how to explain child alter state to work?/updated/further re aftermath
I have a DDA adjustments/welfare type progress review at work tomorrow afternoon, with two of my managers.
I need to explain to them about my child state, or when I feel very young, and that this is one of the things that can happen when I feel very insecure. One of my managers I already told how I felt 5 years old before attending a training, something I'd not done for some years due to my illness. I was crying, stirred up by a minor criticism. Adult me would have just accepted it, but child me ran away to the toilets and cried.
How can I best explain it in as non jargonised way as possible?
I also need to figure out what I most need from colleagues when in that state. Usually what helps is calm and reassuring talking me through things, slowly and patiently.
But.
I feel so emotional about the whole thing.
I did sort of mention it in the brief on my 'condition' I wrote for our health phoneline provider thing. But now I need to talk about it, with openess and respect.
I'm thinking it probably needs to be a bit more low key than that, and that the initiative needs to come more from me, but that they need to be aware.
It would be different if my official medical diagnosis included *it all*, but it doesn't, so I need to be a bit more careful about how I word things.
Maybe... I could say that certain situations touch on raw places that got frozen from a long time ago, and causes defences to come up. Hmm.
Firstly I think remember through it that you are someone who deserves respect and should be respected. That you are a person in your own right and have needs and this doesn't take anything away from you.
I think to non jargonise it look at each piece of jargon and think 'if I was explaining this to an alian or a small child how would I describe it' for instance:
Dissociation : feeling so vulnerable I cut off from the world due to past trauma
This might be something different for you but that's just an example.
Maybe talk about it in feelings rather than medical terms?
I think what you said about how you need them to respond is spot on. Maybe try to use example of when they might feel like that, for instance with criticism being an issue maybe think of a situation that might evoke that response from them? Could you give them examples of what to do and what not to do? For instance would patting your back or giving you a hug be helpful or triggering?
Um. I did it. Kind of.
And now I'm very grumpy and stroppy and irritable.
Katrina doesn't like me exposing things.
But then also it's kind of a relief. One of my managers really seemed to 'get' what I was saying, about how dramatic the switch is when something stirs me up. They both took note of how the times when I go voiceless and/or zone out are the danger points for me, and then I need intervention.
Katrina doesn't like me feeling vulnerable and I feel really crap right now.
*sits with and listens* good job telling them :)
am proud :)
im useless atm, but here whenever :)
“The good things don’t always soften the bad, but vice-versa, the bad things don’t necessarily spoil the good things and make them unimportant.”
“Nobody important? Blimey, that’s amazing. Do you know, in nine hundred years of time and space I’ve never met anyone who wasn’t important before.”
“If it’s time to go, remember what you’re leaving. Remember the best. My friends have always been the best of me.”
I know what you mean about 'exposing yourself'. I get like that too afterwards, especially when it means a lot to me. Hopefully the feeling will pass and you will feel a little stronger. :)
The Mole was bewitched, entranced, fascinated. By the side of the river he trotted as one trots, when very small, by the side of a man who holds one spell-bound by exciting stories; and when tired at last, he sat on the bank, while the river still chattered on to him, a babbling procession of the best stories in the world, sent from the heart of the earth to be told at last to the insatiable sea.
Wind in the Willows.
It's no problem. Katie's okay, and Trini's okay, and even Katrina's okay. You're all strong and coping really well with things going on right now in your own ways, even if it feels otherwise.
For those doubts that swirl all around us
For those lives that tear at the seams
We know… we’re not what we’ve seen
For this dance we’ll move with each other
There ain’t no other step than one foot
Right in front of the other
I just. Feel so jittery and confused.
At least I see my GP on Thursday morning. That's some anchor. And she does understand about my child self and my adult self and the defences I get into, even if I can't name them with her, as it were.
It's hard to get out of that thinking.. that as soon as people are away from us for a while they won't be coming back. Have you have breaks with this therapist before?
For those doubts that swirl all around us
For those lives that tear at the seams
We know… we’re not what we’ve seen
For this dance we’ll move with each other
There ain’t no other step than one foot
Right in front of the other
Yes, every Christmas, Easter and August for the past 7 years... It doesn't seem to get any easier, as I open up more of my heart and connect more with her it seems to make it hurt so much more.
I know I have to work with my 'dependency' issues. But the only way to do that is to be with them. I've never really ever had any other really close kind of relationship with anyone before. I know therapy is different, but it's a learning ground.
