everyone has different definitions of happiness to them, but personal happiness seems to lead to a good life.
so i get this happiness, and i reject it. i am discontent with it. :/

[HopeRises]

Yeah, It makes a lot of sense and I reckon almost everyone has felt this at some point! I know for me when i'm 'down' its less further to fall as such and it's falling that terrifies me. So I know that I find it safe being 'down here' because the bump won't be to hard for me (or others)

But I would say I have been 'happier' and really 'happy' is better but it is scary and unfamelier but it's something you can get used to and adjust too!

Hope you feel better soon!

[DLT]

thanks for the responses.
i'm glad to know that this is a normal reaction and not just another indication of how twisted i am

[when.will.it.end]

I'm the same.

I see depression and sort of a mental hibernation cos even though it's really distressing everything has a long less emotional range so you have to deal with less. Everything is flat and safe. Coming out of it and feeling the full range again is totally wierd, at the same time life is less dramatic (if youv had problems with suicide and sh) so it's a total shift in the balance. Very odd. I think it just takes time to get used to and it's much better in the end.

x

[piddlewiddle]

I am actually a bit scared of becoming happy as this is all i have ever known and my own emptiness is welcoming, almost.