Triggering (SI) - Something's changing in me... and I'm very confused

[Kitkat :)]

I got diagnosed with depression and I'm getting help for that, but now something's changing. Before I used to be depressed all the time, just no motivation, suicidal, never happy etc. But now... when I'm sad, I am depressed. I still have no motivation to do anything, and I'm still unhappy, but when I'm happy, it feels artificial and I don't feel like I'm living it. Sometimes I can get hysterical and just go a bit nuts. In my head, there are two different sides to me. There's one side who wants me to get better and not to do anything silly and just be happy, but there's the darker side that wants me to stay depressed and then die, but hurt other people and hurt myself and get angry at other people and cut myself off socially altogether. Overall I just can't be bothered to live anymore and I'm finding it hard to not self harm. The melancholic side of me has been planning where to do it and what to do it with and when and what I'll do to clear up the mess I'll make... Please help and someone tell me what's happening

[offlineforever]

how often and how extreme is the happines?

[Stellata]

Might this be reflective of the beginnings of recovery? I'm all too aware of how recovery doesn't look 'pretty'... It may be that you need to feel the anger and sadness - it might be that things have happened in your life to make this important to feel. But you do need support to work through this safely. It sounds like you have a sense of conflict about getting well. Sometimes depressive illness is 'comfortable', but that doesn't have to be all a bad thing - certain schools of thought explain how it can help us to heal and work through emotional struggles that have been around for a long time.

[Fry]

Have you been put on anti-depressants?
I used to find that being on anti-depressants gave me a false sense of happiness. I agree that you should speak to a professional about this.
xx

[Intaytia]

Don't have anything else to add yet to what's already been said, but just wanted to let you know that I can relate to the two sides; one wanting to get better, the other not.

Take care x

[Kitkat :)]

I do have conflicts about getting well; most times I don't want to get well, and before sometimes I wanted to, but now the part that wants to get well has slowly shut up... and I can't hear it anymore
I don't have the resolve to get better
I'm not on anti-depressants, they wouldn't put me on them (unless my CBT doesn't work for me)

My happiness can range... When I am happy it can last for a few hours, then I feel sad... When I'm happy my Mum seems to be annoyed or sad about something and then she doesn't acknowledge that I'm happy and just directs all her negative feelings at me... So now I'm not actually bothering to be happy around her because it's just not worth my effort
But I create scenarios in my head about things happening and that either really gets me angry so I feel like smashing my head against a wall or I feel really sad I just feel like cutting and crying and having it never end
When I am happy, I can go quite hyper and I'll laugh at anything... the other night I was so hysterical I was walking a figure of 8 in the street while doing some funny walk and I was just laughing to myself.
I do talk to myself, and sometimes the thoughts in my head are so vicious I just feel like dying... They make me quite anxious as well so most of the time my heart is thudding in my chest